The Law of the Playground
the letter a
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Andrew Sillitoe's voice was the last in our school year to break. It didn't take long before the connection between his wholesome blondness and that of Welsh choirboy Aled Jones was noted. The insult was soon tripled by some genius to Aflid - a nickname that spread like wildfire around the year, causing Sillitoe to cry, and lectures on bullying to be delivered to our entire school year.

Post-university, I bumped into him in London whilst very drunk. He was very friendly and his voice had deepened to Barry White proportions, but that didn't stop my mate Angus calling his mobile later that evening and screaming "AFLIIID!" like some rabid member of S-Express.
approved Dec 12 2002, submitted Dec 11 2002 by Phil Glansvile
Is Sillitoe pronounced 'silly toe', I wonder?
approved Feb 18 2003, submitted Feb 16 2003 by anonymous user
It *is* pronounced "silly toe", which we exploited in the pre-aflid days by use of the nicknames "sensible finger" and "funny foot".
approved Feb 22 2003, submitted Feb 22 2003 by Phil Glansvile
A trick played on gullible friends and younger siblings. At a party or similar gathering, produce a bottle of Haiya Karate or Old Spice that your Gran always gives you for Christmas once youve started shaving bumfluff off your face. Pull the waistband of your trousers out at the back, and pretend to pour the aftershave up your nipsy, while making violent orgasm sounds and telling the crowd how fantastic it feels. The sexually inexperienced audience members will want to experience this heady stimulant, so allow yourself to be persuaded to lend the bottle to the victim. Tell them to lie on the ground and pour it up their arse. About two seconds later they will be running around screaming with their arse on fire and the sounds of evil cackling ringing in their ears.
This is by far the best way of disposing of unwanted aftershave gifts, even better than drinking it. It makes your breath stink, by the way, but funnily enough it makes your farts smell incredibly masculine.
approved Aug 1 2005, submitted Jul 18 2005 by Darren Lamb
Uttered after a fart. Can anyone explain?

(Id imagine it comes from an advertising slogan, Condor being a kind of rolling tobacco. Made of egg and cabbage presumably.)
approved Mar 10 2003, submitted Mar 6 2003 by spadge monkey
Adverts for 'Condor' tobacco featured men flying aeroplanes, being chased by maneating lions, dangling off a cliff by their fingernails, etc, who would be presented with a Condor-filled pipe, whereupon they'd inexplicably lose interest in anything but smoking, and die horribly, muttering 'Ah, Condor' as they plunged to their doom.

Well, you asked.
approved Apr 23 2003, submitted Mar 27 2003 by Demonic Groin
Disease that is surprisingly easy to diagnose. Tell patient to hold their breath, then informing them they can breathe out "if they have AIDS." If they dont breathe out, theyre in the clear.
I wonder if, in The Olden Days, it worked with TB or Polio?
approved Oct 9 2003, submitted Jul 23 2003 by spadge monkey
Also amusingly stands for Arse Injected Death Sentence. Combined with Gay standing for Got AIDS Yet?, I'm surprised the term GAIDSY was never embraced by the homosexual community like "queer" and "faggot" have been.
approved Oct 9 2003, submitted Oct 8 2003 by Paul Tovey, Jon Blyth
That's coz Gaidsy sounds like an effeminate gang member on Grange Hill, Log. The one who'd be first to dress as the Spice Girls for charity week.
approved Oct 10 2003, submitted Oct 9 2003 by Susan Tobacco
AIDS can also stand for....

"Adios, Infected Dick Sucker!" Chuck in a Speedy Gonzales impersonation and you're away.
approved Dec 3 2003, submitted Nov 25 2003 by anonymous user
It's the acronym that keeps on giving:
Arse Infected - Don't Screw.
approved Apr 10 2004, submitted Apr 9 2004 by Mark Harrison
Lois Alderson was convinced that it was possible to catch AIDS by eating a sandwich that had been stored in a cracked tupperware lunchbox.
approved Feb 9 2005, submitted Nov 27 2004 by anonymous user
After a "personal development" lesson on the dangers of HIV the following joke enjoyed a brief surge in popularity:
Child 1: Do you know what AIDS stands for?
Child 2: Acquired Immune Deficiency Syndrome
Child 1: Are you positive?
Child 2: Yeah
Child 1: Hurrrrr, you're HIV positive. You've got AIDS. Hahahahaha. AIDS boy. Bet you got it from shagging your mum. Hahahahaha.

