The Law of the Playground
the letter c
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Scabby Queen
This is basically the game Old Maid. The "scabby" element comes from the punishment for losing, which is a number of scrapes to the knuckles with the whole deck. The number and violence of the scrapes is determined by cutting the cards (red = soft taps, black = full-blooded whacks, value of card = number of hits).
Convincing a gullible child that any card they draw is worth 20 and concealing a credit card in the deck prior to administering the scrapes will ensure maximum bleeding. If you're a schoolkid with a credit card, that is.

Scrapes
A 2-player game that saves all that fucking around with Scabby Queen rules. Player One cuts. Player Two gives Player One the appropriate number of scrapes as hard as they fucking well can. Player Two cuts. Repeat until either player can�t take any more.
There are arguably no real winners in this game. However, if the player administering the scrapes drops the deck of cards, the other player is entitled to give them fifty-two scrapes. I only saw this happen once, but it resulted in a hand that looked like it had got stuck in a bacon slicer.
approved Mar 29 2006, submitted Mar 27 2006 by Scott Douglas, Matt Fasham
Like Morrissey and Sade, this chromosome-laden girl was a constant source of mystery at school. Kept behind for a number of years, the six-foot tall behemoth lumbered around the playground stamping her foot and drooling. One way to pump up her wrath was to describe cruelty to hamsters, the one form of creature that she seemed to empathise with. Telling her that you had "raped a hamster until it popped" or had enjoyed "hamster pie for dinner" soon turned her into a raging fiend. There was a dark twist in the tale though, as after some nameless crime had been committed, and every bag in the class was searched, the soon-to-have-a-breakdown caretaker found a dead hamster in Carmel's bag. It was like seeing Jill Dando assasinate someone.
approved Nov 24 2002, submitted Nov 24 2002 by Duncan Alexander
The online CASCAiD form with be back online momentarily.
approved Dec 3 2002, submitted Nov 24 2002 by Jon Blyth
This was developed by some group of genii in partial homage to the film "Fight Club"; the procedure went thus.

1. 10 to 20 to all the blokes in the year (excepting all the poofy ones who had girls for mates) would stand in a large circle (clothed, naturally.)
2. The members of the circle would throw whatever small change or trinkets they could muster into the centre of the ring. The amount of money (or cool stuff) would slowly pile up.
3. After some time, an enterprising and daring member of the circle would decide the amount in the pile was enough to offset the risk; he would get on the floor and try and grab it all.
4. And everyone would jump on him.
For the next thirty seconds the situation would degenerate into a writhing, screaming free-for-all, a mosh pit without the music or the kindness. If you were quick, you might make a profit of 10 to 20p every game, and only get your hand crushed a couple of times.
approved Apr 23 2003, submitted Apr 12 2003 by Ugly McBumface
A sock on a cats head is officially the most hilarious thing known to humanity, as the cat in question will automatically go into retarded-driver-reverse mode and shuffle slowly backwards, bumping into things and making odd growly noises. The fun is spoiled, naturally, when parents arrive.
Although this board condones no form of animal cruelty, cats are the excepton. They SO reckon they're IT.
approved Feb 17 2006, submitted Feb 13 2006 by Kit Kat
A favourite of mine was getting the cat to provide us with a show of breakdancing. This is easily achieved by simply putting a piece of Sellotape on each paw. A sock on the head will give it that "Catz in the Hood" gangsta rapper look.
approved Feb 25 2006, submitted Feb 17 2006 by Eager Dad Jnr
A tentative stage of feline sex that catshaggers often dispense with. During the early stages of sexual awakening, you may want to simply try fingering a cat, rather than sticking your whole cock in.
approved Aug 15 2004, submitted Feb 20 2004 by john warburton
To play cat in a bag, you will need a cat, and two bags.
Double up the bags, and make holes in them for the cat's legs and head. When you have forced the doubtlessly reluctant cat into the bag, and wrestled it's little paws into the holes, quickly grab the handles of the bag and swing the cat around.
The cat will be held in place using the same magic that keeps water in swung buckets.
Some notes on cat in a bag;
  1. As with all such games, scream the name of the game while you do it. Just as a bundy isn't a bundy without screaming bundy, cat in a bag requires a manic child to be screaming CAT IN A BAAAAG! as he runs through the playground.
  2. Doubling up the bags will go some way to preventing a ripped bag, which will cause the cat to fly into your friend's mouth, and he'll go boss-eyed and make a comical "gulp" sound with a tail hanging out of his mouth.
  3. You MUST swing the cat. Otherwise it will escape, and probably land on your face, and do a sick on you. To ensure absolute safety from re-purr-cussions, you might like to end the game by simply letting go of the bag.
approved Sep 29 2004, submitted Apr 9 2004 by Mark Harrison
Here are some more Catch 22s - from now on, all new ones will be put in this entry.
SPACKERS SAY NO
Q : Did you watch Spackers Say No last night?
A : No...
Q : Spackers Say No!
Saying yes is a blatantly false claim to have watched a programme that obviously wasn't on last night. Who are you trying to kid, spacker?
approved Dec 3 2002, submitted Nov 24 2002 by Neil Owens
AIDS Q : Have you got AIDS? A : No. Q : Are you positive....?
approved Nov 24 2002, submitted Nov 24 2002 by Neil Owens
"If a gay jumped on your back................ would you let him stay or pull him off?"
approved Nov 24 2002, submitted Nov 24 2002 by Crazy Dave
Are you PT? No : You aren't potty trained. Yes : You're a pregnant teacher. Quite a young one, this.
approved Nov 24 2002, submitted Nov 24 2002 by Erik Dietrich
If you saw your dad and a prostitute drowning in a lake and you could only save one, which would you save? Rescue The Prostitute : "What, and leave your dad to drown?" Rescue Your Dad : "What, and leave your mum to drown?"
approved Dec 3 2002, submitted Nov 24 2002 by Rob
"Do you have HBO?" (American "premium" cable tv)
No: "You must be poor"
Yes: "Eww, you have Horrible Body Odor"
approved Jan 18 2003, submitted Jan 17 2003 by Kirk Israel
"If you were on a bus full of fags, would you get off?"

