The Law of the Playground
the letter d
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When someone farts silent or loud, the giver must yell 'SAFETY' at the end of the exertion. But if anyone else calls out 'DOORKNOB' before the giver yells 'SAFETY'...then all hell is loose! Anyone and everyone is allowed to pummel the giver till he can reach a legit doorknob and make contact with it.
Also, if the giver belches or burps, the giver must yell 'SAFETY'! if anyone calls 'WINDOW' before the giver say 'SAFETY' then all hell is loose again. Same rules apply as with farting.
approved Oct 3 2003, submitted Oct 3 2003 by P T
A despicable breed who share interests and sympathy with the geeks, but have somehow managed to end up with a popular set of friends. These double agents may even go to their geek friends' houses at the weekend to paint little lead goblins, but within school hours they are inexplicably distant, their one concession to the sham of a friendship being the fact that they only laugh half-heartedly at the routine deconstruction of the geek's psyche.
approved Nov 24 2002, submitted Nov 24 2002 by Jon Blyth
That was me. Going round to the geek HQ at 6am with "the cool gang", in order to noisily disrupt their charity 48 hour Dungeons & Dragons marathon (naturally, they were asleep). And then turning up in the afternoon to do my stint as Dungeon Master.
God knows how I got away with it.
approved Oct 22 2003, submitted Oct 22 2003 by sane man
A 48 hour D&D marathon would not have even charted on the radar of a real "cool gang", and they certainly wouldn't have bothered to get out of bed early to go and disturb it. They'd be too busy sleeping off hangovers or receiving blow jobs from their flesh and blood girlfriends.
Unless, of course, your "cool gang" consisted of a bunch of Robert Smith wannabes who took pleasure in mocking all who did not share their pretentious nihilism. In which case we - I mean you - were most assuredly not cool in the eyes of everyone else.
approved Oct 22 2003, submitted Oct 22 2003 by Phil Glansvile
I must object to the way you (Log?) edited my submission to read as if I was a member of a "cool" gang of Robert Smith wannabes. I couldn't even make it as a member of that gang; in reality I was unceremoniously dumped by my friends when they "discovered" the Cure, and went back to the charity D&D marathon, notching up an impressive 36 hours before falling victim to Sleep +1. To add insult to injury, I was later ostracised by even the D&D crowd when they discovered the wonders of smoking pot. It's only a matter of time until you pair realise just how tragically sad I really am.
approved Oct 23 2003, submitted Oct 22 2003 by Phil Glansvile
Don't be silly Phil! We know exactly how tragically sad you are.

Oh dear, a brassy, Two Ronnies style "Waaaah-waaaaahhhh" sound is filling the website.
approved Oct 27 2003, submitted Oct 23 2003 by Susan Tobacco
Reserved for those boys small and stupid enough to sit on the shoulders of people playing bulldog, hence double bulldog. Small stupid boys would land on their faces with a chin-full of gravel, known as a chinny bulldog.
approved Feb 6 2004, submitted Feb 6 2004 by rachel radstrom
During a youthful LSD session, we invented Douglas Bader Football, which - you guessed it - involved running around after a ball in a stiff-legged manner. The humour was lost on me until after I'd come down. At the time I was paranoid as fuck and wondered what everyone was going on about, and why I didn't understand, and whether anyone would notice. Me and a mate ended up playing Douglas Bader Football on a busy summer's day in the park recently, pissed, for old time's sake. A middle-aged woman overheard us and couldn't control herself laughing.
approved Nov 24 2002, submitted Nov 24 2002 by Ben Austwick
These were the children who had the terrible euphemism "special" inflicted upon them more than any other. Technically, they weren't missing anything - in fact, they had one more chromosome than everyone else. It's not fair. They get all the chromosomes and then they get to hog the drama workshops too. Jammy bastards.
approved Nov 24 2002, submitted Nov 24 2002 by Jon Blyth, Dan Wakely
Alex Pennington and Andy Cruse were sat next to each other on the bus on a French trip. Alex was ripping the piss out of Andy for being a virgin (cos yeah, HE'D done it loads). Andy, being something of a nutter, replied by plunging a penknife into Alex's thigh, puncturing an artery. An arc of blood shot out and was making a right mess of the upholstery so, calmly, Andy got up, walked to the front of the bus, tapped a dozing Mr Kavanagh on the shoulder and said the now legendary phrase: "Excuse me sir, but I appear to have stabbed Pennington."