approved Sep 8 2006, submitted Sep 3 2006 by Craig B
Apparently what Christopher Rose had for his dinner. Every. Single. Day.
Despite being a great believer in brevity, this entry is a bit short, even for me. What method was used to apply the AIDS to the toast? How did it taste? How many slices did Christopher eat? Mark your entries: 'I have a fucking doctorate in AIDS on toast and ye shall heed me'. Ta.
approved Mar 24 2006, submitted Mar 23 2006 by anonymous user
I happen to have a doctorate in AIDS on toast so I can answer some of your questions.
AIDS is frequently applied to the toast via infected spunk, although there is a second method in which the toast is rubbed against the cock to transfer AIDS. Once someone eats it they become infected with AIDS.
A normal gay diet would probably include 2-4 slices per day, although a boy at my school managed to eat 8 slices in one day.
Since I'm straight, I have no idea what AIDS on toast would taste like.
Very informative. But oh dear, that last sentence. Condemned by your own words, Dr Lynch. - Matt
approved Apr 4 2006, submitted Apr 3 2006 by Peter Lynch
An exclamation of anger, surprise, enjoyment, pain, or arousal. Found in the Bibliobus, a French reading compendium style thing much used in the 90s. This may seem unlikely as an impromptu exclamation, but then French ducks don't even go quack, they just say "zut", or something, whilst smoking a cigar.
approved Apr 22 2003, submitted Apr 16 2003 by katrina brown
I think you'll find that french ducks say 'quang.'

On a lighter note, french dogs say 'waf waf'. They don't say the phonetically similar 'wife wife', although it would be folly to imagine that a dog would be able to make such a distinction.
approved Sep 17 2003, submitted Jul 14 2003 by Davy .
Kiki (dog) and Miquet (cat) in the 'French for Today' books appeared to say nothing but 'Zut' when they failed to catch each other, or mice, or when they fell off a chair.
approved Sep 23 2003, submitted Sep 23 2003 by Ginger Snaps
More things that French animals can't get right...
Cats go "miaou", which is fair enough, but dogs go "ouaf ouaf", ducks go "coin coin", and french owls say 'hibboo hibboo'. Not only that - in the Bibliobus books French emergency vehicles went "pin pon pin pon..."
The French are all on some kind of crazy drugs.
approved Jun 12 2004, submitted Nov 4 2003 by Mister Ricolarno, squek bury
The older of us remember that aiiiiiiiiiiiiiieeeeeeeeeeee! is actually the noise made in the ace Commando books by the evil scheming Germans as they got utterly shot by the square-jawed Brits. The only other words the Germans uttered were 'Actung Spitfeur', 'Hande Hoche', 'Englander Schwein' and 'Gott in Himmel'.
That Germans made such a vowel-heavy nasal whine in their death throes made them big wet pansies. A stout Englishman dying in the field would bellow "WHOOAARGGGHH". In days of heavier casualties, it was like being trapped in the Brian Blessed dimension.

(Further discussion here. Good grief. - Log)
approved Aug 25 2004, submitted May 15 2004 by anonymous user
Kiki and Miquet would also politely exclaim 'Au secours! Un voleur!' when Madame Bertillon's purse was snatched.
Stupid bitch should have seen it coming. The stripy jumper and swag bag said it all.
approved Jun 14 2007, submitted Feb 14 2007 by Name Withheld
If you are a fat kid, and it is approaching time for PE, the following excuses are most convincing;
  • twisted ankles - and no wonder, supporting that vast bulk
  • nausea - both from unaccustomed physical exertion, and the body's natural way to make room for more delicious food
  • stomach ache - and with that much stomach, it's statistically certain that some of it must ache, although this is often interpreted by fat children as hunger with the cry "I can't do volleyball, I'm hungry"

