The Law of the Playground
the letter b
page 7 of 11
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Shouting "Bobby Lookup" was guaranteed to cause Bobby to look up and then, incensed, run around vainly trying to identify the perpetrator. As Bobby was thick as pig shit, there was a lot of looking up and fruitless running around.
approved Apr 21 2003, submitted Apr 7 2003 by Allan Austin
Printers of school books. Possibly also a medical complaint, where your head turns into a body. Aged 11, I wrote my first swear word duet, and this is it.
Log : Fuck a shit head.
Paul : Who?
Log : Bodley Head!
approved Dec 3 2002, submitted Nov 24 2002 by Jon Blyth
On a similar note, a six-year-old Mark Tilson penned the less graphic ode 'Black Poo / Bamboo'. Only three words, but they rhymed.
Two decades and two English Lit degrees later, it still has a pleasing cadence and - to my mind - happily rivals the greatest stanzas of Eliot or Auden.
approved Nov 29 2005, submitted Nov 23 2005 by sam gisoad
A lighthearted game involving one football, one toilet, and as many boys as can be squeezed into the toilet. The ball's owner places the ball into the urinal and proceeds to piss all over it.

Once the pissing operation is complete, he kicks the ball as hard as possible at someone's chest. At this point, utter mayhem breaks out. This continues for the entire break time, or until a teacher comes in to see what all the fuss is about.

Participants in the game can be later distinguised by the collection of little yellow 'medals' proudly displayed on their previously clean white shirts. A true badge of honour.
approved Jul 14 2006, submitted Jul 14 2006 by Tom Parfitt
Like butterflys only made of bogies. These symmetrical creatures are found in freshly used tissues and hankies and in colours ranging from yellow to green and the rare red variety. Also in an all-too-common transparent variation.
approved Jul 24 2003, submitted Jul 9 2003 by Name Withheld
Once, in Biology, an amusing remark generated such mirth in me that I accidentally hawked up a copious amount of nasal mucus onto Richard Hull's biology book. The resultant beast sat there on the page, quivering like a transparent jellyfish laced with red veins. Unimpressed with the new life-form that I had created, Richard tore out the offending page and threw it away.
approved Oct 26 2005, submitted Oct 25 2005 by anonymous user
Ask this question; "Do you look at the bog roll after you've had a dump?" Yes, the quizzee is a "scummy dinnerstabber" or a "dirty gaylord" or even worse, a "knobjocky", who enjoyed nothing more than looking at shit. No, then how the hell do they know their arse is clean, the filthy fucker? Escape through excess "yes, and I lick it off for supper" (not to be tried if you aren't all that popular), or by lying "no, we're so rich that we get butlers to come and look at our toilet roll for us". Or, by simply avoiding the question altogether, and running away.
approved Nov 24 2002, submitted Nov 24 2002 by Rob Glennon, Jon Blyth
The mythical practice of sticking a victim's head down a toliet and flushing. Essentially a story of what happens in big school passed down by older siblings. As with all urban myths, it always happened to a friend of a friend. Or Americans. It happens all the time in America.
approved Nov 24 2002, submitted Nov 24 2002 by Alan Tovey
I actually saw a bogwashing happen once, to a young lad named Ben Tovey. Have you changed your name? Are you running from something? Are you trying to make the idea of bogwashing seem so whimsical and made-up that no one will ever accuse you of having been bogwashed? Huh, Ben? Well?

This deserves a reply. Come on, Alan. Are you really Ben, as Tom alleges? Did you get bogwashed, dammit? And if anyone else wants to ease the pain of those bogwashing memories by sharing them with the rest of the class, let us know forthwith. - Matt.
approved Apr 15 2005, submitted Dec 1 2004 by Pogglesnatch
At my previous secondary school, I was bullied unmercifully, and I received at least one bogwashing (my mind has since blocked out large parts of the year I was there), so it's definitely not an urban legend. Urban legends tend to be drier. That said, I have been getting my own back recently, by seeking out the perpetrators and pounding the snot out of them. It's very therapeutic.
approved Oct 7 2006, submitted Aug 12 2006 by Name Withheld
Rats used in biology dissection lessons came (dead) from a scientific supplies store in sealed plastic bags, hence the name "boil in the bag rats".
Rat's penises are remarkably similar to a grain of white rice. As this lesson was just before lunch it seemed the natural thing to do was to remove the organ and flick it into the rice salad in the canteen.
approved Dec 17 2002, submitted Dec 16 2002 by Julian Burnell
We dissected rats in Year 10 Biology. The boys paraded an opened rat, guts-a-glory, down the corridor in an attempt to nauseate the Year 9s. The girls were much more subtle. Rat foetuses make intriguing earrings.
approved Oct 7 2006, submitted Sep 5 2006 by Toby Tortoise
What sort of teacher would advertise an art competition with posters that could so easily be "improved"? (It was Mr Taylor.)
approved Dec 11 2003, submitted Nov 11 2003 by Name Withheld
Take care never to mention that the word bollocks "trips lightly off the tongue." It is unlikely you will be able to swear this way again for the rest of your school career, perhaps your whole life.
approved Jul 13 2005, submitted Jun 2 2005 by The Boy Tucker
A popular chant in the UK during the Falklands Conflict, the last war which everyone seemed to think was OK, because the only casualty was Simon Westons face. The chant is accompanied by stamping of feet and banging on the walls, a sign of clear impatience that the Argentinians werent being bombed enough.
approved Feb 25 2003, submitted Jan 30 2003 by Chris Brewer
After falling out with a friend in 1982, I decided to write "LAWRENCE MEDWAY'S HOUSE IS THE ARGENTINIAN HQ" in big letters on a wall.
I think I was hoping that the shame would drive him and his family from the village, but only after he admitted that he HAD stolen the light sabre from my Darth Vader miniature figure. The cunt.
approved Oct 19 2005, submitted Oct 16 2005 by Matt Fasham
Humorous alteration of sole Japanese schoolkid Eitaro Komakini's surname, to reflect events in Hiroshima in 1945.
Undeniably racist but justified given his tendency to refer to himself as 'Rad Komaz'and the fact that he thought Five Star were 'really wicked'.
approved Sep 23 2003, submitted Sep 23 2003 by Phil Jeffcott
A quaint game played in the primary 5 swimming pool changing rooms.
Greg would put both legs through his swimming goggles and then pull them up to his waist, where they nestled just above his winky. This would miraculously make the face of a wizened old man (wearing goggles, of course) who had a long nose (about the length of a 9 year old's winky) and a wrinkly chin. Greg would then dance around the changing room as the rest of the class would sing a rousing chorus of
Boh-oh-ong-go JIM!
And his peppery penGUIN!".

