The Law of the Playground
the letter d
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A question I was asked almost daily (with different films) by a kid in primary school.
"Did you see 'Indiana Jones' last night?"
"No? What channel was it on?"
"Oh, I watched it on video."
This wasn't at attempt to be funny, to his unadvanced mind - the same mind that had him violently playing the willy guitar to a small crowd of nonplussed friends - it was simply an attempt at conversation.
approved Jan 19 2004, submitted Dec 23 2003 by Uncle Mudge
Bright sunlight. Teacher's eyes. Reflections from the watch glass. Interrogation simulation. Yum yum.
approved Apr 24 2003, submitted Apr 16 2003 by anonymous user
Until you do it with a mirror to the umpire of a cricket match from one of the upstairs classrooms and the whole class gets detention.
approved Jul 23 2003, submitted Jul 16 2003 by Julian Burnell
This requires some effort, but if a number of you can convince your parents that you need a pocket mirror for a class project (on the speed of light, or the science of reflections, or something like that), then you can faithfully reproduce the searchlights from a concentration camp.
If the lights land on anyone, in particular someone haplessly entering your class, you can then divide into two groups - one howling like an alarm, the other barking like guard dogs.
This will make the person entering the room feel as awkward as it is possible for humans to feel.
approved Sep 29 2004, submitted Apr 13 2004 by Rupert Breheny
An obscure term for 'smelly cock', derived via the popular 'cheesy bellender'.
approved Jan 31 2003, submitted Jan 29 2003 by Bobs Meryll
'Ding dong ding dong, your nose is that long.' Sung to the tune of Big Ben striking.
Weak insult, even by five year-old standards, but we laughed at the time.
approved Apr 24 2003, submitted Apr 3 2003 by Julian Burnell
A prat, wally, dingbat, prick or twat. A cunt. A short-lived insult that died out once we learned how to swear properly.
approved Mar 31 2003, submitted Mar 20 2003 by Matt Fasham
The following graffiti appeared on the outside wall of my house: Peter Pointer is a dinlow. Yes he has.
This proved nothing beyond the fact that the anonymous author was something of a dinlow.
approved Nov 15 2005, submitted Jul 14 2005 by Jimathon Engleheart
After successfully getting someone to turn around when you say "Look over there - it's Bobby Davro!" compound their shame by taunting them with the following rhyme:
Made you look,
Dirty duck,
You stuck your head in cow muck

You see? They stuck their head in cow muck. Because they turned around.
Also consider "Made you look, made you stare, made you lose your underwear."
approved Jul 22 2003, submitted Jul 18 2003 by Nick Hunt
I made you look, I made you stare,
I made you cut the barber's hair,
The barber's hair was full of dicks,
I made you eat them all but six.
The six dicks (dickies, or lice - not willies) could then stage a kind of post-apocolypse Friends.
approved Oct 1 2004, submitted Jan 18 2004 by Craig Hudson
During that nostalgic period of mid-secondary-school when primary school-level humour suddenly becomes acceptable again, it's not uncommon to remember the golden rule of primary school, which is that it's OK to get your uniforms dirty on Friday because they can be washed over the weekend. Cue twenty blazer-clad grammar school students doing what amounted, really, to not much more than rolling about in mud.
approved Sep 11 2003, submitted Sep 6 2003 by Alexander Po
After an unsatisfying meal in the school canteen, we voiced our concerns by writing "FUCK YOU SLAGS" in tomato sauce on the trays before putting them on the conveyor belt to the kitchen.
Tomato sauce was subsequently removed from the dining hall. In my opinion still the most versatile table sauce.
approved Sep 30 2004, submitted Mar 21 2004 by Attic Room
Handfuls of soil and brown woodchips. Dirty rain was gathered from the shrubbery that bordered the playground before being distributed over a classmate's head with a jubilant cry of "Dirty rain!".

