The Law of the Playground
the letter f
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When Mark Roberts, a fat child with an extrememly large slaphead, lost his claim to a decent childhood when he was punched in the back in a science lab, and everyone heard the booming noise his hollow bloat made.
Attempts to recreate this biological marvel meant that it would be a rare day which didn't result in Mark acquiring at least half a dozen new bruises.
approved Jul 9 2004, submitted Mar 8 2004 by anonymous user
Nearing pensioning age, Mr. Faulkner's erratic behaviour was excused and explained by other teachers with a roll of their eyes and a long-since-stopped-caring 'It's his last year'. He taught metalwork.
Whereas once we would have to provoke him into sharing his war-time heroics as a parachutist / frogman / desert fox / commando / codebreaker / astro-soldier to avoid working, it eventually dawned on us that he wouldn't give a toss if we just sat there and did our own things for an hour.
After a whole year of learning no metalwork skills at all, and practical assessments looming, a more attentive pupil recalled that we had, at some point, been told to make a trowel. Another child had actually bothered to make one, so those of us who cared about getting a mark dutifully presented this one trowel, in turn, to Mr. Faulkner. He returned the compliment by dutifully giving us all a completely different mark for it.
He also set a written exam which we had no hope of passing but during which I did discover that, apparently, there is a kind of file called a 'bastard' - the only piece of hard metalwork information that I picked up in the whole year. And he probably made that up to take the piss.
approved Oct 8 2004, submitted Jan 2 2004 by The Baron
Used in Wellington's south-eastern suburbs to describe all aspects of theft. A person who steals something is a feefola, equally when something has been stolen it has been feefola'd. For example "Oh shit, Rangi. My fuckin' pencil case has been feefola'd!" Or "Give that back you Feefola!" For readers not in tune with New Zealand working class speech patterns, feefola is a 'fresh' way of saying 'Thief'.
(Feef and Teef (a contraction of the rhyming slang "tea-leaf" were in common use in Nottingham, as was the more political "tax". Yeah, 'cos tax is just legal theft, yeah? Right, brothers? - Log)
approved Jul 28 2003, submitted Jul 13 2003 by Dugald Clark
Taxing could, however, be countered by the cunning use of a 'super tax' - it was in monopoly, therefore could be used legitimately. Unfortunately with nowhere to go after super tax - mega tax wasn't allowed - many decided that 'you bent twat' and a fight was the next logical conclusion. Which it was. And still is.
approved Sep 11 2003, submitted Sep 9 2003 by petrocelli .
Corruption. The German phrase for "Cheers then" at the end of a formal letter is "Viel Spass". Pronounced Feel Spaz. Ha ha.
approved Nov 24 2002, submitted Nov 24 2002 by Peter Gasston
By crossing your fingers and yelling Feighknights (sp?) at the top of your voice, you were rendered untouchable in any form of playground mirth. Double feighnights were twice as effective. Rumour has it, soldiers in the second World War used to say it to Nazis when their own shoelace was undone, so they could halt momentarily, tie up their shoes and continue having a war.
If someone wants to fill me in with where this came from or why, feel free to do so, unless it's deathly boring, in which case I don't care.
approved Mar 9 2003, submitted Mar 8 2003 by Alistair Gray
I understood this was spent 'feinites'. Besides, we used cross keys down here, you shit northern wuss.
approved Mar 31 2003, submitted Mar 18 2003 by anonymous user
It's fainites - or did you not have dictionaries at your school?
approved Apr 29 2003, submitted Apr 14 2003 by Breeze
it was 'keys up' you stupid english twats!
approved Apr 29 2003, submitted Apr 16 2003 by Diving Bastard
No, it was quitsies, for fucks sake! Where the hell do you people come from?
