The Law of the Playground
the letter c
page 9 of 9
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Our school's zero tolerance policy towards PE kit offenders went too far when Richard Muchamore was forced to complete a cross-country run in his pants. No ten-laps-of-the-school-field for Richard - they sent him out into the world.
Given that the venue for our cross-country runs was the infamous 'cottaging' area of Hampstead Heath, London, the story of a 13 year old boy jogging up and down in a pair of Knight Rider Y-fronts might well have ended more messily than it did.
approved Jul 12 2006, submitted Jan 14 2006 by Derek Moseley
Our bitchwhore of a first year junior teacher, Miss Shaw, made a young lad of pikey extraction do PE in a lovely pleated green PE skirt from the lost kit mong begbox when he forgot his shorts once. If I saw her today, I'd kick her in the cunt for that.
approved Jul 25 2006, submitted Jul 15 2006 by Drew Styles
Back in junior school we were forced to undergo the abject humiliation of cross-stitch. Designed specially for retards, this involved threading shoe-lace sized string through some material which had specially made holes in it, using huge, but annoyingly blunt, knitting needles. Whilst some fun was derived from the fact our intended space shuttle designs turned out like - in all honesty - a big cock, the best was yet to come. The class retard, Lisa Smith, who had sat quietly, intently embroidering, for the best part of an hour finished with a flourish and, standing up to show off her creation, realised, along with the rest of the class, that she had managed to sew the entire thing through her dress. The only thing better than the downright fuckwittedness of this act was the realisation of exactly how much effort it must have taken to force the blunt needle through her dress. One particular bonus was that whilst the teacher spent an hour unpicking every stitch it gave a great opportunity for the more inventive to try putting the needles through each others legs.
approved Nov 24 2002, submitted Nov 24 2002 by Boglin
A nickname applied to me early on in Grade 7 by a flat-chested girl clearly deluded about her own attractiveness. According to friends, the name derived from the fact that every time I looked at her, I would get a steaming erection, which I would get out and beat off.
Even if I had been inclined to spontaneous public dickwanking, I wouldn't have done it over a girl who looked like a fucking man.
approved Jul 7 2003, submitted Jul 5 2003 by Nicolas Kastoris
The punishment dealt out to those who deserved it, and equally often to those who didn't. On the workbench where there was a vice in each corner, your victimchild would have a blazer cuff in each of the top two vices and trouser leg in each of the bottom two, leaving him open for various wood and sawdust-centric gags. Chisels presented those playing the Romans with interesting sword-in-the-side opportunities.
approved Feb 18 2004, submitted Feb 5 2004 by Name Withheld
The act of taking a classmate's pen / pencil / ruler, going to the toilet and rubbing the object up and down the crack of your arse with unseemly relish, then quietly replacing it. A bonus occurs if the victim thoughtfully puts the crustied item to his mouth.
approved Nov 24 2002, submitted Nov 24 2002 by Jason Granger
Crystal was a girl at my primary school who had been kept back a year due to her mental health problems. One lunchtime, Darby Dorass went to the toilet for a piss and came out screaming. We went into the toilets to see that Crystal was standing there having a shit into one of the urinals. Nobody ever used that urinal again.
approved Aug 1 2005, submitted Jul 12 2005 by Josh Baines
One who wipes their nose/arse/mouth/whatever on their cuffs to such an extent there is a buildup of crud pretty much to the elbow. Just a tramp, basically.
approved Nov 24 2002, submitted Nov 24 2002 by Ben Harvey
The process of placing fruit into Adrian Thomas' half empty yogurt pots and anonymously leaving them at the back of someone else's locker for days or even weeks. The Culture's crowning glory came when one fell over in self-styled "hard kid" Scott Cornwell's locker and festering strawberry goo was deposited over his stuff.
approved Dec 14 2002, submitted Dec 14 2002 by Phil Glansvile
In Latin, cum means "with". There was a particular way of constructing a phrase where it took on a different meaning; eg "word" cum "word" cum "word" The middle word, therefore, is in a cum sandwich
approved Nov 24 2002, submitted Nov 24 2002 by Jeremy Martin
Variation on the game fuck (qv), where you have to say "cunt" and get louder and louder. Rarely does the cry get very loud, as the word is so bad. We were all basically a bunch of soft girls, really.
approved Nov 24 2002, submitted Nov 24 2002 by Ian Henderson
Use "fatty" near to fat people for a softer version, as it's not really offensive except to the fat person, and fat people can't really punch you because their fingers are like cushions.
approved Nov 24 2002, submitted Nov 24 2002 by Jon Blyth, Moses
Inform a child how great Clint Eastwood is, and how much he or she loves them. Then make a special Clint Eastwood cap for the child to wear in lessons. This is a rather shonky origami affair with the word Clint written across it.
