The Law of the Playground
the letter c
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Christening different new clothing required different rituals. Doctor Marten's boots had to be broken in by kicking someone harder than yourself up the arse. The more holes the boots had, the harder your target had to be. If the task was not completed that lunchtime, you would get kicked by all other DM wearers.
approved Nov 24 2002, submitted Nov 24 2002 by Sinbad The
A good time to ridicule Jehova's Witnesses is to talk about your Christmas presents in front of one. In particular, ask four or five people what they got before you get to the Jehova, pause, then ask them what they got. Word of warning - make sure you do not ask a poor kid what they got in the build up, or else he might accidentally become the object of ridicule. See also knock knock jokes.
approved Nov 24 2002, submitted Nov 24 2002 by Jon Blyth
Clive (aka Olive, as capital C's in his handwriting were marginally closer to an O than anyone else's), the Jehovah kid in our class used to get more Christmas cards than anyone else, which was clearly hilarious. He never lived it down when he mistakenly told us he'd had beans on toast for Christmas dinner.
approved Apr 24 2003, submitted Apr 9 2003 by Breeze
Had two girls at my school (sisters) who were jehovahs. We thought they were really luckly cos they didn't go to assembly and got to sit and draw or whatever while we learnt about god and stuff. Not so lucky now as the younger one died after being squashed against a wall by the school bus. She would have lived if she could have had a blood transfusion. Bastards.
approved Oct 28 2003, submitted Oct 27 2003 by becki moss
The name of a child with learning disabilites in my year. Because of his presence I was denied much of the spastic in-jokery that was prevalent amongst most schools at the time, as anyone caught making fun of him would be dealt with severely.
I'm quite grateful to him, because it is through him that I learnt how to deal with mentally handicapped people; generally, stare at the floor not saying anything and hoping they will go away, so you can stop feeling guilty. Oh, and empty gestures of friendship, like being forced by your mother to invite him to your birthday party.
When he left school, spastic jokes promptly became all the rage, even amongst the teachers.
approved Apr 29 2003, submitted Apr 8 2003 by chin tee
The spraying of Deep Heat onto the testicles. A proper night-time chubbing requires a number of key roles. Least popular was the pulling down of the pyjamas, indifferent was the variable number of team members required to pin down the victim, and most prestigious was the chubber himself, who delivered the chub unto the naducles. This can go wrong (or spectacularly right, depending on your level of sadism and optimism) if the victim is allergic to Deep Heat.
approved Nov 24 2002, submitted Nov 24 2002 by Chris Laity
vt. To masturbate. As a noun, you are a "chugger", and if you are a prolific wanker, you are a "chuggernaut". Derived from the imagined effort and sound effects that go into a wank, which is, honestly, the equivalent of the engine on an ant boat.
approved Nov 24 2002, submitted Nov 24 2002 by Kendo , Jon Blyth
I recently noticed that Oasis fruit juice bottles have 'Chug It' written on the top, followed by 'open by hand'. Beat that.
approved Oct 17 2006, submitted Jul 21 2006 by Peter Lynch
Advanced bummer, or, if you will, bum chum third dan.
approved Mar 17 2003, submitted Mar 17 2003 by Simon Brighty
Gob on your cigarette.
Add powdered flint from your cheap lighter.
Light cigarette.
Voila - crap cigarette sparkler.
approved Apr 15 2004, submitted Apr 14 2004 by Nic Peters
The game made famous in TVs 'Malcolm in the Middle', but an old favourite.
Object of the game is to get the victim to "see" the magic circle, made from your thumb and index finger (in the classic "OK" sign). The magic circle is only "active" when the victim looks directly at it when it is held below waist level.

The victims attention is drawn to the magic circle using diversion techniques such as pointing out untied shoelaces, dropping coins etc, anything where one must look below waist level. The magic circle can then be introduced into the victims field of vision. When the victim looks directly at the magic circle, you are permitted to punch them on the arm for their gullibility. A pain in the arse to explain, breathtakingly simple in practice.

approved Aug 12 2003, submitted Aug 6 2003 by Name Withheld
Also known as The Orifice. An additional rule is that if you managed to get your finger in and out of The Orifice before it closed, you could punch the other guy on the arm 3 times. However, you had to rub it better otherwise you got punched back.
The Orifice also works in photographs; I made one in our department's annual photo, and am technically entitled to punch everyone in the building.
approved Sep 17 2003, submitted Aug 22 2003 by Mark Rowell
If the intended victim can insert their finger into the circle without looking at it, the effects are reversed, allowing the victim to punch the aggressor.