approved Oct 2 2003, submitted Aug 5 2003 by Mouse Harden
for christ's fucking sake, it's "skinchies" you shower of inbreeds
approved Oct 23 2003, submitted Oct 3 2003 by dan upright
It's barleys, you arse turds - anonymous
It's called "ecksies", because you cross your fingers. Like an X, you see? - Jimmy Disco T
For thousands of of us in the north-east it was "skinch" - Spuddy
Shut up, it's "SCRIBS!" - Lou Watson
It's "paxies". From the latin for peace. You flimsy jizzrags. - Jimbob N
approved Oct 6 2004, submitted Mar 15 2004 by anonymous user
Sucking your own spunk out of your partner's arse. A mythology grew around this word, thanks mainly to The Mary Whitehouse Experience, and the unwillingness of people who didn't know what it meant to admit it, and making something up. I'm still not entirely sure about it, as in some versions you are allowed to use a straw.
approved Nov 24 2002, submitted Nov 24 2002 by Jon Blyth
Oh, and I've done the same thing with squicking on this site - for the record, squicking is the (uncommon) practice of fucking the unformed skull of the under eights.
approved Nov 24 2002, submitted Nov 24 2002 by Jon Blyth
The use of a straw has created something of a talking point - apparently this is called "shrimping", or "mungfelching", depending on where you are.
approved Nov 24 2002, submitted Nov 24 2002 by Jon Blyth
An Irish Republican. To a certain kind of Belfast Protestant there was no worse insult.
Once, a guy who'd just fucked up on a Space Invaders machine was seen thumping it petulantly and shouting "Fenian!" at it.
approved Jan 31 2003, submitted Jan 30 2003 by Roy Watson
Mysterious chemical additive included in food to induce postconsumption belching. Fernandron does not appear on any list of ingredients because, of course, the manufacturers are "too scared to admit it".
approved Feb 14 2005, submitted Dec 12 2004 by anonymous user
How to treat women. Find them. Feel them. Finger them. Fuck them. Forget them.
Carrying this idealistic theory into practice may lead to you being disliked by some grumpier women.
approved Nov 18 2003, submitted Nov 17 2003 by Ade Lamb
Somewhere between the last two Fs, the woman should provide you with the three Bs - a blowjob, a bacon sandwich, and beer. And remember, you'd never have pulled her without the trinity of Ss, a shit, a shower and a shave.
approved Nov 24 2003, submitted Nov 21 2003 by griff .
As close as one can get to a wank without actually wanking, and therefore becoming a wanker. Wherease being a wanker is a bad thing (unless you boast about doing it over ten times a day, or you can produce over a pint in a single splot), having a fiddle is perfectly acceptable.
approved Apr 30 2003, submitted Apr 10 2003 by Toilet Tax
French woman whose misadventures in the Tricolore textbooks were entirely unspectacular - except for the fact that her eyes were a pair of tits. Her pupil-nipples (or nippupils) existed, unfeasibly, outside of the eyehole. There were two types of tit-eye in the cartoon:

Fig 1 shows the amiable, ponderous, motherly dumpling eyes. As tit-eyes, they're likeable - but they might not always get the job done.
Meanwhile, Fig 2 shows the shrewish, aggressive yet quietly unhappy pointy-tit eyes. It's difficult to imagine sucking a satisfying amount of milk from the pupils of these eyes.
Figure 3 is a pair of tits I have photoshopped above a nose and mouth. You'd be mates with that, wouldn't you? He's a barrel of laughs, him.
approved Oct 3 2011, submitted Nov 24 2002 by Jon Blyth
A geography teacher at our school, known universally as Fig, was famous for making up the most extraordinary lies, known understandably as 'Figgy Bullshits'. The best Figgy Bullshit ever told involved an epic holiday to the Canadian Rockies, a story which he really did tell to our class. Fig flew from London to Los Angeles and motorbiked up to Canada. The particular bike he took was a fold-up motorbike which folded up so small that it fitted into a suitcase which he kept on his lap as hand luggage during the flight. It was so lightweight that when two trucks overtook him on the freeway, the bike took off in the slipstream and he actually started flying. When he got to Canada, he built a log cabin by himself with his own hands, and then wrestled a grizzly bear that tried to attack him. He also shot an elk.
