The Law of the Playground
the letter f
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An unusual game that involves any amount of players, but we usually only play with two, because nobody else wants to play. All you have to do is kick the other person's shins / legs. Tactics such as "look over there" *SMACK* are pretty good and the winner is the one who doesn't give up. Bleeding and bruises are good, whereas crying is not.
approved Mar 20 2003, submitted Mar 19 2003 by Name Withheld
A pubescent ploy of drawing two eyes on the index finger then passing said finger under hem of tasty geography teacher's skirt while she is stood next to your desk looking the other way. What Freddy 'sees' is transmitted to his master causing him to jolt into eye rolling mouth dribbling fake orgasm. One lad was caught in action, and was sent to the school nurse amid fears of having an eppy.
approved Mar 7 2003, submitted Jan 15 2003 by harry dump
A book graffiti campaign was launched to free Deidre Rachid - a fictional character wrongly - but fictionally - imprisoned in a (fictitious) jail.

The best one featured a young child praying to god, with the caption "Please sir, free Deidre" crudely inserted in a speech-bubble above his head.

We like to think our little campaign in some way influenced the decision of the Coronation Street writers to release the chicken-necked cunt.
approved Oct 22 2003, submitted Oct 10 2003 by anonymous user
Term of abuse aimed at children of unemployed alcoholic parents living on council estates. At the time (early 70's) there was a kids' adventure serial screened pre-teatime called the Freewheelers. Anybody who was subject to free dinners was henceforth known as a Freemealer.
approved Dec 16 2002, submitted Dec 16 2002 by Ivan Vasiilevich
There was one kid who was accused of hogging the French exchange students. The teachers were informed, a commitee was convened, the kid was reprimanded. The reprimand was stapled into his permanent file. Later, this reprimand kept the exchange-student-hogger out of a prestigious university.
(I'm approving this story because I have no idea what hogging means in this context. To me, hogging means "keeping them all to yourself", and I love the image of this student crowd-surfing everywhere on a sea of fifty frenchmen, saying "allez la-bas!")
approved Oct 8 2004, submitted Feb 21 2004 by Tom Gilboa
Graffiti. Presumably the teacher arrived before the pupil could add the final "r".
approved Sep 17 2003, submitted Sep 7 2003 by Leopold Bloom
This was an event so good, mere words cannot pronounce its greatness. But I'm trying my best to do it justice.

Room 30 was the form room of 10H, and also doubled as Mr Brown's music room. Because of this, there was various musical equipment and other large heavy things to play around with. Some of our favourite games were Put Johnny In The Grand Piano, Drop Johnny Off A Table On His Head, and Pin Johnny In Between The Filing Cabinet And The Wall Then Run Into Him. There was also the fire extinguisher which was put to great use, such as lying it on it's side next to a filing cabinet, then using the upright piano to push in the lever, firing the extinguisher and sending it off spiralling into the room. Great stuff.

However, the highlight of the week was always Friday lunchtime. The curtains would all be drawn and the lights turned out, then all the desks and chairs would be pushed to the edges of the room to create a large space in the centre of the room. Everyone then removed their shoes, jackets and ties, much like in Fight Club, then patiently wait by the edge of the room. Mark Curling would then get behind the grand piano and start playing a long fanfare-type intro. However, no one moved until the proper music kicked in. As we waited for this, the tension and anticipation was electric. Mark would then start playing The Entertainer, at which point EVERYONE in the room ran into the centre of the room and beat the crap out of each other, usually ending in Rowlands getting cut in the facial area (the fat fucker). One particularly memorable moment was when I jumped on Jack, sending us both to the floor, at which point Manji ran across the room and kneed me in the side of the head. Another was when Martin stood on one of the tables at the side of the room and sprayed the CO2 fire extinguisher into the crowd. I seem to remember it tasting like Orange Tango.
approved Feb 10 2003, submitted Jan 17 2003 by Charlie Webb

Our music teacher Mr. Hotton had a black bushy beard, a thunderous temper and generally looked, sounded and acted like Victorian Dad.

He owned a plimsoll which he dubbed 'Friendly Fred', and inscribed 'FF' on the sole in black magic marker. As he never tired of explaining to us, this was a clever joke because FF in musical notation meant 'very loud', as small boys were apt to be when he beat them about the buttocks with it.

