The Law of the Playground
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The Ethiopian famine of the mid 80's gave rise to some particularly horrible jokes. I can't remember them all but a couple stick in my mind: "Did you hear about the nuclear explosion in Ethiopia? - Two million people died trying to eat the mushroom" was one. Another involved pointing at a barcode and asking "what's that?" Most people guessed incorrectly at a barcode, the answer was of course "An Ethiopian family portrait". People even put an Ethiopian slant on mum cussing, ie: "Your mum's fanny is drier than Ethiopia" or just "Your mum's an Ethiopian".
approved Apr 30 2003, submitted Nov 24 2002 by Dominic Sutton
Still in use at the time of posting:

How do you get a hundred Ethiopians into a telephone box? Put a tin of sardines in it.

How do you get a hundred Ethiopians out of a telephone box? Run past with a tin opener.
approved Sep 25 2011, submitted Feb 11 2003 by blee anne
Given here not for their amusement factor, but to remind us all how immense human suffering isn't all that serious, really.

Q: What's the fastest thing on earth?
A: An Ethiopian with a dinner ticket.
Q: What's the second fastest thing on earth?
A: Blue Peter trying to film it.
Q: What would you do if you saw an Ethiopian drowning?
A: Throw him a Polo.
Q: What's the definition of a barcode?
A: An Ethiopian family photograph.
approved Sep 25 2011, submitted Feb 13 2003 by Name Withheld
How do you save an Ethiopian from drowning?
Throw him a Polo.
Ha, and what's more, ha.
approved Apr 29 2003, submitted Feb 18 2003 by Amy Davison
What's the difference between an Ethiopian and a tennis ball?
Five grams.
Although other differences between an Ethiopian and a tennis ball are more immediately obvious - green fur, for one. Except when the Ethiopian has died of starvation and is covered in algae, if indeed algae grows on dead people.
approved Apr 29 2003, submitted Feb 22 2003 by Name Withheld
What is the height of "sadness"?
Putting an Ethiopian in a round room and telling him his dinner is in the corner.
approved Apr 25 2003, submitted Mar 3 2003 by R DL
What do you find up an Ethiopian's arse?
approved Apr 29 2003, submitted Mar 24 2003 by Rik Burke
Q: How do you kill 100 flies with one blow?
A: Punch an Ethiopian.
(6/10, Good twist on the Jack the Giant Killer fable of "seven in one blow")

Q: How did the Grand Canyon Form?
A: An Ethiopian went on holiday dropped a pea down a rabbit hole.
(3/10, if just one Ethiopian went on holiday, there'd hardly be a canyon-forming rush to get the pea, would there? I mean, Americans wouldn't get out of bed for anything smaller than a gigantic pea pie.)

approved Sep 25 2011, submitted Nov 8 2004 by anonymous user
A popular joke in Yorkshire involved the telephone number of some form of Ethiopian food donatory charity, which was 080 028028, or, if said properly by a Yorkshire child, 'Who ate nowt, nowt to eat, nowt to eat'. Kind of.
Tenuous at best.
approved Mar 27 2006, submitted Jan 19 2006 by Captain Crackerjack
Hi my name is Matt Brana-Martin, out of the pop group 'The Slides'. Can I just say that racism is really bad, and that I don't condone any of these jokes.
I expect if Geldof or Bono saw these jokes, they'd be well upset, and so anyone posting them would never get to play Live Aid 3 or anything like that. And that's why I would never submit those sort of 'jokes' to a website such as this. Oh, AND because of the 'racism' thing, obviously.
We've probably got an album, or a single out or something, so please buy that, or come and see us live if we're currently 'on the road' - that's pop music speak for 'doing a tour' - we don't just stand about on a road!
But don't forget about the racism thing, please (or the buying of our stuff).
Matt Brana-Martin
approved Aug 9 2007, submitted Apr 19 2006 by Matt Brana-Martin
Q - What do you find up an Ethiopian's bum?
A - Spoon marks.
approved Sep 25 2011, submitted Apr 27 2006 by anonymous user
Q: What do Ethiopians do at night?
A: Starve.
approved Sep 25 2011, submitted May 22 2006 by Name Withheld
Why do Ethiopians wear bones through their noses?
So nobody steals their dinner!
approved Jul 22 2006, submitted Jul 20 2006 by Carlos Rodriguez
"It's the joke material that nevorr ends." - Bob Geldof

Q: What do you call 2 Ethiopians in a sleeping bag?
A: Twix.

Q: What do you call 2 Ethiopians on a raft?
A: Drifter.

approved Sep 25 2011, submitted Jul 31 2006 by Anonomous User
What's the best thing about getting a blowjob from an Ethiopian?