Perfecting this technique will stand you in good stead come the end of term school disco, during a slow dance with Amanda Byrne or any other tart in a too-short skirt.
approved Aug 27 2003, submitted Aug 26 2003 by Name Withheld
If the victim inserts his finger into your circle in an attempt to reverse your win, you can close your fist and trap his finger, which grants you double reversies. Punch his arm twice as hard to let him know that you will not tolerate such insolence.
approved Jul 13 2004, submitted Jan 18 2004 by Craig Hudson
A futile question designed to test the infinite patience of our Religious Education teacher. He would reply every time with a textbook response - "It is the removal of a small piece of skin from the male sexual organ, or penis." If he had answered without using the phrase "male sexual organ, or penis", he might have been spared the endless repetition. But he did, and he wasn't.
approved Nov 24 2002, submitted Nov 24 2002 by Jon Blyth
Our RE teacher added, "I saw a circumcision once. It put me right off spaghetti hoops".
approved Jun 15 2004, submitted Nov 5 2003 by Abby Normal
A boy, in need of support and companionship after receiving a prosthetic testicle, tells his 'best friend' about said operation. Within minutes the entire school knows. Within hours his name is 'clacker knackers'. Withing a week, kids are waiting for him to pass by at break times with a couple of Coke cans, clanking them together to match the rhythm of his walk. The bionic bollocked boy flees.
approved Feb 10 2003, submitted Feb 10 2003 by anonymous user
A greatly evil character from the film Robocop, which I was obsessed with at that time of my life. Particular choice Boddicker quotes that we would often use in tedious repetition were: "Can you fly Bobby?" when tripping people up, and "Bitches, leave!" whenever Paul Antell walked into the room.
approved Jan 20 2003, submitted Jan 20 2003 by Simon S
Another classic Robocop quote - I'd buy that for a dollar.
To be used near a woman with exceptionally large breasts, preferably someone's mum.
approved Sep 17 2003, submitted Aug 25 2003 by Arturo Gloveriuos
At my school, the thick fuckers were put in the class ending with the letter E (1E, 2E etcetera. Get it?). These classes were so stupid that teachers didn't even try. We did, however, discover that they liked poetry when we saw pinned to the wall the finest works of 1E. 'Red Rose' 'I have a guinea called rose, his name is rather red'. Abstract or what? This led to us making up reams of similar works to amuse ourselves. Sounds elitist I know but if you can't spell your own name when you're 12 you fucking deserve it.
approved Nov 24 2002, submitted Nov 24 2002 by Mooey
Classic urban fable, told with very little variation, although in this version the boy is listening to Beethoven's Fifth. Basically,
  • Boy decides to have immersive wank, using headphones and closing his eyes.
  • Boy masturbates to stringy completion.
  • Upon opening his eyes, a steaming cup of tea is next to his bed.
  • Boy deduces that mother has watched him wank.

A worse case scenario would be if the child opened his eyes on the vinegar strokes, saw his mother standing there, and having passed the point of no return, ejaculated onto his knee while they both stared at each other. A grubby little punctuation mark, sliding onto the linen.
approved Aug 19 2003, submitted Jul 17 2003 by Toilet Tax, Jon Blyth
After one class exercise, we were allowed to decide on the winner of a poster-making competition by judging each other's posters. This was designed to encourage a feeling of interaction, fairness, and "having a say".
What in fact happened was an immediate orgy of bribery, blackmail and violence in an attempt to get full marks. Ahh... organised crime.
approved Dec 6 2004, submitted Nov 20 2004 by Gareth Thomas
An ultra-urgent version of "dog in the playground" was "wasp in the classroom".
As the game was more urgent, you didn't have time to shout "wasp in the classroom". You'd just shoud "Wasp!", and the entire class would jump to their feet, waving rulers around without any real aim, stand on their desks, throw books at the wasps, and ignore the weak child who would squeal that we were "making it angry". Girls would pull at their hair, convinced that it was in there, or hide under their desks to avoid the books and flailing rulers.
It resembled the Muppets' green room, crossed with Airplane's "Don't Panic - PANIC" scene. Only three things could return calm;
  1. By an extreme fluke, the wasp is killed.
  2. The wasp flies out of the classroom.
  3. The teacher sighs and leaves the room.
approved Apr 19 2005, submitted Nov 23 2004 by anonymous user
Teachers should note, do not bring a can of wasp spray to school for these eventualities. Someone will play hero, the wasp will drown in a concentrated blast of spray before it can even consider being poisoned, somebody will be blinded, the class asthmatic will choke and some girls will cry over the corpse.
approved Aug 20 2005, submitted Jul 22 2005 by Clockwork Cow
Stock phrase from a teacher, when confronted by pupils making a mess.
Best met with the reply "yes, they are". Because, after all, they fucking are.
approved Feb 24 2004, submitted Feb 3 2004 by anonymous user
Taking inspiration from a Harvest Festival hymn, the game of Cleave The Sod involved huddling round a victim (the "Sod") and pushing them up against the playground fence while chanting "Cleave The Sod!".