approved Dec 18 2002, submitted Dec 18 2002 by Martin Jones
A big fight at school was planned at lunch between two rivals Lee and John. Once agreed there was no going back and the plan was to wind them up as much as possible so to get the most out of it. On their arrival they walked into a massive huddle who formed a ring for them to perform John Dowbiggin (actual name) started it off with a running kick of which Lee Maltby caught his attacker's leg and, using his shoulder for leverage, threw John in the air. Upon his landing, John let out an enormous, noisy, fart. Lee could not continue the fight for laughing.
approved Nov 24 2002, submitted Nov 24 2002 by Richard Wetherill
"Fight, fight, fight, fight, Two wee monkeys doing a shite." Scottish chant to be sung during fights, or if you see two wee monkeys having a shit, and feel that they are not doing it aggressively enough.
approved Dec 3 2002, submitted Nov 24 2002 by Kendo
Bog-standard school brutality. Basically, the hardest kids in the fourth year would roam the fourth year rooms in search of likely candidates. Once the victims were selected, they'd be thrown into room D10, and told that they'd get the crap beaten out of them if they didn't fight. Generally, the ensuing violence was so half-hearted that the hard kids got bored and wandered off. One day the victims were Prinder and Garner. These guys knew they were in for a real beating if they didn't satisfy: the hard kids wanted to see blood. The word gets around that this time it's serious. The rest of the fourth year gather around D10, faces pressed to the windows to watch. It takes about 5 minutes for the victims, nearly in tears, to work themselves up to it, and then, driven by pure fear, they start. The whole thing ends with Garner kneeling on Prinder's chest, holding on by the ears and bouncing his head off the floor. For far too long. Fight room never happened again.
approved Nov 24 2002, submitted Nov 24 2002 by Marc S
A phrase which, as well the well-established meaning of "I found it, it's mine", announces an impending mugging, much like a highwayman command to a coach party to stand and deliver.
Particularly loquacious bullies in the Wild West of Scotland might say "fin', keep: brek beak" which roughly translates to "I'm going to pat you down and if you've lied about not having anything, you get a fucking broken nose".
approved Feb 22 2004, submitted Feb 20 2004 by anonymous user
A practice taken up primarily by my Welsh teacher that annoyed me no end.
He used to do it so frequently that one lesson I vowed to hit myself over the head every time he did it.
That was a painful lesson.

In hindsight I probably should have hit the person next to me when he did it, but he was bigger and harder than me.
Is it just me, or is Patrick he sort of person who gets written about in these pages, rather than the sort of person who writes in? Patrick; your name didn't used to be 'Sears' did it?
approved Apr 16 2005, submitted May 4 2004 by Patrick Kidd
A game, devilishly simple to play, but with enormous potential for mischief.

Extend your index finger at the same height as someone's cheek, and get them to turn their head, so that the extended finger connects - sometimes quite sharply - with the cheek. A simple: "what the hell is that?!!" can often be enough to get the intended recipient to look away, whereupon you place The Finger in anticipation of them turning their head back.

If the victim is not feeling jovial, you may find The Finger being countered with The Fist.
approved Apr 21 2003, submitted Mar 26 2003 by Holder Bater
An exciting and fun game that's not based on prejudice. Before the start of a lesson you had to nominate a piece of furniture, and formulate a reason for the teacher to leave the class. If, once given the excuse, the teachers leaves the room, then the game begins. The player has to set fire to the nominated piece of furniture, using lighter fluid. Then, they had to wait as long as they dared before extinguishing the flames with a small child's jumper. More often than not smoke would fill the room and the jumper would go up with the furniture, resulting in complete havoc and fire alarms. This one kid just liked getting caught in different positions when the teacher got back. His best by far was standing on her desk pretending to wank over the flaming filing cabinet in order to put it out, needless to say the teacher (an old lady as it happens, english teacher) was so gobsmacked she just didn't know what to say and left the room, she didn't come back after that and we all got ticked off for making her cry.
approved Nov 24 2002, submitted Nov 24 2002 by Toby Skinner
Spray the tips of your shoes for around twenty seconds with deodorant, light it, and kick random objects about - can and should include attempts at kicking fellow humans.
Very briefly became Fireball - the same principle as above but applied to an old Mitre football instead of one's footwear. Briefly, because people started getting hurt.
approved Sep 25 2003, submitted Aug 6 2003 by anonymous user