Memorable response:
"Yeah, I'd get off--the BUS!"
"Sounds like hard work."
"Huh?"
approved Jan 18 2003, submitted Jan 17 2003 by Name Withheld
see also:

"Guess what?"

"What?"

"Urgh! GAYS say WHAT!"

Yes, the original comment was actually "gays say what", said very quickly. However the irony of the first person also saying "what" in the original enquiry rendered this a doubly reversed catch-22, and therefore hideously flawed. Or something.
approved Feb 6 2003, submitted Jan 26 2003 by peter taste
Are you a homo?
Surely the king (or queen?) of all playground catch 22s.
Reply yes : Err, you're a homosexual.
Reply no : You're not a homo sapien?
Not that insulting, unless you're stupid enough to choose the first option.
approved Apr 28 2003, submitted Apr 14 2003 by David Little
Q:Are you ace?
A:Yes
Q:Haha, ace is card, card is paper, paper is thick and so are you.
Thankfully, this was usually a brief phase. Could be countered with "Ace? Ahm fuckin' brilliant, me", or at least I wish I'd have thought of this one when I was 6.
approved Jul 28 2003, submitted Jul 28 2003 by Yak Spit
Q: Do your parents know you're gay?
A: Oh? Ermm...Uh...
Q: Just answer the question!
If they don't answer, that means that they're not sure whether their parents know they're gay, and should be punched in the arm.
approved Sep 17 2003, submitted Sep 10 2003 by Name Withheld
When adolescence is reached, and "effort" is the scariest thing you can demonstrate, all Catch-22s can be reversed by replying to the original question with "Do you care?" If they say yes, they lose their cool detachment from the world (and can be called gay), and if they say no, then there is no need to answer their question as they don't care about the answer.
approved Dec 11 2003, submitted Dec 6 2003 by Name Withheld
Are you dumb or wise?
Wise.

I'm Morecambe! (slap victim's cheeks a la Eric Morecambe)
Are you weak or strong?
Strong.
I thought that strong smell was coming from you.
Ironically, this joke is fucking weak.
What's the worst thing you can buy from a second-hand shop?
What?
Second-hand bog paper. Do you get it?
Yes...
You get second-hand bog paper!
(See also The Gayly Mail, and Wanker's Cramp)
Are you a gay or a farmer?
A farmer.
Here's two acres for you... (punch victim in the balls)
(Probably rural, this one, as it implies that all non-farmers are gay, and that there is no horrific stigma attached to saying "I'm a farmer", which is stretching the imagination a little far...)
approved Sep 29 2004, submitted Jan 18 2004 by Craig Hudson
Another timeless classic:

Are you a lightbulb or a candle?

Lightbulb: So you get turned on by a knob?
Candle: So you get blown out by a puff?

Almost Swiftean in its ingenious subtlety.
approved Aug 15 2004, submitted May 12 2004 by Name Withheld
If Jack helped you off a horse, would you help jack off a horse?
approved Feb 11 2005, submitted Oct 24 2004 by Matt Fell
Would you feel like a dick if you walked into a gay bar?

