The Law of the Playground
the letter d
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A nasty mob would encircle the 'special' kid in our class, all mouthing silent words. Convinced that he had gone deaf, his agitation would increase rapidly. Five minutes was normally sufficient to produce one of the desired reactions - either he would burst into tears and attempt to escape the circle, or curl into a foetal ball whimpering softly.

At this point, we would all repeatedly scream "DEFFO!", which, rather than reassuring him that his hearing was fine, would instead induce a near cardiac arrest, and, on a good day, cause him to piss himself.
approved Jul 17 2005, submitted Jul 15 2005 by Professor Brazen Guff
Primary: Sextus plays with his dog's bone.
Secondary: Anus means "grandmother".
Sixth form: Eheu (a ho) means Alas; Euge (pron. "you gay") means "Hooray!".
Postgraduate: Pedicabo ego et uos irrumabo means "I will sodomise you and ejaculate in your mouth".
approved Dec 18 2005, submitted Dec 16 2005 by anonymous user
One who is physically and/or mentally inept.
It took me years to make the connection between calling someone a Delve in a stupid voice whilst violently slapping the back of my hand/head and Swanwick Delves, a school for the mentally handicapped a few miles away. Div.
approved Jan 15 2003, submitted Dec 23 2002 by Chris Lambert
Why do they give 'special' schools such names? Our local one was called, for about two years, Ruggets. They probably changed the name when they heard hundreds of kids calling each other Ruggets in playgrounds all over the area. Of course if you were called a Rugget, the only acceptable recourse was calling them a Rugget reject.

approved Jan 23 2003, submitted Jan 23 2003 by Name Withheld
The names of special schools make for strangely credible christian names; For instance, Carlton Digby, Beck Meadows, and at a push, Swanwick Delves.

Anyone would think that the founders of these mong sanctuaries are trying to give normal schoolkids insult ammunition.

Hazel Hurst is a good one for ladies who "might be better off with a more vocational education".
approved Aug 20 2007, submitted May 10 2005 by anonymous user
A traditional torture introduced by an occasional brutal Japanese exchange student. Literally translates as 'electric massage' and consists of flooring one's victim holding his ankles and pumping hard with your foot against his crotch, much like a "pro" wrestling move. We were in awe of this technique when it was first introduced and named it "the baby", due to its similarities with the pain endured during childbirth. If boys could have babies through their cocks, presumably.
approved Dec 18 2002, submitted Dec 17 2002 by Tyrannosaurus Flex
Any child whose brain is full of der. 'Der' can cause you to do stupid things. The word der, and its variant der-brain (or bwain) was pronounced "duuuhhhhhhhh" in a mong voice at a length directly proportionate to the idiocy of the addressee. Usually used in response to someone acting like a div (q.v.), it was the voice of scorn descending on the unfortunate transgressor. More effective in choruses of 10 kids or more.
approved Nov 24 2002, submitted Nov 24 2002 by Katy
One boy at our school was deemed to be so much of a der-brain that he actually beamed rays of pure der, like a lighthouse.

Deciding that "Der-Ray Flasher" sounded like the name of a country and western singer, we wrote his eponymous debut song. Well, I say a song, but it was more along the lines of pretending to play the banjo and singing "I'm Der-Ray Flasher" in cod-American twang.
approved Mar 1 2006, submitted Oct 6 2005 by stickle brick
Grafitti on the back the back seat of the 423, 424, and 426 buses from Bradford to Wakefield. Penned by either an agrieved ex-con who couldn't afford a car or Derek, who was bragging.
approved Nov 24 2002, submitted Nov 24 2002 by Anne-Marie
Mr French was brought in to teach us when some other teacher decided to go and let off a baby, or something. Mr French was told that one of the class's recently deceased Nan was hidden in the store cupboard, and if he didn't believe us, then he should open the cupboard to see.
For about 40 minutes he refused to entertain the idea, until he finally decided to shut us all up, once and for all, by looking in the cupboard. An earlier raid of the drama rooms and a cleverly disguised 3rd year slumping to the floor ensured that Mr French screamed like a bitch.
You can't expect children to take you seriously after you've screamed like a bitch.
approved Sep 27 2004, submitted May 3 2004 by Rich Shannon
Clearly just Technical Drawing rebranded with a pretentious London-artwank-college name.
approved Apr 18 2003, submitted Apr 16 2003 by Paul Equinox Collins
Ah, Mr Herrington - "Technical Ted". God's gift to race relations. One winter's day, he walked Gabriel Cheung, a boarder from Hong Kong, up to the window, and, pointing to the whiteness outside said "This is snow Cheung. You've probably not seen this before."
approved Oct 31 2003, submitted Oct 28 2003 by Chud Bud
When placed at a new desk the first thing you'd do was check what the graffiti was on the desk. Our school was tolerant of graffitti as long as it didn't contain swear words. One day me and my gang of friends decided to write 'Fuck Me' on our desks. Unfortunately someone else was spotted writing 'Graham is a prick' or something on their desk at the time. The teacher came over and went berserk. He said he was then going to walk down each aisle to check if anyone else had swore on their desk. Quickly we decided to try and amend what we'd written. I came up with 'Fookey Meou', others came up with other stupid variations. Unfortunately one of us missed the point of the exercise entirely, and amended his to 'Fuck me mother'. Our enormous laughter at this foolishness brought the teacher over right away. We all got the ruler.
approved Nov 24 2002, submitted Nov 24 2002 by Karl Neilson
A guy called Dave in my class was hauled up in front of the head on suspicion of writing something on his desk. Rumour has it that he was accused of writing 'Dave is gay'. Almost certainly not true, but there's no smoke without fire.