She'll definitely swallow.
approved Mar 21 2008, submitted Aug 3 2006 by Name Withheld
Mnemonic that would help you remember the notes of the treble clef. You could also go with Every Girls Breasts Deserve Fucking, if you were a proper lad who didn't want to think about gays and fudge.

The gaps between the lines of the stave, going upwards, spelled out face. Fuck A Chinaman's Ear never really took off, because the word FACE doesn't really need a mnemonic.

If you ever needed to learn the notes of the Alto Clef, you were probably a bit too into music to be childish about clefs. Which is a shame, because it looks like a big arse.
approved Nov 24 2002, submitted Nov 24 2002 by Anon
There was a series of Wally games on the Commodore 64. On the back of one of the games, they actually had the gall to record a novelty song called "Everyone's a Wally". Anyone remember the words?
approved Nov 24 2002, submitted Nov 24 2002 by Jon Blyth
Everyone's a wally, A ninny or a nana or a nerd. Everyone's a wally..... Everyone's a wally, that's the word. Don't blame me. I had a lonely childhood. And at least I only remember the chorus. There must be somebody sadder. Let me know.... it would mean so much.
approved Nov 24 2002, submitted Nov 24 2002 by James Ingram
The novelty record was sung by Mike Berry, who played Mr Spooner on "Are You Being Served?". One can only assume that this was not a career high for him.
approved Feb 10 2003, submitted Feb 4 2003 by anonymous user
I recall one verse;
First Wally called in Dick the Prick,
Who turned up with his hod.
And he was up to all the tricks,
The good-for-nothing sod.
So he went to work with superglue,
Instead of using water.
"Here Dick", said Wally,
"Don't you think you oughta use,
The proper tools to do the job?"
But Richard as his ace,
Had trampled on the tube,
And stuck a shovel to his face.

I also vaguely recall the punk character from the game sounding like Vivian off of the Young Ones on the song. Why do I recall this? Because I once memorised the whole song and sang it to my mum to impress her. It was around this time that I first became aware that my mother hated me, and it wasn't long before she was openly blaming me for the loss of her figure.

I can't help thinking that the first chap's name should read Dick the Brick, what with his hod and all. -Ponky
approved Jun 2 2006, submitted May 31 2006 by Stuart Laidler
"Bang, bang. You're dead"
"No, I've got a bulletproof shield"
"But I shot you with nukerler missiles"
"It's a nuclear-proof shield too"
"Ok, Zap, zap. You're dead"
"It's got laser-proof too. It's an everything-proof shield."
"Ok. I get my everything-proof-shield-piercing-bullets and shoot you"

(See also Infinity Plus One)
approved Mar 20 2003, submitted Mar 7 2003 by Steve Carter
In Florida, there were always Turkey Vultures that flew, high in the sky. For our neighborhood gang of 5 year olds, there was only one solution to this menace - we formed the Evil Eagle Patrol.
We were armed with plastic bats (which were very real, but not very impressive) and ray guns (vice versa).
And you know Short Circuit, when the authorities are searching the desert for Johnny Five? Well, we'd box the chords from that, too. 'Cos we were ace.
approved Sep 28 2004, submitted Feb 18 2004 by Roberto Martinez
Rupert Baynham spent an entire month when he should have been studying for A-Levels making an Evil Edna costume for the school Halloween party. The costume was not for himself however, but for the mildly retarded girl Helena who he tortured at any given opportunity. The genius of the design (and hence the man hours required) lay in the "hidden compartments" later to be filled with Camembert cheese (only the finest would suffice). The cheese was left to "mature" on school radiators and the costume was gratefully received by the girl thinking it a peace offering from Rupert. One extra feature were ropes inside, ostensibly to "help keep the costume on" but in reality to bind Helena fast inside the costume, preventing escape and causing hideous rope burn. Time well spent.
approved Dec 5 2010, submitted Oct 7 2003 by Tyrannosaurus Flex
What you must shout immediatly after you have been tagged in a game of "it", to indicate that your being tagged was invalid, as you had CLEARLY crossed your fingers, thus exempting yourself from being caught because you were tying your shoelace.
In reality, a tactic to ensure that Anne-Marie remains "it" for the duration of playtime, despite the number of people she tags. Poor Anne-Marie.
approved Apr 30 2003, submitted Mar 10 2003 by A J
Also goes by the similar name of Barleys, like this -
"But I was barleys!"
"No you weren't, there's no barleys!"
"But I was barleys!"
"But you can't have been, there's no barleys"
"I was so barleys..."
After which the child claiming barleys will be allowed them (if he is hard), or beaten up.
approved Dec 12 2003, submitted Nov 10 2003 by Chris Coman
If a member of your group has been excluded, perhaps for not laughing at the leader's jokes, a lackey may be deployed to further your exclusion This lackey will approach, pretending to comfort for just a few moments, until a reluctant smile plays hopefully onto your lips. Then they will say 'He was right, you ARE a pussy' (or something to that effect), then run back to the group laughing. IMPORTANT NOTE : On no account should you use your time in the wilderness to gain an empathy with the people you would normarily bully.
approved Nov 24 2002, submitted Nov 24 2002 by SmallPaul , Jon Blyth
On the windows of the buses of Isle of Man Transport there used to be clear stickers with red letters warning "THE EXECUTIVE WILL PRESS FOR HIGHEST PENALTIES AGAINST OFFENDERS". With the aid of a 10p piece, it was easy to amend this to "THE EXECUTIVE WILL PRESS HIS PENIS AGAINST OFFENDERS". Quite often, it was noted that the executive (whoever he was) had something of a penchant for pressing his penis against fenders, too. Practically every bus on the island carried these modified warnings at some point during the 80s. They don't any more. Pity.
approved Nov 24 2002, submitted Nov 24 2002 by Adkewley
On a similar line, the signs reading "Please mind your head" on our local trains, reminding travellers to watch out for the overhead luggage racks, were easily and often changed to "Fleas in your head".
approved Jul 9 2004, submitted Apr 20 2004 by anonymous user
At a pub I frequented as a sixth former, a colleague and I set to work on the blackboard displaying the sweets of the day.

