The Law of the Playground
the letter e
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During a GCSE Science lesson we devised a test of endurance.. First you need around 15-20 paper clips and a 12volt power source (although we did make a 9v portable version, it had a very limited battery life). Next string the paper clips together and attach them like a beard - over your chin with the ends of the chain coming down behind your ears. Now attach the power source - the winner, naturally, is the one who can withstand the agony for longest.
approved Nov 24 2002, submitted Nov 24 2002 by Alex Kimber
The other variation is to get an old 240v to 12v transformer, get a load of friends to hold hands in a line. The two at the ends of the line hold on to one wire each from the 240v side, whilst you attach the other two wires (the 12v side) to a battery. Nothing happens, until you remove one wire from the battery. Hey presto! Everyone leaps a couple of inches off the floor. Depending on the transformer and the battery you use, will determine
a) how high they jump, and
b) how hard you get punched.
If you really balls-up your combination, it is quite possible that some or all of your friends may well die, but what the hell - if you're prepared to electrocute someone, then they're probably not that close to you anyway.
approved Jan 31 2003, submitted Jan 24 2003 by Geoff Underwood
Geography supply teacher Mr Mitchell noticed a switch by the white board. On asking us what the switch was for, we told him that it flipped the board over to reveal a clean writing surface. He then proceeded to flick the switch many times, with no resulting magical board reversal. Exclaiming that it was clearly broken, he remained utterly oblivious to the fact that the lights were constantly going on and off.
approved Nov 13 2005, submitted Sep 21 2005 by anonymous user
When mouthed to someone, the lip-reading recipient will interpret this as "I love you". On their begging your pardon, you could then reply, "I said elephant juice, dummy."

This was briefly popular at our school until Steven Richardson blurted out "I love you!" to Andy Scott, missing the point entirely, but confirming what we already knew.
approved Sep 25 2005, submitted Aug 31 2005 by toastie de-toast
On a similar note, mouthing "vacuum" looks a lot like you're saying "fuck you". Though this probably doesn't count because I just nicked it from an episode of Family Guy.
approved Oct 13 2005, submitted Oct 4 2005 by Nick Kent
The fat bloke out of Brush Strokes, therefore any fat person in any class in any school, from 1986-88. In particular, Andrew Barlow. Andrew delivered swift and heavy justice to people who called him Elmo. He was the tallest boy in the year, and so was in the most commanding position to deliver a painful bundy. The fat bloke was also in Chelmsford 123, with a similarly stupid fat sounding name. This caught on for a brief while, but appalling as Brush Strokes was, it was better than fucking Chelmsford 123.
approved Nov 24 2002, submitted Nov 24 2002 by Jon Blyth
The character of Elmo hilariously opened his own wine bar, creatively named "Elmo Putney's Wine Bar". Thus, any place where more than one fat person congregated became known as Elmo Putney's Wine Bar. Which, to be fair, would be quite a sophisticated place to hang out for a bunch of overweight 12-year-olds. Certainly classier than "the queue for the ice cream van" or "the spot outside the nurses office where you pick up inhalers".
approved Jul 26 2003, submitted Jul 24 2003 by Susan Tobacco
Anyone who kicked Cheesy, stole his bag or merely expressed a different opinion to him in polite conversation instantly became his emeny, and he'd waste no time telling them as much. I suspect he'd have had less emenies if he hadn't insisted on using a bastardisation of the English language generally reserved for children 10-12 years younger.
approved Dec 18 2003, submitted Dec 11 2003 by Leigh L.
A deeply regrettable insult on the part of the inventor. Referring to the eczema of his opponent, and the emery board like complexion of his epidermis, the insult just sort of hung there for a few seconds before the cries of "emery what?" and "say that again, you fucking ponce" let him know that he had lost the argument.
approved Nov 24 2002, submitted Nov 24 2002 by Jon Blyth
In an attempt to make the Encore Tricolore text book more appealing to students, a photo-biography of "Mission:Impossible" star Emmanuelle Bard was included. Despite the misleading name, Emmanuelle Bard had no beard. This matter was swiftly rectified.
approved Feb 11 2005, submitted Dec 21 2004 by The Boy Tucker
It's not Bard, it's Bart, you pig ignorant plume de ma tante. See me.
approved Jun 25 2006, submitted May 30 2006 by anonymous user
The cry i was greeted with every morning on entering the common room. By everyone. Eventually I learned to accept it. They even sang 'Happy Birthday' to me once. It wasn't my birthday.
approved May 1 2003, submitted Mar 31 2003 by Emma Claire
A very similar tradition was upheld with John Sweet. Upon entry to the common room he was welcomed with a cry of 'John Sweet, everybody' and a hearty round of applause.
He also had Happy Birthday sung to him on 364 days of every year.
approved Dec 18 2003, submitted Nov 24 2003 by Will Hayward
We used to wind up a small but violent first year called James Lloyd Wooller using a similar method. We would start in the morning by groaning "Woooooooooooller" when he entered the common room for morning assembly. Even the prefects and some of the younger housemasters would join in. If, or rather when, he responded in anger, he would be met with mock-stern shouts of "James!" or "Lloyd!", which would set him off even more.