Once, entirely out of character, he gave me a Mars bar for being a good drummer.
approved Feb 10 2003, submitted Dec 23 2002 by Dancing Bean
An imperfect method of forcing girls into vague sexual acts. Accusing them of frigidity would generally result in a denial, whereupon you would be perfectly within your rights asking them to prove it. If she agreed then you got to feel her ladybumps while she stood as still as she could. Most girls would usually tell you to piss off though.
approved Nov 24 2002, submitted Nov 24 2002 by Andy Green
You can, according to my better-informed schoolmates, tell whether a girl is a virgin or not by whether her knees rub together when she walks. If they don't then she has undoubtedly been riding the entire town and should be buried in a Y-shaped coffin, the dirty little whore.
Let's take Michelle McManus. Her knees definitely rub together when she walks, because she is fat. As it is a well known fact that it is harder to pull fat, ugly, birds than slim attractive ones*, and because, well, NO-ONE wants to shag a fat lass**, this must be true.
*Unless you are a fat ugly bloke.
**Unless you are a fat ugly bloke.
approved Jun 18 2005, submitted Jun 17 2005 by Em Bird, Andy Mansh
This was a word we used to describe erect nipples. I think it was short for "frosty nipples", referring to the way that nipples often stiffen when they get cold.
It is also what Maria Westbrook started calling Samantha Dentley after she noticed that Samantha's nipples were almost always erect - a nickname that was never used by anyone else because we were far more interested in making fun of Maria the Nipple Policelesbian.
approved Jun 24 2005, submitted Jun 21 2005 by Hannah Peterson
We decided in the changing rooms after P.E one day, to see who could endure the longest spray of aerosol deodorant point blank onto their nipple. After a few rounds, my friend Pobba beat the record with an immense 45 second long spray. The second after he finished however, whilst enjoying his applause, someone flicked at his icy nip, whereupon it detached itself from his body and flew away, to be lost forever.
Have YOU seen Pobba's nip? If so, call me, Mansh, at Police 5, and you could win a community action trust reward. Keep 'em peeled. - Mansh
approved Jun 27 2005, submitted Jun 24 2005 by anonymous user
Get a thin drinking straw from a Calypso packet. Catch a frog. Spawning season is a good time, as they're too busy clambering all over each other to bother about having a thin straw stuck up their anus. Stick the thin straw up the frog's anus. Blow gently. Believe it or not, this inflates the frog, which cannot then deflate.
Added fun : launch the bloated frogs on a pool and try to burst them using marbles launched from Black Widow catapult.

Theres only one thing we hold sacred here on Playground, and thats TRUTH. (And fags. Fags are important as well.) We believe this entry to be unmitigated bollocks. However if you know different, if you are a zoologist or specialist in frogs anuses, please write in. If youd like to write in just to go "aaaaaah, anonymous user is a vast liar and probably GAY", then thats all to the good too.

We cant even guess how youd go about finding a frogs anus.

approved Apr 29 2003, submitted Apr 1 2003 by anonymous user
Aaaaaah, anonymous user is a vast liar and probably GAY.
So there.
approved Sep 24 2003, submitted Sep 16 2003 by Cavern Vernon
Potential urban myth. If you stick a straw up a frog's anus and blow, it will explode. Don't question the physics; it will explode.
approved Feb 14 2003, submitted Feb 12 2003 by John Cheetham
Also - exploding pigeon. Mash bread up with bicarbonate of soda and feed liberally to pigeons (or any bird for that matter). As birds cannot fart or burp the build up of gas will cause the flying vermin to explode.

(In my opinion this would have vastly improved the cutesy "Feed The Birds" bit in Mary Poppins. Those two annoying kids dripping with tiny pigeon entrails, feathers in their hair and their screams punctuated only by the sound "coo, cooka-boom! Splat! " would have gone some way to cutting through the saccharine.)
approved Apr 29 2003, submitted Mar 25 2003 by Dr Ringpiece, Susan Tobacco
it may well be one of those 'school myths' but one of our chemistry teachers was alleged to have, as a hobby, wrapping small pieces of sodium (explosive when wet) in dry bread and feeding it to the seagulls which plagued our school.
approved Sep 23 2003, submitted Sep 21 2003 by dave evans
This doesn't explode them but certainly does kill the flying vermin of seagulls, as taught by Mr Jones who was used to living in a seaside town:

1. Dip sponge in gravy
2. Bake in oven so it shrinks
3. Cut into small chunks and feed to seagulls
4. Expands in stomach so they can't eat

Now that I have kids of my own it's fun to pass on these tips.

This whole thread is getting a bit "Wasp Factory". We've called the man from the RSPCA. His name is Geoff.
approved Oct 3 2003, submitted Oct 3 2003 by Name Withheld
Methinks the exploding bird story is a myth as birds can indeed fart. Witness my parrot, who farts, lifts his leg when doing so and it smells! And my budgie pukes bird seed all over me whenever I hold him.

