The Law of the Playground
the letter i
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A club to which new or stupid pupils were told it was desirable to belong to. Membership was obtained by standing on one of the wooden benches which marked the boundary between boys and girls recreation areas and shouting 'I am a cunt!'
Your status within the club was determined by the number of shouts achieved. For instance a 25-cunter obviously outranked a 12-cunter. The shouts had to be audible to a panel of judges who stood at a safe distance.
Iain Grant's claim to be a hundred-cunter was dismissed as it was achieved outside school hours. If a teacher was on playground duty each shout counted as a shout and a half for scoring purposes.
The highest verified status was Mark Jeffries' 43-cunter and the lowest was for a shout of 'I am' followed by a punch in the stomach.
Rival clubs, such as 'I am a Bastard' and the boundary-stretching 'I am a fucking cunt' never really caught on.
approved Jan 18 2003, submitted Dec 18 2002 by Bob Marche
A song to the tune of Matt Bianco's cover of "Yeah Yeah".
I am a mongol, and i run around town,
and people hit me on my water filled crown,
it took me two months just to do up my tie,
I had an option to do it or die,
I say uuuurr uuuurrr.
John Connors was asked to sing it in assembly as the english teacher thought it was called "I am a Moron". Connors was put in detention and had to write a letter of apology to Mrs Ware who had a down syndrome child and had run out of assembly crying. This all seemed rather unfair.
approved Dec 6 2002, submitted Nov 24 2002 by Silent Bob
It was a commonly held belief in my school that all robots moved their arms like Hazel O'Connor in 'Breaking Glass' and went around saying 'I am a robot' in Dalek voices and did nothing else. This bore no relation to the two (non-fictional) robots anyone had seen: 'Bigtrak' a kind of tank thing that fetched apples for your dad and shot the dog, and Hero 1, essentially a robot arm on top of a radio controlled car. Unless you count Twiki of course, he was real.
approved Nov 24 2002, submitted Nov 24 2002 by Lee Nelson
Natural target Mark regularly used to try this as a mental defence mechanism whenever he was subjected to physical torture, involving him saying "I AM A ROBOT. YOU CAN NOT HURT ME." in a metallic-sounding voice. This statement stood in stark opposition to the fact that we could, and did.
approved Feb 2 2004, submitted Dec 26 2003 by nicotineman the 3rd
Years before the Borg in Star Trek, kids at my school would wander around woodenly, saying "I-AM-A-ROBOT", and if they pressed their fists against the side of your neck, you became a robot too. This was quite inconvenient, as many of us wanted to play other things, but there was an unspoken rule that if you were turned into a robot, you had to stop whatever you were doing and go and turn other kids into robots.
When the number of robots rapidbly began to outnumber the number of non-robots, we few remaining survivors decided to retaliate, and thus created "Cut-circuits", which were good robots that destroyed the robot circuitry that the robots had put into the kids, and turned them back into humans again. These kids were then free to go back to playing football or beating each other up or whatever it was they were doing. This, however, proved to be the fatal flaw in their design - cut-circuits didn't turn you into one of them, they merely turned you human again, which meant that they were fighting a losing battle, as the robots could multiply much faster than they could.
Things were looking desperate for us few remaining humans, until finally one of us hit upon the brilliant idea of just telling any robots that tried to assimilate us to piss off. And that was the end of that.
approved Jun 24 2005, submitted May 17 2005 by Dan Leonard
John Hoggart used to march around the football field saying "NOTHING STANDS IN MY WAY" in a robot voice.

Using all the lessons you've learned from this website about human behaviour, can you guess what happened?

That's right! He was abducted, tortured to insanity, given bionic implants and made to fight polar bears. After ten years of battling the Arctic beasts, his implants were obsolete, and he was dumped on a glacier and left to sail away. This icy island sailed into mediterranean waters, and John Hoggart's still-sentient corpse was sailed around on an inflatable banana to ward off pirates. He was buried vertically, and two snakes now use his skull as a home. They are very much in love, and every morning they pop their head out of an eye socket each, and do a kiss.