This ritual humiliation probably made more of an impression on us than it did on him - Wooller only lasted a year before being expelled, but me and many of my old schoolfriends (now well into our mid-20s) continue to respond to any expression of anger or irritation with "OK, don't go James" or "That's fucking Lloyd". Even my mum still says it.
approved Jul 25 2006, submitted Jul 25 2006 by Oliver H
Let's have the 'Special Studies' class - who don't do much in the way of work anyway - spend a day experiencing what it would be like to be disabled.
An admirable idea irrevocably marred when Tim Ives dropped several valiums and some acid. If you can imagine Fear and Loathing in Las Vegas with the whole cast in wheelchairs, wearing Dreamscape bomber jackets, you're starting to get the picture.
approved Mar 23 2006, submitted Mar 3 2006 by Chris Pilbeam
Leathering of the anus, due to excess buggery.
approved Nov 24 2002, submitted Nov 24 2002 by Calum L
The rudest thing you can say in french without using your imagination. Translated, it means "go fuck yourself", and is the closest that French has to offer to the great British "fuck".
Simply by learning a few more basic words - including dog, mother, suck, tetraplegic, vodka and full anal - you can do much better.
approved Feb 24 2004, submitted Feb 4 2004 by Name Withheld, Jon Blyth
Mr Carnell taught us that the rudest thing you can say in French is "Et ta soeur!"
Translation: "And your sister!" It apparently worked best as a reply to someone insulting you; i.e. "You're a tosser!" "So's your sister!"
I suspect that this is the rudest thing you can say in french. IF YOU'RE FIVE YEARS OLD.

approved Mar 5 2004, submitted Feb 24 2004 by Andy Mansh
Here is a quick lesson in the many different ways you can fuck the sister of a friend, in the style of those hilarious emails which give show you the flexibility of the word "fuck". You know... "what do you mean, a fucking iceberg?" Those. They're funny.
J'encule ta soeur.
"I fuck your sister", or "I am fucking your sister". It should be obvious from the circumstances which one you mean.
J'ai encul ta soeur.
"I fucked your sister." Bog-standard.
Je vais enculer ta soeur.
"I am going to fuck your sister." Best said whilst putting your hat on and leaving the room with a monkey wrench in your hand.
Je dois enculer ta soeur.
"I must fuck your sister." Say this after banging your head in a "that reminds me, I'm so forgetful" sort of way.
J'enculais ta soeur, mais elle a mal au vagin.
I would fuck your sister, but she has a poorly vagina.
You could always do the pluperfect, I suppose, but I really can't be bothered. And according to Altavista, enculer means to fuck in the ass. So that's a nice bonus for everyone concerned.
approved Jun 8 2004, submitted Mar 22 2004 by Jon Blyth
More literally, enculez means bugger rather than fuck. French slang for bottom is 'cul' (think of culottes or cul-de-sac) so enculer is to 'enbum'.
'Vous vous enculez' is apparently vastly more insulting to a French than 'go and bum yourself' sounds to an English.
Why am I writing this? I found all this out in my thirties, not in the playground. Soz.
(That's alright, Doctor Jaysus; your insight into rudimentary French swearing has been valuable, and had "bum" in it. - Log)
approved Apr 15 2004, submitted Apr 12 2004 by Doctor Jayus
Having watched Clive James eyelessly present clips from the crazed Japanese game show "Endurance", we attempted to create our own test of strength, bravery and stamina... by seeing who could sit for the longest on a hot radiator.