Just try not to run too fast to the coke machine once you've been excused.
approved Feb 11 2005, submitted Dec 16 2004 by Gareth Thomas
Ainsey was a strange ferry-loving kid who looked about 52. The rumour grew that he was haemerrhoidal, so post-changing room chat usually took the form of "did you see ainsey's piles?" Incidentally, there was never a confirmed sighting of ainsey's piles. But he had 'em, oh yes, he had 'em.
approved Nov 24 2002, submitted Nov 24 2002 by Mark Eaves
A girl at school told me once that if you blew into a woman's vagina while going down on her, it'd kill her. I don't know if it's true, but I can easily imagine an episode of Quincy where Jack Klugman says "How many more teenage girls have to die of air embolisms before you start teaching oral sex in schools? Why I oughta!", so it probably has some factual basis.
approved Sep 5 2003, submitted Aug 26 2003 by dan upright
I heard this chilling caution too, and recall specifically that the reason for the terrible risk of death upon blowing into the vagina was that the air gets into the bloodstream.
This explanation is delivered with a sense of gravity, and a look that said 'Ah, I knew you were going to ask me that. Most people who've never seen a lady's downbelows ask that question.'
Questioning the truth of the air embolism was therfore akin to saying "I am such a big virgin that it's gone beyond a joke. I shouldn't be allowed."
approved Jul 10 2004, submitted Apr 13 2004 by Rob Young
Actually, I used to repair Hysteroflators for a living (used for endoscopic surgery). If the uterus is inflated at a rate faster than 0.2 litres per minute, you run the risk of bursting it. Killing a woman in this manner, whilst possible, would involve creating an airtight seal and blowing very hard.
approved Nov 1 2004, submitted Oct 24 2004 by Pogglesnatch
More evidence that women are in constant danger of their fannies blowing up, from Hannah Peterson.
Going by the pages I found by searching for "vagina air embolus" it's possible, but more likely soon after childbirth. A quote from "It is not advisable to have penetrative sex in the days after the birth. There is a risk of air embolus - meaning that the penis can act as a piston inside the vagina and drive air into the maternal blood stream through the raw placental site. This air can travel to the major organs and can be fatal."
I'd imagine that blowing into the vagina could maybe have a similar effect, depending on how hard and piston-like you blew through the raw, placental site.
approved Apr 11 2005, submitted Nov 1 2004 by Hannah Peterson
I wish I'd thought of using this myth to entice boys to get their heads down there. Perhaps we could have progressed to something a little more satisfying than the girly day-after reports of how you got "fingered".
approved Feb 9 2005, submitted Jan 14 2005 by liese cogo
One way of getting a lorry driver to sound his airhorn is to scream "airhorn" at them. This is more effective if you are severely disabled, and it is good etiquette to wheel away in delight upon hearing the horn. At least, that is the precendent set by local cripple Dale Kaye, who invented the practice and is therefore entitled to invent whatever rules he likes.
approved Nov 24 2002, submitted Nov 24 2002 by Peter Gasston
Elderly or disabled relative? In a wheelchair? Can you beg/borrow/steal it? Hours of fun can be had sitting in the wheelchair at the side of the road, enthusiastically twitching and waving in the hope of getting friendly beeps from passing vehicles. Bring along a friend or two, and take turns in the chair to see who can collect the most. Extra points are awarded if, in the process of performing for the passing motorists, you manage to lose your shoe.
approved Feb 9 2004, submitted Jan 20 2004 by wil mcallister
To play Airwolf you will need a willing accomplice, and a park with a set of swings, ideally three seats next to each other.
Tie the outside seats to the posts, leaving only the one in the middle. This gives you loads of room in which to have your Airwolf adventure.
You, as Stringfellow Hawke, mount the middle swing, and your business associate, Dominic Santini, has to give you a push whilst you sing the Airwolf theme tune (your theme tune) and make whoosh, neeeow, er-er-er-er-er, peeow noises.
In practice, this was ace. Written down, it sounds shit. Sorry.
approved Feb 4 2004, submitted Dec 30 2003 by Nick Hunt
Swings made brilliant helicopters, just as climbing frames made great spaceships. Witch's Hats also made fairly convincing UFO's, if you ignored their rather identifiable landbound nature.
approved Feb 9 2004, submitted Feb 7 2004 by Alfonso Gauss
Alain was a small plastic French-Canadian penguin with a circled-A "anarchy" symbol on his chest, and erstwhile religious icon. He was prone to falling out of very high windows into rose gardens, and anyone who rescued him from such a predicament was deemed a "hero" with all attendant privileges.
approved Oct 2 2003, submitted Oct 2 2003 by Paul Heath
Oppressive ambulance-following game. The ambulance (Alan) would run around making dee-durr noises and all the other kids would have to get behind him and follow his lead. Making the ambulance noise yourself or not getting in line behind would mean a punch in the face. Curiously Alan left you alone if you were playing marbles.
approved Nov 24 2002, submitted Nov 24 2002 by Simon Reynolds
John Stinton, to give him his full name, taught my class in the final year of junior school. Highlights of his teaching included an impromptu sex education lesson, which included various far-fetched (and pretty inaccurate) descriptions of puberty and sex acts. He used to frequently 'forget' to fasten his trousers.
My friends and I sneaked a look into his rucksack one lunchtime and found the bottle of 'Lucozade' from which he constantly sipped. Smelt kinda like vodka...
I used to amuse myself by never looking at him directly when he spoke to me, but instead focusing on a spot to the left and behind his head. Watching the poor drunk try to work out what was going on was quite funny really.
I helped get the shit suspended, and he had to go into rehab. Came out, took up drugs, went back to teaching at the same school.
approved Feb 18 2003, submitted Feb 12 2003 by Cam Carr
A bizarre game which seemed to take up most of our time when we were eleven. It involved two of us grabbing a hand each of our friend Ali, who became Ali Bugger for reasons best known to himself, and as you may have guessed, launching him as hard as we could by running at full speed and then letting him go.
Far from quickly tiring of this game, Ali Bugger always insisted we play it and ended up striving to make his next fall more spectacular than the last. Plans for the following launch became tactical sessions in morning lessons and analysis of failed launches in afternoon lessons. I believe the others involved are now working on the North Korea missile project.
approved Jul 20 2006, submitted Jul 8 2006 by Name Withheld
Terrorvision's single of 1994, which condemned a number of Alices to displays of melodramatic sympathy should they be anything other than hysterically happy.

