The Law of the Playground
About Us

Welcome to Law of the Playground, the site that was popular in 2004, and spawned a book. A book that David Quantick had in his toilet on Celebrity Come Dine With Me. Look, we don't want to pick a fight with other, better-selling books. But where were you, The Bible? Where were you in David Quantick's toilet, you shit-coated dick and balls of a book?

The site started in ooh, must be 1999 or something. It started after Log thought "I had the most brilliant childhood I bet everyone would like to read about it". Then people emailed in how brilliant their childhoods were, and Log read them. "Hang on," he thought. "This is the opposite of people reading about how brilliant my childhood was. I need to find a way to take credit for these stories." So he wrote his first legal disclaimer.

Then came Phil and Sarah. Phil is a professional internet man, and he parsed, packaged and redesigned Log's naked HTML and put it all into a database. Meanwhile, Log sat in a chair and batted himself on the tummy with a soup ladel.

Sarah maintained an air of overwhelmingly nonchalant sexuality by blowing sherbet out of a cigarette holder.

Then came Belmsford - a forum that's still there, but kinda dead since Facebook queefed up the internet. If you wanted to eat edgy cakes decorated with Ian Huntley's face, Belmsford meets were the place to be. From that den of shit came our bonus editors - Matt, Rosy, Conor, Andy, Ponky, and Jamie.

They helped out with the editing, in exchange for - well, nothing, really. Log's really coasted through this one, if I'm being honest. (Psst! Hello! I'm Log - I'm writing in the third person. How d'you like them apples? They're nice apples, right?)

Then came the book! Then two series of a TV show, in which Justin Lee Collins asked a very important question: "Why do you have to put chairs on the tables, anyway? What is the purpose of that? Why does the chair have to go on the table? You don't put when you go to bed... you don't put your lazy boy on top of yo... your blood... your dining table. What, is the point, of putting a chair on a table?" Here, listen to it - it's at 7:36.

Realising that members of the public would never have memories that could compare with Justin Lee Collins not understanding the concept of "putting your chairs on the table for the cleaners", we gave up and died, creatively and spiritually.

Then, after five years of not having done anything more successful in his life, and in the absence of any new ideas, Log (still me) decided to revive the place. Here it is.

What's new?

Oh shut up.

Well I only really came here to find out what it was I'm reading, I didn't want your fucking life story

Oh, right. We're a dictionary of playground-based shitness. We're more bothered about what's funny, rather than what's true or relevant. But bear in mind that frequently, being true is what makes something funny. As for relevance, fuck it. As long as it's childish, it stands a chance of getting in.