"Black Currant Cheese Cake" became the ever so wrong "Black Cunt Cheese Cak".
approved Jun 12 2005, submitted Jun 3 2005 by red andy
A green felt tip pen can be gainfully employed to change the logo on a Starbucks Coffee cup to read 'Fuck off'.

That'll show 'em.

approved Jul 2 2005, submitted Jun 30 2005 by Name Withheld
In Secondary school we had little 'planners' to write our homework assignments in, and on the front they had the name of the school, Penglais School.
Obviously with Tippex you could easily erase the 'G', the 'L' and the 'A', to make 'Penis School'. One gayer even amended his to say 'Penis Cool', which predictably earned him a severe beating.
approved Nov 18 2005, submitted Nov 17 2005 by Drab Green
A list of rules on a nearby public Pool Area (including one about 'trespass') was unwisely constructed with those little stick-on letters that are pleasantly easy to peel off. This allowed the creation of the line, "NO ASS IN THE POO AREA". Sadly, a new sign was eventually put up, minus the stick-on letters.

Also nearby was a sign in front of an ice-cream shop advertising 'Buttercream Milkshakes'. The 'er' was stolen from that sign about four times within the space of one day before the store just got rid of it. I had to admire their persistence.
approved Nov 12 2006, submitted Nov 8 2006 by anonymous user
Greengrocers used to use easily wiped off white stuff on their windows? TOMATOES could be partially redacted to TITS (the price of 50p a pound seemed reasonable, and was left alone).

If you're in a hurry, however, GRAPES - £2 can be converted in a single swipe. Although it's kind of defeating one of the key benefits if you end up paying two quid.
approved Mar 24 2008, submitted Jan 12 2007 by Ian W
The cry of exmoor was used to infuriate a fat bloke called McRedie. It referred to an incident at primary school where he was violated using a lubricant solution of deodorant and shaving foam by 5 people. People from Gloucestershire do weird things on holiday.
approved Nov 24 2002, submitted Nov 24 2002 by Kris Foster
Yelled as a preface to fourteen 11-year-old boys wrestling a passer-by to the floor, and stuffing their mouth full of grass. Presumably, because it was an experiment, teachers were loath to interfere, in case they rendered the results useless.
approved Nov 24 2002, submitted Nov 24 2002 by Name Withheld
The practice of using a black fineline pen to give the players on Panini football stickers giant afros. Each afro should be bigger than the previous one - students may use an extra sheet of paper if necessary. It is only polite to shout "EXTENDER HEAD!" when you are drawing.
approved Jul 20 2006, submitted Jul 19 2006 by Woggy M
When playing Lucozade (qv), any disabled child with an external bladder may find that they can hit the ceiling by punching their bag. This feat, impossible for those with internal bladders, will afford the window-licker (qv) with a rare moment of kudos.
approved Nov 24 2002, submitted Nov 24 2002 by Nick Feek