We never considered setting the victim on fire, though. Other than that, it was exactly like The Wicker Man.
approved May 7 2004, submitted Apr 28 2004 by Miss Mindy
The stupidest bloke ever. We told him once that a wasp nest had 50 quid in it, and all he had to do was to shout at it whilst running towards it. Upon reaching it he then had to beat the living wasp out of it. He ended up looking like Russell Harty's cock. Hence the phrase "Don't be such a Clemo"
approved Nov 24 2002, submitted Nov 24 2002 by Scott Williams
Many parsimonious mothers make their children items of clothing - the baggy jumper of comedy folklore. Clim's mum went one further and made him a pair of shoes. This wasn't quite as mental as it sounds, as she worked in a shoe factory, but the soles that she took from there were several sizes too big for Clim's feet. Accordingly, all around the uppers was a good inch of sole, and Clim Clofwell's dodgems were born.
Needless to say, Clim hated the shoes with a passion, but they proved to be absolutely indestructible. He left them out in the garden for 2 weeks whilst away on holiday; they went mouldy, but still would not die.

Clim ended up as the victim of a strange man under a bridge in Leicester who looked on whilst Clim was forced to strip, and then put on an enormous pair of white Y-fronts. I'm not sure what part his home-made shoes played in this sordid episode.
approved Sep 6 2005, submitted Aug 25 2005 by Rik MacKichan-Burke
Not a proper or acceptable substitute for a lunchbox.
approved Nov 24 2002, submitted Nov 24 2002 by Jon Blyth
Or a contraceptive.
approved Oct 2 2003, submitted Sep 25 2003 by Rube Hickington
The Cling Film Bomb
  1. Eat whole pack of refreshers.
  2. Retain in mouth.
  3. Empty into cligfilm.
  4. Twist tightly to form 'bomb'.
  5. Throw at someone's head.
  6. Fall around laughing.
  7. Go home for tea.
approved Oct 2 2003, submitted Sep 26 2003 by Tom Ablewhite
Apparently, you could put clingfilm over the toilet at a party, so that peoples' poo and wee went everywhere. Personally, I can't see that people wouldn't notice.
I preferred the old 'empty a bottle of washing up liquid into the cistern' trick, which was lush.
approved Oct 21 2003, submitted Oct 7 2003 by Andy Mansh
A less hygenic version of the washing up liquid was Top Decking. Simply drop your bowels into the cistern and voila; the host will be flushing stinky brown water down their toilet for weeks, if not years to come.
approved Oct 23 2003, submitted Oct 23 2003 by Stuart Laidler
the only sensible use for clingfilm is to stretch it over your mouth and breathe in sharply, thus creating a pop that sounds nothing like gunfire; but when accompied by your friend pretending to fire from his gunshaped hand, can be quite realistic. Maybe.
approved Oct 28 2003, submitted Oct 27 2003 by Nic Peters
When we commented on the sounds that Laura Burbela made in the toilets, she claimed that it was because she had dropped two pound coins in the bowl.
Now, none of us believed the pikey bint ever actually had 2 quid on her, but she kept up the act, even putting her hand down the loo, and trying to reach them. Of course, reaching into pissy water to touch her own shits was all we expected of her, so she didn't lose too much status.
This is the girl who - when I asked her why she walked like she'd shat herself - claimed she had shat herself. Forwhy? It kept her bum succulent.
Anyway, everyone knows the standard procedure for shitting in public; if you're going to shit with people listening, catch it on your toilet paper covered hand and lower it in to the loo carefully, so no one hears you. Remember to piss too, though, or they'll think you went in there to put in a tampon, which is sick.
Laura is welcome to come back at me with some awful revelation, if she's reading this. But she'd be lying. Because I was perfect. And dead popular.
Laura Burbela, the gloves are OFF - dish the shit on Kate S IMMEDIATELY - Log
approved Oct 1 2004, submitted Jan 25 2004 by Kate S