Thanks for that insight, Gemma.
approved Feb 14 2005, submitted Nov 29 2004 by Name Withheld
Hyperthetical concept of a person naked on all fours, violent diarrhoea and flatulence spitting from their raw anus. A wet, "Aero-like" bubbling build-up starts to form, much like comedy-broken-washing-machines' output only brown and bad. If the person stays still, this shitty foam will harden into a frothcake which can be served in slices. I was old enough to have known better by the time this concept was invented.
approved Nov 24 2002, submitted Nov 24 2002 by Tuppence
When queuing outside classrooms, since one is only allowed to enter when the teacher arrives and gives the OK, there tends to be a certain degree of pushing. Should there be pushing then the pushee may shout 'frot frot frot' or 'frotter' or 'oh goodie, frottage'.
approved Apr 29 2003, submitted Apr 11 2003 by anonymous user
At lunchtime, a banana, a large red grape, a carton of milk and a straw can be combined to fashion a most amusing sculpture, as follows:

1) Cut the tip off the banana.
2) Insert the straw through the cut tip, pointing down along the length of the banana. Push through until the banana is skewered on the straw, with about an inch protruding from the severed banana tip, and at least an inch protruding from somewhere along the length of the banana.
3) Blow down the straw to remove any banana detritus.
4) Cut the grape in half and attach one half this to the cut end of the banana by skewering it on the straw.
5) Take a mouthful of tasty milk. For Christ's sake, don't swallow.
6) Put mouth on non-graped end of straw and blow.
7) Sit back and enjoy your fellow students' hilarity at the sight of this facsimile of an ejaculating penis.
Don't try to be too clever and use oranges or plums for balls. Remember - less is often more, and you don't want to be accused of gilding the lily.
approved May 10 2005, submitted May 6 2005 by anonymous user
A fat useless bastard. More common nationally than you might expect, this word contains the two Atkinson / Elton letters of comedy, "f" and "b". This explains why the words "baffle" and "boffin" are so popular, and why "Baby Bumfluff" is the most popular children's cartoon of the 1970s.
approved Oct 2 2003, submitted Oct 2 2003 by Jon Blyth
Can't take credit for the word, I suppose, but the game of fuck is good wholesome fun for two or more players. Best played in a classroom, but it works in the playground too, as long as a teacher is nearby. The first player says 'fuck' very quietly, just so you can hear it. The next player has to say it a little louder, and so on around the players. The loser is the first person to say 'fuck' more quietly than the previous person, to bottle out completely, or to be heard by the teacher.
approved Nov 24 2002, submitted Nov 24 2002 by Rocky Shore Pervert
Apparently, there's a variant of this game, in which you have to say "anal fist fuck". A few people have emailed to tell me this. The stakes are substantially higher on this one, and I'm curious to know if there are any even more extreme versions.
approved Nov 24 2002, submitted Nov 24 2002 by Jon Blyth
Allow me. For the advanced fucker, there was this incredibly more dangerous version, very rarely played. You hold your hand in the air, middle finger extended, and say loudly 'one motherfucker'. The next person says 'one, two motherfucker' and so on. I never knew it get higher than five motherfucker, and we eventually had a year assembly warning us that if it happened again, expulsion would follow. Finally , here is the most dangerous game of fuck that can be played, as it relies of the rest of the class not reacting in any way. While speaking to a teacher, you simply drop the word 'fuck' into the sentence. When the teacher expresses surprise, repeat the sentence with 'fuck' removed. As in: Ben: And you can tell the church was built at the same time, cos it's got all them fuckin' crenellations along the top'. Mrs Whittaker: What did you say? Ben: I said, it's got all those crenellatons along the top. Y'know, like on the castle.
approved Nov 24 2002, submitted Nov 24 2002 by Rocky Shore Pervert
For us, Fuck evolved to a fantastically risky advanced level, in which each player had use a different - and filthier - swear each time. This lent the game a delicious creative edge, and led to furious debate on one occasion as to whether 'tuna taco' was a worthy follow up to 'minge'.
approved Apr 19 2006, submitted Apr 18 2006 by Name Withheld
see fuck shit wanker tit bum
approved Nov 24 2002, submitted Nov 24 2002 by Bryan Lord
An insult beyond all others. It can be used in a face to face argument, or simply as a curse. It has to be said quickly and with passion to be effective, but you can't help thinking that it would be even more effective if it didn't end with "bum".
approved Nov 24 2002, submitted Nov 24 2002 by Nathan Dalgarno
Variations include fuck shit bastard wank twat, fuck shit fuck shit fuck, and fuck shit bollocks arse cunt. Well, that's this page fucked for NetNanny.
approved Nov 24 2002, submitted Nov 24 2002 by Jon Blyth
Thing I accidentally said when under extreme pressure, faced with gang of big, hard older girls all shouting stuff at me.

Though it was embarrassing at the time, I have since realised, from the books of Roddy Doyle etc. that "Fuck up" is a perfectly valid and pleasing insult, combining Fuck Off, Shut Up, and, as a bonus, expressing the hope that the person it's said to will 'Fuck Up' in their future endeavours. With hindsight, I SO win, you whores.
approved Dec 13 2002, submitted Dec 13 2002 by Susan Tobacco