Then you got punched in the face.
approved Dec 14 2002, submitted Dec 14 2002 by Paul Equinox Collins
Fraser Bairstow's arm ended just above his wrist. If you passed a piano, it was therefore an option to thump the keys with the back of your wrist, declaring that you are "Bairstow playing the piano".
approved Jan 23 2012, submitted Jan 9 2012 by Barber Smith
A popular joke at our school went along the lines of:
Q: How did Mr Ashley win the disco competition?
A: He crossed the floor to get some crisps.
He also had polio and consequently two walking sticks. Hence the name.
approved Mar 20 2003, submitted Feb 12 2003 by Radimus prime
Participants would go to bed as soon as they got home from school and get up as early as possible in order to watch as many Disney movies as possible before school. Claims of 5+ movies were common, and would have required getting up at around 1am. The perfect, sleepless score of 10 (Around 15 hours of pure Disneytainment) was never verified.
I mean, fucking Disney movies? Where's the kudos? WHERE?
approved Mar 5 2004, submitted Feb 9 2004 by bucket mouse
I remember a rumour flying around the playground that there was an image of a topless woman in feature length rat tale 'The Rescuers'. Several of the more popular kids who could get away with blatantly lying to the masses claimed to have seen it. I personally cannot find it, does anyone out there know anything about this?
The rumours of nude flashframes also abounded in E.T., and the video for Frankie Goes To Hollywood's Relax. I think this is a common urban myth, and not serving as a cautionary tale (as most do, someone has sex then a lobster hatches in their anus), was probably put about by Disney themselves. Incidentally, I was told that Frankie's Relax was banned from radio play because just after he said "When you want to come...", he cheekily added, in a barely audible whisper, "let's have sex". Not understanding the concept of holding back from ejaculation - in fact, practising the exact opposite as often as possible - this seemed much more shocking to me. Frankie was, in fact, whispering an invitation for everyone to join him in a big sex; that's why it mustn't be played over the radio. I'm rambling. Log.
approved Feb 18 2004, submitted Dec 18 2003 by pepe le pew
approved Feb 22 2004, submitted Feb 18 2004 by Name Withheld, Neil Aspinall, Name Withheld, Name Withheld, Jasmine Strong
Similar to 'pissing up the wall' - contestants would start off their stream at the trough mouth and gradually keep shuffling backwards, trying to keep the piss going troughward. Great distances could be reached and the contestants would try to get back to the trough before running out of pressure. Clearly the floor was the first casualty in this sport.
approved Apr 24 2003, submitted Apr 10 2003 by will lewis
Some kid in the year below pissed right up himself, all over his jumper and in his own face, trying to beat me! He pissed in his own face!
I was the best in our first school at this, cos I'm well tall. I heard once that I'd managed to get a little bit of piss on the ceiling one time, but I think someone got a little over excited (as you would) and made that bit up.
approved Oct 2 2003, submitted Oct 1 2003 by Davy .
It's very possible to hit the ceiling. I saw someone do it once and thought it so incredible that I tried to emulate the technique myself. However, from where I was standing, it looked like he had held his foreskin shut, before letting a thin jet of extra high pressure piss shoot to the ceiling. I tried this, and it ended up filling up rather too rapidly for control, then I released my fingers a little too much and the whole 'balloon' of piss emptied over my shoes.
The point I was missing? You grip the actual end of the cock itself, pinching the piss hole half shut so that it's really small. Then start the flow, and you'll have a fantastically long-reaching stream. Great for standing at one urinal and pissing sideways into one that's about two or three down.
approved Oct 3 2003, submitted Oct 2 2003 by anonymous user
We had outside toilets with no roof at my primary school. John Climie was to be able to piss over the wall (must've been 9 feet high), with a whip like flick of the hips. We'd come out and see kids looking skywards, holding their palms upwards, checking for rain.
approved Oct 17 2003, submitted Oct 16 2003 by anonymous user
div
Etymologically obscure. Div status is easily conferred by a stupid act, but does not attach to individuals, unless they act divvy really often. Even then, it isn't particularly harsh. Appropriate overlap with Co-Op Dividend Cards; especially because everyone who shops in Co-Op is divvy.
approved Nov 24 2002, submitted Nov 24 2002 by Paul
You can imagine my disbelief when it was revealed to me at high school that classes were now referred to as 'divs' (apparently short for 'divisions'), and the confusion in my playground-savvy brain as successful dodging of questions such as, "which div are you?" only led to the discovery that it was, in fact, a legitimate enquiry. It was a trying time.
approved Dec 23 2002, submitted Dec 20 2002 by Name Withheld
The children of divorced parents generally react well to the implication that they caused the divorce because they were an unwanted child, and that neither parent wanted custody.
approved Nov 24 2002, submitted Nov 24 2002 by Matt King
In year 8 CDT we had to design, make and 'market' a product of our choice. My group came up with the DIY Surgery Series.
The DIY Vasectomy Kit consisted of a razor blade to perform the operation with, a sewing kit to patch yourself up with (different colour threads available for the man about town), a can of premium strength lager as your anaesthetic, and an instruction manual.
The artwork was fairly good considering none of us could draw anything but knobs, which we were banned from drawing despite our pleas that it was vital to the project.
The kit proved to be quite popular, although the teacher confiscated the can of Stella so that we "wouldn't get caught with it." We later went on to design more DIY surgery kits for our own amusement and I actually gave the DIY Vasectomy kit to a friend at Christmas once.
approved Oct 28 2006, submitted Aug 29 2006 by Scott Leitch
In 6th form I bought a toy panda from the Nick Park 'Creature Comforts' animal range, made a 'Y' incision, took out the stuffing, made cuddly guts stuffed with the self-same fibres recently taken from its innards, and added a zip. This was then presented to my friend Beth at Christmas as the 'Psycho Panda Home Surgery Kit' (complete with illustrated instruction booklet), so named because of the mad staring glazed eyes it retained throughout the procedure.

Our brutality to soft toys did not end there. That same year we drew a huge pentagram on the common room table with tipp-ex and staked down a teddybear. We also sacrificed numerous hockey socks to our dark lord Marilyn Manson, though to be honest why he would want half a poorly knitted grubby item of girls sporting footwear is beyond me.
approved Nov 12 2006, submitted Oct 29 2006 by Het Phillips
Classic Catch-22 for those who have got past their revulsion of the opposite sex. More vicious male asks male he wishes to kick the shit out of: "Do you fancy my bird?" Answer yes : "Well she's my fucking bird" - you get a pummeling. Answer no: "What, you think she's ugly?" - you get a pummeling. Answer well obviously yes, but she's your bird, and I respect that - "Are you being clever?" - you get a pummelling.
approved Nov 24 2002, submitted Nov 24 2002 by The Wild, Jon Blyth
To perform this trick, go up to someone with your hand over your mouth while making the quotes sign with your other hand and ask someone (preferrably a teacher or dinner lady) "Do you like Sam Fox?". Utterly mystifying. What was going on? It was the bigger boys doing it but what the hell were they doing? (a.m.) Answers please, to the usual address.
approved Nov 24 2002, submitted Nov 24 2002 by Jon Blyth
A question asked to any youth navely unaware of the manifold ways in which sophisms could be employed in English to imply that he shags grannies.
A : "Do you like to shag old grannies?"
B : "No"
A : "Well, why do you do it then?"
The correct answer is "I don't shag old grannies". A useful exercise for Year 9 pupils.
approved Jul 15 2005, submitted Jul 10 2005 by Howard Kelly