The Law of the Playground
the letter d
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The lowest level of the DoE award is notoriously hard to fail. But if the teacher running it drowns in front of his own children, you do kind of lose heart.
approved Oct 26 2004, submitted Oct 14 2004 by Jimbo B.
Due to my love of the cartoon of the same name, mu mum and dad got me a dungeons and dragons set for christmas one year.
On reading the instructions I quickly realised it was quite complex and not as light-hearted as the cartoon had appeared so I got an expert (my mate who's older brother was a d&d keener) to help me set it up.
Me and my other mate sat for what seemed an eternity but was probably just over an hour, rolling dices while the 'expert' wrote down the values next to our powers categories.
On rolling the final dice, the 'expert' looked at our 2 figures stood on the board, deftly flicked them over and announced 'you're dead, you're dead'.
No explanation. No Nothing. We packed the game away and went out to play footie.
approved Jul 22 2006, submitted Jul 17 2006 by Name Withheld
Condom, Durex, Rubber Johnny. As 10 year olds we used sticks to hook used 'dunkies' out of streams and recycle them as biological weapons in playground fights.
approved Feb 22 2003, submitted Feb 21 2003 by Dinner Dance
The white ones with the green bits. A sure sign of poverty.
approved Nov 24 2002, submitted Nov 24 2002 by Craig Scarratt
"Green Flash" trainers were re-released in 2001, with stands of them in fashionable places like Schuh, and Raw. I haven't seen one pair being worn during or since this feeble attempt at a comeback. Even the lure of retro couldn't shake off the fact that they were still pretty affordable.
approved Nov 24 2002, submitted Nov 24 2002 by Jon Blyth
Grey Flash trainers were for those whose parents considered the Green Flash to be an unnecessary extravagence in a world of tennis shoes gone mad. So unpopular they went full circle into having an unheard-of sense of specialness about them. Cheaper, crapper, greyer.
approved Mar 9 2003, submitted Jan 17 2003 by Uncle Gus
Amber Flash was the bargain basement of the range. The only plausible reason for their existence was to make Green Flash a more attractive prospect. The flash wasn't even amber, more of a light diarrhoea yellow/brown. Which needs no further comment.
approved Mar 29 2003, submitted Mar 28 2003 by Mr Hobbs
Sung to the tune of the 'Country Life Butter' advert, it went something like this:
Oh, we are the lads from the durex club,
and you'll never get a better bit of rubber on your knob,
it sticks to your dick like evo-stick,
and you can't get it off in the morning...
Imagine my horror when I learned that leaving condom removal to the next day was generally considered to be socially unacceptable. Also,
I'm Popeye the sailor man,
I live in a caravan,
I go to my granny,
And tickle her fanny,
I'm Popeye the sailor man.
Being from Burnley, I can believe it of many of the people who sang it.
approved Oct 9 2003, submitted Nov 24 2002 by Paddy
To the tune of Uptown Girl;
Uptown Wally,
He's been living in a Tesco Trolley,
He's been going out with Action man,
They've been screwing in the A-Team van...
Uptown Wally's friend, Uptown Slag, had it slightly less cushy, and lived in a paper bag.
approved Oct 9 2003, submitted Nov 24 2002 by Ian Edgar
He's Popeye the sailor man
He lives in a caravan
With a crack in the middle
Where he does a piddle
He's Popeye the sailor man
There was also a crack in the roof where he did a poo.
approved Dec 23 2002, submitted Dec 17 2002 by Ivan Vasiilevich
An alternative version of the Popeye song still has him living in a caravan, but adds a healthy dose of generational incest for good measure:

I'm Popeye the Sailor Man
I live in a caravan
I live with my granny
And play with her fanny
I'm Popeye the Sailor Man
approved Dec 27 2002, submitted Dec 23 2002 by Unta Falozzi
A timeless replacement for the Coco Pops tune:

My name's Coco and I live in a tree,
I used to sell condoms for 25p,
Some for five and some for ten,
But I'd rather have one i could use again

Or the slightly more risqué:

My name's Coco and I live in a tree,
I used to sell drugs for 25p,
I kept my drugs in a little red box,
But I'd rather have it off with Samantha Fox

Of course, the more risqué version isn't quite so 'timeless', as only a geriatric old Stringfellow would want to shag Sam Fox these days. Probably.
approved Dec 27 2002, submitted Dec 23 2002 by Name Withheld
Another of the Popeye variations (did Elgar write these as well)
I'm Popeye the sailor man
I live in a caravan
I love to go swimmin'
With bare-naked wimmin'
I'm Popeye the sailor man.
Related to me by my errant father. It was very risque at the time. So much so in fact, that I distinctly remember my mum giving me a clip roud the ear for reciting it.
approved Jan 18 2003, submitted Dec 28 2002 by Michael Fordyce
yet another variation