approved Oct 6 2003, submitted Oct 4 2003 by Andy Mansh
A home computer of the Spectrum generation, but made in Wales. The company that made them went bust quickly. Result: no good games, and a social problem akin to . But at least the Dragon had a proper keyboard.
approved Nov 24 2002, submitted Nov 24 2002 by Matt Fasham
"With a partner, come up with a short scene of a bully and a victim before showing it to the class," said Mrs Young.
Following several rehearsals, Dave and I stood up to present our five-minute piece:
Me: Oi you, give me your lunch money.
At which point he punched me full in the face, thus ending the play.
Unbelievably, I then got a bollocking for 'provoking' Dave - Mrs Young clearly oblivious to the fact that a) it was a piece of theatre, and b) it was Dave who veered wildly and violently from the script.
approved Apr 3 2006, submitted Dec 21 2005 by Gareth Winslade
Very short-lived craze of tickling the underside of your schoolmate's chins whilst exclaiming "dring! dring!"
Considering how gay this was, I'm amazed I didn't get rightfully beaten up.
approved Sep 17 2003, submitted Sep 8 2003 by Nath Dogg
Was the prospect of launching some thirsty Joey's dool into your mouth not enough to deter you from using the public drinking fountains, then the stubborn rumours that Paul Murray had shit in them the day before certainly would.
(Always the day before, too. Never "earlier today". This means that Paul Murray must have stayed behind after school to shit in the drinking fountain every single day.)
approved Dec 16 2004, submitted Nov 21 2004 by ryan joyce
Unfortunate sounding contraction of Andrew Peacock. Also see his older brothers Chris and James. The last one never really worked.
approved Jul 23 2006, submitted Jul 13 2006 by anonymous user
A game where you have to hook a chair into the air, using only your foot and shin, then dive underneath it before it hits the ground.
Surprisingly hard. Surprisingly painful. Predictably popular.
approved Oct 21 2004, submitted Oct 13 2004 by Charlie Webb
In primary school, reasoning that drug dealing was the ultimate in cool, yet lacking the knowledge of what a drug dealer actually did, I decided to collect cigarette butts, peel away the paper, and store the filter tips in a certain drainpipe in the playground.

This became a surprisingly successful craze at my school, lasting for a good few weeks before a teacher was told about our glamourous and highly illegal exploits and broke up the cartel.
approved Nov 27 2004, submitted Nov 19 2004 by jon james
A boarding school poo and booze story. What more could one want?

Colin, the school loser, thought he'd celebrate a boarding school weekend by holding a party for himself in his study with a bottle of spirits. He partied hard that night, did Colin.

Harry found him. It was the horrendous niff in the toilet block that aroused our initial suspicions. Upon closer inspection, a flaccid, pale leg was seen poking out from the bottom of one of the cubicles.

The door was pushed open to find a half-naked unconscious Colin and an oozing mixture of piss, shit and vomit gradually fanning out across the floor. Well, theres only one thing to do in such circumstances. We got a camera and took a whole roll of film.

Somehow, Colin got wind of the forthcoming poster production, and he tore Harry's dorm to pieces, destroying every roll of film he could find including the incriminating one. However, instead of hushing up the event, this act of desperation just added to the legend. Before long, everybody knew about it, and Colins status as school loser was set in imperishable crystal for future generations to admire.
approved Jan 26 2006, submitted Jan 25 2006 by Barry Bullet
By contrast, my poorly funded state school experience of a similar incident occurred on a trip to France. It wasn't the hum of cack and puke that attracted us to Stephen Bell's unconscous, drunken body. It was the smell of Johnny Buchannon setting fire to his hair.
Poor kids eh? we should feel sorry for them, really.
approved Jan 28 2006, submitted Jan 26 2006 by Tony Green
Wayne was entirely sober on our school trip to France, being only 10 years old. However, that didn't stop him from laying an enormous log in the bidet, which was removed the next day by an enraged Mr Strudwick.
approved Jan 28 2006, submitted Jan 27 2006 by Sweden Sour
During our school exchange visit to France, a day trip was organised to a seaside town. Five of us snuck off and bought loads of cheap froggy beer and wine and set about quaffing it.
Being a cunt, Jonathan Evenett got drunk and tried to snog a (male) French lifeguard on the beach.
"But they all do it in France!" was his feeble defence.
As if that wasn't sad enough, Jonathan then tried to snog one of the ships officers on the way home, resulting in our entire school being banned from P&O ferries.
He'd only had half a shandy.
approved Feb 8 2006, submitted Feb 1 2006 by Dan Smith
We were 14 and on a school trip in Italy. What else is there to do during the evening in a hotel other than sit on a balcony and get wasted on a bottle of Southern Comfort? We thought that as there were ten of us, we wouldn't get that pissed.