In reality this bore less of a resemblance to a madcap slapstick TV show and more a bizarre ritual by an oriental death cult as wave after wave of young boys chose to voluntarily sterilize themselves.
approved Jun 29 2007, submitted Mar 31 2006 by Jesse Ventura
Epididydoo was a cartoon friendly dinosaurus. The most notable thing about Epididydoo the Friendly Dinosaurus was the fact that his name was plainly based on the epididymis. Epididydoo's adventures were entirely unrelated to the spermatic duct system, however. They were shit.
approved Feb 22 2004, submitted Feb 18 2004 by Name Withheld
After a series of sex-ed classes, Jason B. adopted the phrase "epididimus scrotumsac" to replace "exactly", "excuse me" and anything else that began with "eh.....".
He still throws it into the occaisional conversation, despite the fact it's impossible to reverse translate, and makes him sound like a cunt. And he's 38. Cunt.
approved Jun 18 2004, submitted Feb 24 2004 by uncle monty
One of a set of winged male reproductive organs, including the amazing flying testicle, the amazing flying prostate gland and the amazing flying vas deferens, all drawn by me during an engineering drawing lesson. I got an 'A' for biology, and a detention for engineering drawing.
approved Sep 5 2003, submitted Aug 21 2003 by Julian Burnell
Sufferers of epileprosy are struck by violent fits, which cause various body parts to fly off into people's soup.
Reported cases are limited, but it's still funny more than 5 years on.
approved Apr 15 2004, submitted Feb 23 2004 by Tom Wiggins
Abbreviation of epilectic fit. Usage; "Jesus, don't have an eppie - it's just a bit of blood and some visible bone". A common variation is the school bag swinging eppie fit, where no-one gets near and the eppie fitter is probably crying snot.
approved Nov 24 2002, submitted Nov 24 2002 by John Donachie
Previously Undiagnosed Epilepsy - known as "PUE", or "What the fuck is Robert Squire doing?"

First encountered during the part of the Physics curriculum that involved use of strobe lights to study wave motion or something.
approved Oct 23 2003, submitted Oct 17 2003 by Mong Boy
As well as strobe lights and computer games, pencil cases may cause eppie fits. In particular, when thrown with precision at a sufferer's head.
approved Dec 5 2003, submitted Nov 27 2003 by anonymous user
I was the worst of five epileptics in my secondary school.
On the down side, I had the full-blown-fall-down-stop-breathing-shake-and-froth-at-the-mouth 'Grand Mal' seizures.
On the plus side, when St. Barts cracked down on jewellery, I could carry on wearing my MedicAlert bracelet.
BLING!!!
approved Sep 24 2007, submitted Aug 2 2006 by Name Withheld
The process of having to say "gee burt" or "neeyow, ernie" to work out which Sesame Street character was which. Thought process; "Im saying Gee Burt, so I must be Ernie its the cuter orange one who says Gee Burt, so Ernies the banana one. No hang on Burts the banana."
Settled once and for all with the memory jogging alliteration of Bert the Banana, Ernie the Orange.
approved Dec 17 2002, submitted Dec 16 2002 by Jon Blyth
Another noise you can make when somebody does something exceptionally stupid. For instance, after you fox a victim with the classic trick multiplication "What is one times one?", and they answer "two".
approved Nov 24 2002, submitted Nov 24 2002 by Scott Williams
The response of the BBC Model B to any statement that didn't follow its unjustifiably strict rules of BASIC. Made for limited fun, so.
> chris is great and everyone likes him
ERROR
approved Dec 3 2002, submitted Nov 24 2002 by Jon Blyth
The cry from Gavin Byrne's younger brother after 'special needs' Emma dropped her knickers.
approved Dec 12 2003, submitted Nov 19 2003 by Name Withheld