(Its a classic example of double bluff, the like of which Call My Bluffs Sandy Toksvig would be proud. Wait a minuteSandy Toksvig? A ha! Dave is SO DEFINITELY GAY. Hoisted by your own petard, Dave. -Susan)
approved Apr 29 2003, submitted Apr 1 2003 by Name Withheld
Harry the New Boy was so incensed at being greeted by the grafitti "Harry Cleans Desks" every time he sat down that he took it upon himself to remove the scrawl off all the surfaces on which it appeared, thus corroborating the allegation.

Perhaps you had to be there.
approved Nov 27 2004, submitted Oct 24 2004 by Matt Fell
In the 80s people who couldn't afford Nike, Ellesse or Fila would always buy the next best thing and yet STILL think they were 'with it', the next best thing being Diadora (or Kappa). However, to those in the know, these people would be known as 'Diadora Scrubs' and may as well be wearing sandals made of poo.
approved Apr 24 2003, submitted Mar 24 2003 by Simon Brighty
Wearing Lotto trainers made one girl in our school the 'Lotto Monster' for quite some time. No-one had much against her bar that.
approved Oct 2 2003, submitted Oct 1 2003 by Davy .
A piece of graffiti which was scrawled on almost every wall, lampost, garage and fence between our school and Phil's front door. The perpetrator simply found the name Phil funny and its genius lay in the fact that it never specified what Phil would actually do if you dialed his number.
In spite of this ambiguity, it didn't stop Phil's parents sending him out into the dark and rainy night to scrub it all off.
approved Sep 12 2005, submitted Aug 22 2005 by Tony Green
Very old teachers - it was rumoured - wore adult diapers. To test this theory, hold your breath as the teacher walks past your seat; if you can hear crinkling, then they are wearing diapers.
If you can't hear crinkling, they must be wearing some new space-age diaper where they've fixed the crinkling issue.
approved Dec 23 2003, submitted Dec 3 2003 by Name Withheld
approved Nov 24 2002, submitted Nov 24 2002 by Christopher John
An exhilarating game of chance that may have inspired the seminal novel 'The Diceman' by Luke Reinhart.

We had two big squishy rubber dice in the playground, and the game was played by assigning a particular dare to each number (for example running round the back of class 4, which wasn't allowed, or chucking a stone at a dinner lady.)

Alternate versions played included 12 people coming up with one BIG dare (like knocking on the headmaster's office window) and each taking a number in the lottery of doom. No-one ever refused to do something once the dice had decreed it.