Yes: Then you want some big gay cock.
No: Then you admit that you would feel right at home. And therefore want some big gay cock while you're there.
approved Apr 12 2005, submitted Feb 7 2005 by anonymous user
A: "What's the most disgusting thing in the world?"
B: "Dunno."
A: "Second hand toilet paper! Do you get it?"
B: "Ha ha! Yes!"
A: "What, you get second hand toilet paper? Is your family so poor you have to use other people's used toilet paper?"
etc.
approved Jun 7 2005, submitted Apr 29 2005 by Chris A
(As if telling a joke)
A: There was this bloke, right, who had a wank in the bath.
B: Yeah?
A: Well, you know what spunk looks like in the bath?
B: (not thinking) Yeah
A (and everyone else): Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaah! You bath-wanking pervert! Say goodbye to your social status and your friends, loser.
approved Jul 31 2005, submitted Jun 29 2005 by Joe Butt
A: Have you heard?
B: Heard what?
A: Have you heard?
B: What?
A: Have you heard the jokes that they don't tell gays?
B: [hopefully] No.
A: That's because they don't tell gays!

Obviously, 'gays' can be amended to 'dykes', or whatever best suits the circumstances. It spoils it a bit if they say "yes". And then say, "sorry, I can't tell you them".
approved Jan 26 2006, submitted Jan 4 2006 by Drab Green
Ask someone what their favourite number is, out of 8, 10, or 11.

If they say "8", make a circle with the thumb and index finger of both hands, and hold them one above the other to represent the figure 8. Then rapidly bonk the two circles together to represent lesbian sex. Numerologists agree that fans of the number 8 are dirty gay bummers.

If they say "11", extend both your index fingers and hold them next to each other to look like the number 11. Then bang the fingertips together rapidly to represent man-on-man action. Another bummer exposed.

If they say "10", extend the index finger of one hand and form a circle with the thumb and index finger of the other. Hold these up together so that it looks something like the number 10. Then put your finger through the hole to represent heterosexual intercourse. But keep your bum against the wall - the number 10 is the bummers' smokescreen.
approved Sep 9 2007, submitted Oct 9 2006 by Osiris of Egypt
What you have to write if you suggest, during a House Debate, that you are having sexual relations with the Pope.