Oh, you know I'm doing a fib, don't you? I'll come clean; people just stood in his way.
approved Dec 22 2005, submitted Nov 22 2005 by Pogglesnatch , Jon Blyth
During a Humanities lesson, our teacher was astonished (and completely terrified) by the sight of Dennis bursting into the room with a hammer from woodwork and wearing a crudely fashioned paper beard. He announced: "I am Sutcliffe!", did a twisty dance, and ran from the room. Where Dennis had come up with this piece of theatre is anybody's guess but he had many a detention to mull over his behaviour. But, try as they might, they couldn't break the would-be serial killer, and he signed my shirt "the youkshire ripper fan-club" on the last day of school. I hope he doesn't drive a lorry now!
approved Aug 5 2005, submitted Aug 4 2005 by Tony Green
Kid A: What's the ninth letter of the alphabet?
Kid B (pause while fingers are counted on): I
Kid A: What colour is the sky?
Kid B: Blue
Kid A: What's the opposite of on?
Kid B: Off
Kid A: Euuuurrrrr! You blew off!
You blew off! Hey everyone, [Kid A] just said "I blew off"! This works best if you run around doing it to as many people as you can, because it's only a matter of time before everyone has heard it. And if that doesn't happen, there's only a brief period in your life when you will be childish enough for it to be funny.
approved Dec 6 2002, submitted Nov 24 2002 by Matt Fasham
Alternatively:
A: What's your name?
B: B
A: (Point to your nose) What's this?
B: Nose
A: (Hold your hand out) What am I carrying?
B: Nothing
A: B knows nothing! He said so himself! He's shouting it from the rooftops!
approved Jul 13 2004, submitted Jan 18 2004 by Craig Hudson
My primary school's old assistant head told us at assembly once:
"If someone makes fun of you for not having the latest fashionable gear or a brand new bike or something, just tell them you can't afford it - that'll shut them up."
Even aged about 7, we knew that was a really fucking bad idea.
approved Oct 3 2005, submitted Aug 24 2005 by Sus K
Classic reply to the belligerent "what are you staring at?"
Also consider, "dunno, the label's dropped off", "dunno, but it's staring back", and "a cunt".
approved Dec 12 2003, submitted Nov 23 2003 by Matt Fasham
From the same school as are you looking at me or chewing a brick?, the punchline to which - either way you lose your teeth - I didn't know when I was young, so I assumed it was something to do with the face you pulled when you were staring at the person. But, if you looked at someone and pulled a face like you were chewing a brick, that would probably mean that the other person was really ugly, so it made no sense that that other person would draw attention to your disgusted reaction to him.
I understand now, but this was a real worry to me at the time.
approved Dec 12 2003, submitted Dec 12 2003 by Jon Blyth
The mantra of one, evidently peace-loving gentleman at my school.
The only confusion arose from his body language - the fact his olive branch was offered to an unaggressive child, whom he was punching again and again in the face, made it all seem just a touch more psychotic than everyday violence.
approved Oct 5 2005, submitted Sep 6 2005 by Tony Seagrave
The brilliantly misguided defense used by a contemptible shit in my year by the name of Ben Wilbur, when encircled by a group of 12-year olds, doubtless virgins themselves, mocking him for not ever getting his oats.
He was roundly hated before he revealed he'd spaffed in his sister, but after that bullying efforts were trebled on the irritating twat (he used to get in your face and make a noise like Snarf out of the Thundercars, the cunt), culminating in the most astonishing display of mass youthful brutality I've ever seen, nay, been party to. To win some friends, he climbed onto the school roof one lunchtime to retrieve a football. Seeing him up there, prancing round like a cock, made some sort of collective tolerance get breached, and suddenly the hapless wank was bombarded with rocks even the fucking prefects were joining in, loner girls who'd never been heard to speak were fucking pelting the git and baying for blood. Mad, sad, and a little frightening. The whole school got bollocked immediately after lunch in the only emergency assembly we'd ever had, with Ben getting carted off in an ambulace.
approved Sep 2 2006, submitted Aug 23 2006 by anonymous user
I wonder if I'm the only one thinking that you all sound like a far greater bunch of cunts then him?
approved Jan 2 2007, submitted Sep 5 2006 by Drew Styles
At the age of eight, we managed to convince pikey Sophie James that having an orgasm was a terrible thing, by admonishing "Don't have an orgasm, Sophie" every time she showed the slightest hint of excitement. After about the millionth time, the phrase would set her off into a monumental tantrum: she'd screech, stamp her feet, bellow "I HAVEN'T HAD AN ORGASM!", and run off to cry in the toilets.
Fifteen years later, I can't help wondering if she still does this when her boyfriend asks her "Did you come, dear?"
approved Oct 3 2005, submitted Aug 4 2005 by Alana S
Disproportionate retort to a perfectly reasonable statement. For example:

"Hey Andrea, have you got a red pen I can borrow?"
"No, sorry."
"Well then, I hope your firstborn is a cripple."

If anyone from Killy High has since given birth to a crippled child, I accept no responsibility for it.
approved Apr 29 2003, submitted Mar 27 2003 by Stuart Laidler
approved Sep 25 2003, submitted Aug 26 2003 by Tania Kirkwood
During primary school Christmas dinner in the mid-to-late 80's, it was customary to announce "I now have the honour of eating a potato" in a Margaret Thatcher voice before stuffing an entire hot roast potato into our mouths. We would maintan an expression of pained satisfaction as steam shot out from our ears.
approved Feb 14 2003, submitted Feb 4 2003 by Alexander Po
If you are of the lower castes, and a higher ranking child says this to you with his hand outstretched and welcoming, run. Run away.
The best you can expect is a crushing handshake.
But it's rarely a lone wolf attack - to risk approaching someone as unpopular as you, there's usually going to be a bigger payoff. Chances are you'll be held in place while others come to laugh at the fact you dared to want or expect friendship. Often, there is violence.
Finally, the crowd will be overjoyed if the injustice causes you to howl "you liiiiiiiiiiieeeeeeeeed" before losing conscousness. They know they lied. That was the whole point. No wonder you get picked on.
approved Nov 29 2005, submitted Aug 26 2005 by Tony Green
If there's one thing school children should be congratulated for, it's coming up with blue lyrics for the songs in the hit parade, often mere seconds after the release of the tune.

Back in the heady days of 1993 Ace of Base released "The Sign" which was transmogrified into "Your Mom"; the words to which are:
I saw Your Mom,
She opened up her legs and said 'come on'.
Life is demanding,
When you're doing it on the landing.


Brilliant, I'm sure you'd agree. Obviously you couldn't let someone sing this to you unpunished which led to someone coming up with the blocker song, "Your Dad", which replaced the fist two lines with:
I saw Your Dad,
He opened up his legs and said 'not bad'.


This, in turn, was blocked by the fact being pointed out that having your opponent's dad opening his legs on the landing and appraising you for sexy purposes was pretty fucking gay anyway.
approved Apr 23 2005, submitted Nov 12 2003 by Richard Edwards
I saw your mum
She opened up her legs, I gave her one.
It wasn't funny
But she needed the money.


If shagging your friend's mum was funny, or if she was independently wealthy and just whoring herself for kicks, you could substitute the last two lines with

It was fantastic
Totally elastic!


The lack of an alternative for well-to-do mums with bucket fannies is presumably down to their penchant for consulting with plastic surgeons and getting an 'elastic' nip n tuck to the old bacon sandwich.
approved Apr 27 2005, submitted Apr 27 2005 by pert bert
I think you mean;
I fucked your Mum
I opened up her legs and made her come
She was outstanding
Especially on the landing.
Then move onto the father, remembering that it's not gay to fuck another boy's father;
I fucked your Dad
I fucked him, sucked him, played with his gonads
I felt his power
When we were in the shower.
(Let me try! Cough - here we go...
I snogged your gran,
I mopped up her womb juices with a naan.
I fisted said womb
In her filthy bedroom
- Log)
approved May 12 2005, submitted Apr 29 2005 by anonymous user
David Chiswell's mum was a bit of a goer and she done it how she liked it. Singing this steamy tribute to her subtle charms in his face was the least we could do.
I fucked your mum
I opened up her bum, I fucked your mum
She was demanding
So I fucked her standing

approved May 7 2005, submitted May 7 2005 by Alistair Gray
After school we would often drink a potent concoction known as "bine" which was half beer, half red wine. After drinking a large amount of bine my buddy spent the evening singing:

I drank the bine,
I opened up my mouth,
I saw the bine.