I can't see how the relatively consequence-free 'knocking on the headmaster's window' is a bigger dare than chucking a stone at a dinner lady - unless Sam's headmaster was, like, a demon or something.
approved Apr 17 2005, submitted May 12 2004 by Name Withheld
Draw a dick on a Rizla and stick it to your tongue. Suffused with saliva, the Rizla will go transparent, giving the highly realistic impression of having a dick tattooed on your tongue. This may be accompanied with gleeful shouts of "Dick on Tongue!".
approved Apr 18 2003, submitted Apr 3 2003 by Little Miss
Some unknown wag had carved the words 'The Dick Seat' onto the back of one of the chairs in our French classroom. As if controlled by some higher force, the location of the dick seat could never be reliably predicted from one lesson to the next. It was, of course, accepted without question by everyone that sitting in the dick seat would make you a dick. In some kind of ghastly parody of Musical Chairs, you therefore had to get into the lesson as early as possible to ensure that you secured a normal chair.
The seriousness with which this was treated was such that even the entrance of a teacher wasn't enough to put a stop to the titanic struggle between two boys having a tug-of-war over the last remaining safe seat at the start of a lesson.
I still check the back of every seat I sit in.
approved May 4 2005, submitted Jan 14 2005 by Simon Choppin
There was hardly a single chair at my school that didn't have a penis drawn on the front of the seat. You would often find that you had suddenly acquired a new marker pen cock, which was poking out from between your legs in a suggestive manner.
The practice became so widespread that the headmaster had to address the issue at assembly. He prefaced his announcement with, 'This is not in any way a laughing matter,' before continuing, 'It has come to my attention that male genitalia have been drawn...'
Despite the headmaster's protestation that the word 'genitalia' was 'not funny', the speech was swiftly abandoned.
approved May 19 2005, submitted May 9 2005 by David Peter
The act of rubbing your cheeks at someone, then gobbing in their face. For added authenticity, immediately fart on their leg then fall asleep. Tch! Men!
approved Oct 2 2003, submitted Oct 2 2003 by Jon Blyth
There was a boy at my school called Dickon Hares. I don't know what else to say about him, other than it really was his name, and it did sound exactly as you imagined it would when read out in the register.
approved Sep 7 2003, submitted Sep 6 2003 by Alexander Po
I saw him and his brother on Knightmare, the old kids show, and according to an interview of one of the cast of the show, they won it, cos he remembers when Dickon found a trumpet, he shouted "Dickon's got the horn".

Hello, your friendly editors here. Oooh, we agonised over this one. Truth? Kate Thornton-esque apocryphal nostalgia a la Seaman Staines and Master Bates? If you know any more about this, PLEASE write in. -The editors.
approved Oct 31 2003, submitted Oct 22 2003 by Andrew Watson
It might very well be true:
And I quote, "Dungeoneer Dickon from Team 6 unlocks Motley from the stocks, then an Ogre appears."
You can even listen to it here:

Thanks Nick! And thanks Dickon!
approved Nov 1 2003, submitted Oct 31 2003 by Nick Hunt
Well, it's only partly true. Dickon got the crown, not the horn.
approved Nov 4 2003, submitted Nov 3 2003 by anonymous user
approved Sep 27 2012, submitted Sep 15 2012 by Alexander Po
The only insult you can say that automatically makes you more of one than the person you say it to.
approved Nov 24 2002, submitted Nov 24 2002 by SmallPaul
Apart, perhaps, from eggy dribble, sly old fox, and emery dermis.
approved Nov 24 2002, submitted Nov 24 2002 by Jon Blyth
Also a really bad name for a LOGO computer program. When you've been allowed to work on the school's only computer (a BBC). Which, through your incompetence, contains an infinite loop. That causes the computer to stop responding to any of the buttons. So the teacher, noticing your concern gets the headmaster to help. He knows the key combination to stop the program. And when you stop a program running in LOGO, it always tells you the name of what it was doing when it was stopped.

(We would feel more sorry for you, Rich, but for the fact you used the word "dicksplash", you massive dicksplash.)
approved Sep 19 2003, submitted Apr 3 2003 by Richard Tysoe
Our fifth-year english class was in a Portable. Portables, for anyone lucky enough to not have them at their schools, are blocky, movable one-room buildings with office-style polystyrene-tiled celings.
The first time we were alone and unsupervised, I discovered that if you stood on your desk, you could reach the celing and push it up to reveal around a foot of empty space.
My eyes flicked from the foot of storage space, to the huge stacks of red dictionaries in the corner.
So, over the course of the year, the dictionaries slowly migrated from the pile to the rafters. Our teacher, sure of theft, started staging random bag checks, at which we huffed vaguely about human rights. And still the once-proud pile of red dictionaries dwindled.
She ordered another hundred dictionaries.
We put them in the rafters.
To celebrate the end of the year, we snuck out of the year-end assembly, climbed into the portable, stacked some desks and made a pyramid out of the 200 or so dictionaries. It was Itchycoo Park-level beautiful.
approved Oct 13 2004, submitted Nov 25 2003 by bucket mouse