Just after we'd finished the bottle, another pupil rushed in to report that checks were being carried out by the teachers, including the dreaded smelling of the breath test. Cue a mad rush to the bathroom to fill our mouths with toothpaste. Apart from Baldeep, that is, who ate a load of Clearasil instead. He laughed about it at first, but retired to bed and spent the next 8 hours lying in a seething swamp of his own shit, puke and piss.
The look on Mr Brough's face when he discovered why Baldeep refused to leave his room the next day will stay with me forever. That and the chorus of "What's that smell?" when Baldeep was finally forced onto the coach.
He should have stuck to Biactol.
approved Apr 5 2006, submitted Apr 4 2006 by Stefan Morsley
Thing you were supposed to get when you had shamed yourself in some way. As in "Get your dubbins" or the sing-song version "get your dubbins, fresh from the Daily Ma-il!"
A West Country version of "gutted". West Country viewers, if you know what a dubbin is and why you get them from the Daily Mail, write in.
approved Mar 9 2003, submitted Feb 5 2003 by Susan Tobacco
Also "Bunnage" - as in "Ahhhh, feel the bunnage."

Can be accompanied with a shaking finger to increase the shame.
approved Apr 18 2003, submitted Apr 1 2003 by Dave Tibbs
Actually, a dubbins is an old term for a wank used by prozzies in days gone by. As in, "It's a shilling for a dubbins, half a crown for a suck and a sovereign for all the way."

approved Dec 12 2003, submitted Nov 28 2003 by anonymous user
A fantastic game played at Ashfield High School in New South Wales (Australia).
Get everyone's pencil sharpeners, and remove the blades. You may need a screwdriver.
Then, turn the ceiling fans up to full, and when the time seems right, yell "duck or get stabbed", and throw the blades into the fan.
Children and teacher alike would then dive under their desks to avoid receiving a chaotic facial slash.
This being Australia, the teacher probably didn't cry and leave the teaching profession forever. She probably said "heh, nice one, blue" before hopping onto a jetski and doing a double-dunny in Gedunga Bay, or something like that.
approved Nov 19 2004, submitted Nov 17 2004 by Pogglesnatch
A potentially brain damaging game played - in general - with the class Warhammer fan.

It involves shouting duck!, and then hitting the victim around the head with a hard object.
After some time, the subject may get wise to the game, and take steps to defend himself. At this point, simply shout duck! after hitting him with the hard object.
approved Apr 29 2003, submitted Jan 29 2003 by anonymous user
Exclamation of incredulity. "Tommy Cooper's dead!" - "FUCK a DUCK!" A bowdlerized version spawned the fairground "Hook A Duck" stalls, in which you win a goldfish with athlete's foot coming out of its arse.
approved Nov 24 2002, submitted Nov 24 2002 by Peter Gasston, Jon Blyth
A Nottingham extension. Also, if William Shatner's famous cop had come from Nottingham, he would have introduced himself by saying "I'm TJ Hooker, duck", which relates a little to the previous entry.
approved Nov 24 2002, submitted Nov 24 2002 by Jon Blyth
Constructed, like coats made from animal skins, by the zipping together of five or so duffel coats. Then, climb inside and giggle until bored. Ski coats, which had detachable arms (in case you became trapped under a tree whilst skiing, and needed to sacrifice a limb), could be made into a ski ensemble, by unzipping the arms, zipping the arms to each other and wearing them as trousers. Then you could walk around like the Lord of the Manor, even if you did walk like duck wearing a nappy full of shit.
approved Nov 24 2002, submitted Nov 24 2002 by Jon Blyth, Richard Sharpe