You should also mention in your letters that you now appreciate that the word 'git' is not appropriate for such a forum, even if it was used to describe Mussolini.
approved Feb 6 2004, submitted Jan 24 2004 by Nathaniel Tapley
The circular whirring pads that can be found on industrial floor-buffers.
Any of Catriona's diseases can be passed on by contact with one of these pads.
You were immune from these diseases as long as your contact with the pad was limited to wanging it at someone else.
approved Sep 17 2003, submitted Aug 9 2003 by Gary Whittle
The noble art of cat shagging can result in two very different responses. For instance, in our school, it wasn't all that bad; Wayne Radford was a catshagger, yes. But no-one minded. However...
approved Nov 24 2002, submitted Nov 24 2002 by Jon Blyth
Paul Bradfield was a Patrick Sears (see Patrick Sears). His life was a non stop carnival of misery and pain, and many long hours were spent chained to railings and crying. (The railing he was chained to was directly outside the staffroom window, and yet, no-one came...). Anyway - the highlight of Paul's career was the day the rumour began that he'd been shagging his cat. The magic of rumours like this is that they don't have to be true - his reaction made us want to believe it. The plush pussies followed. The stickers. The chalk pictures on every blackboard in the school. Every year, every pupil knew that Paul Bradfield shagged his cat. Eventually his parents complained, but you can't exactly punish an entire school, can you?
approved Nov 24 2002, submitted Nov 24 2002 by Paddy
Daniel Kelly wore wellies ALL DAY. His dad was a monkey with a trophy wife who had failed miserably to produce non-mong progeny. Daniel it was discovered, had a special relationship with his cat. However, his simian cock must have been too much for the poor pussy, as, lo, we found the wretched thing wandering folornly outside his house mewing softly and trying unsuccessfuly to withdraw the biro that was protruding from its arse. mi-OW!
approved Apr 15 2005, submitted Mar 22 2004 by greg is best
Pronounced Kay-vee. Used when getting up to mischevious caper at school. Somebody stands Cave and if a teacher comes along whispers Cave to alert the mischevious caper doers to the presence of authority. From the Latin for danger.
approved Nov 24 2002, submitted Nov 24 2002 by Roger West
Is it just me, or did latin references just not happen in Comps? And we never got up to mischevious capers, we just got bollocked.
approved Nov 24 2002, submitted Nov 24 2002 by Jon Blyth
Fools! Cave is pronounced 'car-way', Latin not having the Anglo Saxon 'v' sound.
I suspect "Roger West" is really a compo boy - his real name is probably Todger Vest.
approved Sep 29 2005, submitted Sep 18 2005 by gavin borris
A real-life black man who hangs around in shopping centres offering ten dollars to smell children's feet. Children, although tempted, will generally decline from a mixture of fear and mistrust.
approved Nov 24 2002, submitted Nov 24 2002 by Michele
Cedric was our GSCE English teacher. I always thought this nickname was just childish alliteration, but the real reason soon became apparent.
During his lessons we would occasionally hear a long hissing noise, as he slowly but surely pissed himself.
He wore a catheter bag, which might explain why his pissing hissed, to be honest I never put my hand up and asked "sir, why does it make a hissing sound when you stand in front of class and piss yourself?"
Occasionally... this bag would develop a leak. And because he wore the same trousers everyday, a succession of dry salty tidemarks would develop around the crotch.
It is with a sense of shame - the man was incredibly nice - that I remember the whole class roaring with laughter. Cedric thinking it was due to his excellent depiction of Malvolio in Twelfth Night. Us, because the more we laughed, the more it encouraged him to prance about and the bigger his wet patch would grow.
(I have checked this entry out with the author, and he swears blind that it is all true. And that's good enough for me. - Log)
approved Sep 30 2004, submitted Feb 17 2004 by Slab Ghost
Take a little plastic syringe from the science labs, hack up a load of flem, and put it in the syringe. Then slam the syringe down on the table as hard as you could, plunger first, causing the flem to rocket up and stick to the ceiling. It will then slowly drip down for the next hour, in long gloopy strands. Best done over someone else's desk.
approved Nov 24 2002, submitted Nov 24 2002 by Visage
A normal paper aeroplane, but with the names of over 200 celebrities written all over it. Primitive attempts to colour-code the celebrities were made (Bill Beaumont and Emlyn Hughes, being sportspeople, were brown) but didn't last. Aged 13, we did have a premature understanding of which celebrities had comedy potential. For instance, Bella Emberg made it onto the plane, as did Dustin Gee. Les Dennis didn't, and neither did Terry Wogan. Standards were high. Finally, we decided that we didn't want to throw the plane, in case we didn't get it back. Eventually, I think we sent it to Zzap! 64, in an attempt to get a mention in their Reader's Pages. They also ran a "joystick in unusual places" competition, and I made my best mate Paul draw a picture of a Seedy Casino With Topless Croupiers. Paul's own twist on the Casino was that it was inhabited solely by Bernard Cribbinses, with tassles coming from their nipples. I took a photo of my joystick on the page, but - sadly - it didn't come out properly, and looked rubbish. I sent it anyway.
approved Nov 24 2002, submitted Nov 24 2002 by Jon Blyth
The alter-ego of a boy who suffered from an irritatingly real form of mental illness. Cha Man had no special powers. In fact, he was lacking many of the powers that ordinary people had. Such as anything you care to mention. Cha Man was - incredibly - tolerated by 200 other children, whose kindness was also their cruelty. See Cha-Copter.
approved Nov 24 2002, submitted Nov 24 2002 by Jon Blyth
Designed by master craftsman Paul Daft, the Cha-Copter was a gift to Cha-Man. It was no faster than the Cha-Mobile, and indeed, no higher. It merely required more movement on Cha-Man's part, and thus made him far more excited. Indulging this fantasy may well have prevented Cha Man's integration into society on a permanent basis, as he is still a mong. He works in the Arnold branch of Sainsbury's. Check for the enormous overbite.
approved Nov 24 2002, submitted Nov 24 2002 by Jon Blyth
How Cha Man gets from A to B. The Cha-Mobile involved Cha-Man running around with his hands in front of him (as though he was gripping a steering wheel, of course) and going "cheeyyaaaaa" at a continually rising pitch as he gained speed. He would 'change gear' when he ran out of breath, and start again.
approved Nov 24 2002, submitted Nov 24 2002 by Jon Blyth
The name of an unfortunate young man, whose parents must have been thinking in one of two ways;
- Let's distract everyone from the surname. Let's give him forenames so preposterously poncey that by the time people have got around to saying the surname, they'll already be punching him.
- Fuck it, we're Gays. We were born to be bullied, bring it the fuck on.

approved Jul 15 2004, submitted Mar 29 2004 by Matthew Hannah