My name's Coco and Im a junkie like you,
I take lots of speed and heroin too
I love cocaine and ecstacy
But I'd rather have a bowl of LSD
approved Jan 23 2003, submitted Jan 2 2003 by iam decal
I'm Popeye the sailor man,
I live in a frying pan.
I turn up the gas and I burn up my ass,
I'm Popeye the sailor man.
approved Apr 29 2003, submitted Jan 18 2003 by anonymous user
a slightly surreal coco pops variation:

My name's Monkey,
I'm a coco like you,
I live in the jungle,
dressed like a shrew,
I swing from the shops
cause there aren't any trees,
but I'd rather have a bowl of cornflakes please.
The only reason i remember this at all is because the headmaster was so proud of the kid who thought it up he asked him to sing it in class.
approved Apr 25 2003, submitted Mar 1 2003 by dan upright
My name's Coco, I'm a monkey like you,
I live on drugs and a little bit of glue,
I have a condom in a little red box,
But I'd rather use it on Samantha Fox (oh yeah!)
approved Apr 29 2003, submitted Apr 12 2003 by Rob McMeekin
He may have been the most powerful man in the universe, but even He Man was the target of abuse, with this, our version of the cartoon theme tune:

"I have the power to pick up a flower
for half an hour or more"

Sometimes he'd pee on the flower, rather than pick it up. I guess it depended on what kind of day he'd had, fighting Skeletor and that.
approved Oct 3 2003, submitted Sep 24 2003 by Nick Hunt
Come off it, that doesn't even fit the he-man music - it was actually "i have the power, to pick up a flower, it'll take me an hour or two".
(Dan, even that doesn't REALLY fit the He-Man tune. The version I used to sing was He has the power, to pick up a flower, in only an hour, or two... So there. Ner. - Log)
approved Oct 9 2003, submitted Oct 4 2003 by dan upright
no No NO! it's;
I've got the power, to fart on a flower, but after an hour, it hurts.
Well, it would.
approved Oct 9 2003, submitted Oct 9 2003 by Richard Swan
I don't really want to add anything to this over-elongated list, but I do want you all to know just how much I hate how wrong you all are.
approved Oct 21 2003, submitted Oct 9 2003 by Davy .
He's Popeye the sailor man
He lives in a pot of jam
The jam was so sticky
It stuck to his dicky
He's popeye the sailor man

For some reason, I saw fit to relate this particular version to my mum who, in turn, thought it would be a good idea if I sang it to my great granny down the phone. I was a bit unsure about this but she seemed to like it so that's OK. She's dead now.
approved Dec 29 2003, submitted Nov 20 2003 by Will Hayward
To the tune of Free, by Ultra Nate

My momma's got no money,
My daddy's on the dole,
They sent me off to Netto,
to nick a sausage roll.

I'm running home, with my Netto sausage roll,
I'm running home, with my Netto sausage roll.
Freed from starvation, with my Netto sausage roll.

The reason we found this funny was a combination of factors; first, the idiocy of stealing from the cheapest shop. Secondly, the lack of ambition in the theft; a single sausage roll, held aloft like the Olypmic Torch on the long run home. Thirdly, because we were from Barnsley, where people still throw rocks at the moon.
approved Aug 20 2007, submitted Jun 2 2005 by George Harrison
Patting a friend (or victim who desperately wants you to like him/her) on the back with a concealed board rubber. The resulting chalk stripe is nigh on irremovable. The dust cloud evokes memories of Saving Private Ryan.
approved Nov 24 2002, submitted Nov 24 2002 by Conrad Giles
Making sure the board rubber was fully loaded, run up to someone, and start battering the baord rubber with your hand, or batter still, a second, fully loaded, board rubber, producing a cloud of chalk dust which would envelop the unfortunate victim. Skill (the kind in the English non medical dictionary) was required not to suffer blowback.
If blowback does occur, however, take advantage of the situation and have a cartoon fight, in which spectators will only see the occasional arm or leg coming out of the dust cloud as you shout "Ooyah!" and "Take that!"
approved Sep 5 2003, submitted Aug 7 2003 by anonymous user
The development of coloured chalks and all-over dusting never really caught on, for two reasons; coloured chalks were considered unnecessarily fancy, and it is much more difficult to incorporate the firm and friendly patting of a mate's arse into a nonchalant gesture. Advanced dusters were generally derided and beaten as hopeless queermos by their traditionalist brothers.
approved Nov 24 2002, submitted Nov 24 2002 by Conrad Giles, Jon Blyth
Stack the entire classes chairs around the captain of the dying spaceship, then kick them over so that the captain is lost in a tangle of awkward metal and plastic. Just like in a real dying spaceship scenario, the captain can be hurt very badly.
approved Nov 24 2002, submitted Nov 24 2002 by Jon , Jon Blyth