I have to confess to being at a loss as where a peppery penguin came into the equation.

Rumors that Greg made one of the girls kiss bongo jim on the nose are unconfirmed. Ooh la la!
approved Mar 25 2008, submitted Sep 26 2005 by Rancid Niblic the IIIrd
Legend has it that a pupil at our school long before I was there had once left a nice steaming 'chocolate log' on the bonnet of a teacher's car after receiving a detention. During my stint there were many overheard threats of 'giving that bastard a bonnet log' after a bollocking. To my knowledge though no threat was ever upheld. Pity.

(I wish Log had had this in his backlog rather than me. Now I have a mental picture of him in a nice easter hat with chicks all over it and daisies woven in his beard. Thanks. Susan.)
approved Apr 23 2003, submitted Mar 22 2003 by Neil Robinson
An invisible dog who lives in a long school corridor. Being prone to getting stepped on, Bonzo requires thirty to forty keepers, who will defend the wretched hound by kicking everyone who walks through the corridor with a cry of "mind the dog!"
approved Dec 20 2002, submitted Dec 20 2002 by Neil Whiley
Imaginary kidnappers who kidnap children in order to show them their boobs. The Boob Lady game was a popular one. We played it a lot.
approved Nov 24 2002, submitted Nov 24 2002 by Peter Gasston
At the start of physics, we "advised" the class spazmo Matt to spend the lesson in the cupboard, in case the "boogieman" came after him. Half way into the lesson he improvised, and burst out punching the air shouting "Come on Boogieman, I'll take you on". He got put in detention.
approved Jan 20 2003, submitted Jan 2 2003 by anonymous user
Perhaps the closest schools have ever got to convincing children that anything school-related is cool. After a number of predictive mistakes, the word "book" has temporarily replaced "cool". Anything met with appreciation - for a short time, I suspect - is now completely "book".
The temptation to include a Metro-style feature of "predictive text ambiguities I have noticed" is so strong, that it can only be a terrible idea. So I won't. Log "I damaged your ex"
approved Jan 31 2006, submitted Jan 17 2006 by Jelly Tot
A measurement of radioactivity emanating from a child's massive forehead. Named after a child with a big bottom lip, whose forehead was so massive that it would emit literally shitloads of boolams, requiring us to take the precautionary measure of slapping him across the face with a ruler.
approved Oct 14 2011, submitted Aug 11 2003 by Doctor Barnabus
Wholly innocent fun. No one gets hurt. One friend lies on his back, legs hunched up. Another friend sits on his feet, one buttock per foot. Friend catapults sitting friend to the best of his ability, saying "boost". Flying friend replies "morale!" upon landing. This isn't funny at all, is it? But it makes me smile so, Mr Sir!
approved Nov 24 2002, submitted Nov 24 2002 by Jon Blyth
Despite your assurance that 'no one gets hurt', whilst performing this very act, I once catapulted a younger and lighter fellow student so far and with such a rotational velocity that he landed most awkwardly and broke his arm at the elbow. It swung both ways in a most sickening manner. Sorry, Jason.
approved Nov 24 2002, submitted Nov 24 2002 by Paul Randall
My brother broke my arm doing this as well. I landed on my arse with my arm underneath me. I was concussed for about three weeks.
approved Nov 24 2002, submitted Nov 24 2002 by Andy Twiss
What to say when someone is wearing a hooded item of clothing and the hood is rapidly and forcefully pulled down over their head, the victims sworn duty after that was to find himself a victim of his own, thus it was spread, quite like AIDS actually....
approved Nov 24 2002, submitted Nov 24 2002 by Rob Davies