It should be said the most caring way possible, with puppy dog eyes if possible, whilst empathetically feeling her pain. Ideally, the teacher will interrupt this minor bullying with the question "Alice, what's the matter?"
approved Dec 17 2003, submitted Dec 17 2003 by St. Polycarps
Theoretically, if you write this on a clean board, it will drive your entire class to the brink of insanity, as they try to work out whether it is true or false. If it is one, it is automatically the other, yet the two are mutually exclusive.
What actually happens is some idiot writes 'Aodhna likes girls' and 'Johnny isn't gay.' Cunt.
approved Dec 21 2004, submitted Dec 18 2004 by Osiris of Egypt
Every year, our school had a group of Israeli kids come over to visit for a few weeks.
It was 1972 and 'All the Young Dudes' was high in the charts. One of the kids had literally just got to school, and he asked if he could go to the toilet. Soon a load of them were saying that they also wanted to go, and as they headed for the door, Mark Spatchurst started singing
"All the young Jews
Having a poo."
approved Apr 26 2006, submitted Apr 24 2006 by Brian Birch
Start of a Muslim chant. Teachers and Muslim pupils react badly if it is sung to the tune of 'Everybody Dance Now' by C&C Music Factory.

Sorry to crash your entry darlin, but even us mighty editors cant submit new stories while the backlog remains so big. (Its my only motivation for wading through most of the fliddy tat we get sent, I can tell you.) (Just joshing, Log thinks itll sex up the site a bit if Im all stern and authoritative. Fucking perv.) Anyway, our school consisted of about two hundred white kids and one black girl. The teachers were afraid to ask her what sort of "black" she was, in case they looked racist, so to play it safe they got us to learn about all the other religions in the world that werent Anglo-Saxon, the better to acclimatise her to our culture. This culminated in an RE lesson where we were told to split up and write a song about one religion per group. Our group came up with the wildly popular "S.I.K.H". Sung to the tune of YMCA, it went:

S.I.K.H, its fun to be an S.I.K.H/
You can worship five Ks/
Wear a turban on your head/
If you dont want to do that, be a Jew instead, S.I.K.H

If memory serves correct I played the letter H. -Susan.

approved Apr 29 2003, submitted Apr 5 2003 by anonymous user, Susan Tobacco
The letter 'H'? Were you a popular girl?
approved Mar 5 2004, submitted Feb 18 2004 by anonymous user
Bespectacled, Fred Dibnah-esque Woodwork (and if staff shortages demanded - metalwork) teacher, with poorly developed social skills. Fondly remembered for the stoical nature by which he would tolerate our endless tampering with his woefully unfashionable Honda C90 moped. Less fondly remembered for the occasion when he finally lost his tolerance and proceeded to repeatedly punch one 13 year old full in the face until restrained by the caretaker. Replaced the following term by the imaginatively nick-named, but less entertaining "Woody" Stephens.
approved Oct 22 2003, submitted Oct 17 2003 by Mong Boy