Be sure to write Clint in big capital letters, with the L and the I meeting at the bottom, though.
approved Apr 23 2003, submitted Apr 16 2003 by griff .
Word coined by a boy in my primary school who thought it was the Best Insult Ever because it was a compound of the two Worst Swearwords Ever. He was disabused of this idea when he tried to use it to insult smarter kids, who pointed out that if you thought fucking ladies in the cunt was bad, then you were obviously a big gaylord.
approved Feb 10 2005, submitted Jan 25 2005 by anonymous user
At nine, I wasn't totally sure what this meant, or whether it would get me in trouble if I said it within earshot of a teacher. It did.
approved Jan 21 2004, submitted Jan 16 2004 by Name Withheld
Walking cautiously home from school behind some big fat year nines, I overheard one say to the other, "You're a cuntstack!". I gaped, wide-eyed, thinking I had stumbled across an ingenious new insult with hilarious origins. I later found out the bloke was called Kevin Stack, and his mate was therefore merely calling him a cunt, but this didn't stop me using 'cuntstack' at every possible opportunity.
approved Nov 24 2002, submitted Nov 24 2002 by Anna
A 'cuntstack' could, of course, refer to the classic rear view of a pile of naked ladies that used to round off the 'local features' shoot in Razzle.
approved Oct 27 2003, submitted Oct 27 2003 by Slab Ghost
I had a similar experience. And I still maintain that 'asswife' is far superior to 'asswipe' as an insult.

An asswife, of course, is like a fishwife, only assier.
approved Oct 26 2011, submitted Jan 24 2006 by Salad Meringue
Usually dispensed in the school dinner queue. In order to make a Cup-a-Poop one hand was cupped over the arse crack, so that an SBD could be stealthily emanated.
The warmed and stinking cupped hand would be clenched into a fist to contain the smells. Then opened up over the mouth and nose of any unsuspecting smaller kid along with the shout of Cup-a-Poop! Cup-a-Poop! Cup-a-Poooooooooop! You would rub your hand quite hard in their face, to make sure every last drop went up their nose.
Occasionally you would ask your victim first; 'What is your favourite flavour Cup-a-Poop?' Whatever they answered would be challenged with 'Well I think it's beef' before the Cup-a-Poop was served.
approved Jun 24 2005, submitted Jun 8 2005 by Stuart Moss
If you hear strange banging noises emanating from a cupboard, and you've recently heard someone talking about a pirate copy of The Exorcist, then you are likely to believe that the cupboard is possessed by the Devil, who for some reason is interested in occupying a space holding hamster feed, balls of wool and eight-year old boxes of tampons for the more 'advanced' girls.
That the noises might be caused by kids in the classroom on the other side of the wall playing Granny's Garden on a computer and kicking the wall out of sheer boredom, would not occur to you. At least, not if you are David Malone.

This led to David asking Reverend Quine (in one of his weekly religious education visits) if he could exorcise the cupboard. Assemblies about offending visiting guests followed, and David wasn't asked to go in the cupboard for wool again.
approved Apr 16 2005, submitted Nov 10 2004 by Name Withheld
A fellow pupil became rather green about the gills during a lesson and showed signs of imminent hurling. As there clearly wouldn't be time to get the pupil to the toilets, the teacher had to take emergency action. However, instead of doing something sensible, like grabbing a wastebin and thrusting it towards the pupil, the teacher cupped his hands and allowed the pupil to vomit into them. To this day I'm utterly mystified by sir's motivation for protecting the sanctity of a scuffed classroom floor.
approved Jun 1 2005, submitted May 25 2005 by Edward Norman
Part of the same family of words as Scunthorpe, crumpet and KT Tunstall, as words you can easily amend to cunt (or kunt).
The best possible scenario is getting a teacher to read out this Dungeon Masteresque riddle - "once you have connected the wire, the cunt should be significantly higher".
approved Dec 20 2005, submitted Jul 27 2005 by Bionic Sheep
John Hunter (known as 'Curtains' for his sad fanny-parting haircut) was the only person in the school who was bullied by everyone. A favourite memory of this criminally annoying nonentity is seeing him, in fifth form aged 16, being chased around by a gang of rogueish first years who are baying for his blood. This is one of those lads who never learns that if you take the piss out of a large group of kids, no matter how old you are, if you're a complete pussy, they're going to beat the living shit out of you. And beat him up they did.
approved Apr 24 2003, submitted Apr 1 2003 by Name Withheld