When he says "saw the bine" I think he actually meant "regurgitated the bine", but that didn't scan so well; and the song never evolved beyond a repetition of this perfect quasi-haiku.

You should have seen the state of us after a heavy night on the Pimmto.
approved Jan 27 2006, submitted Jan 25 2006 by jimmy 2 sockets
To the tune of 'Wannabe' by the Spice Girls:

If you wanna be my lover,
Sex is 50p.
Condoms are one-fifty,
Buy one get one freeee!


Every time I see a 'Buy One Get One Free' offer I get the urge to sing that song.

You should go right ahead. It'd probably brighten up some old sod's Tesco shopping trip anyway. - Matt
approved Jun 14 2007, submitted Aug 10 2006 by steph smith
Alternate lyrics of Kylie's debut single, which summarised the plotlines in Neighbours of the time, and added a rubber ducky.
I should be so lucky with my rubber ducky
Strangle Mrs Mangle today
Daphnes had a baby
Called it little Jamie
Bouncers gone a bouncing away.
Then the second verse, which lost its way somewhat...
Daphnes nearly Dying
Gails just arriving
Des doesn't know what to do
Mike's at college showing off his knowledge
Picking up a date or two
approved Feb 14 2003, submitted Feb 13 2003 by Angela Peebles
As a follow-up to a witty one liner, I intended this to mean "what I just said was excellent, I'll accept your money via credit card". My classmates, however, interpreted it as an admission that I liked to stick dildos up my bum.
approved Oct 17 2003, submitted Oct 16 2003 by Alistair Gray
A line from Nora in the A-Level English Literature study-favourite 'A Doll's House' by Frederik Ibsen.
"If only I dared go out. If only no one would come. If only I could be sure nothing would happen here in the meantime. Stuff and nonsense! No one will come. Only I mustn't think about it. I will brush my muff. What lovely, lovely gloves!"
At this point, discipline faded fast.
(Also consider "Ride you tonight, my lord?" from Macbeth)
approved Jan 31 2003, submitted Jan 23 2003 by Conor Franklin
A line similarly destined to provoke hilarity comes from 'Sense and Sensibility', where (I think) Marianne declares "it is so cold today. I can barely keep my hands warm, even in my muff."
approved Mar 11 2003, submitted Mar 11 2003 by Mike Hawker
There's also some lines from a play (I have no idea what play, maybe a drama student can enlighten me) which go:

"Has the doctor seen her, Fanny?"
"Yes, and he said there was little hope."
approved Apr 25 2003, submitted Mar 21 2003 by Matt Fasham
Jane Austen must have been taking the piss with Mansfield Park. Not only did she name the main character Fanny, but she saw fit to stress on several occasions the particular love that Fanny had for balls.

The balls of Antigua and Northampton are discussed at length, though the book suggests that Mr Rushworth's balls are the best in the country.
approved Feb 29 2004, submitted Feb 20 2004 by panda monium
From now on, any submissions of inadvertant innuendo in classical literature to i will brush my muff or holmes ejaculated will require internet link-based proof. Anyone writing in to say I think there's a bit in A Christmas Carol where Tom Bosley says 'hubba bubba bumlegs' will not be considered. They will not be considered, you hear me?
approved Oct 4 2004, submitted Apr 18 2004 by Jon Blyth
King Lear shares a cathartic aside with Goneril, when he confesses;
Life and death! I am ashamed
That thou hast power to shake my manhood thus;
That these hot tears, which break from me perforce...

Goneril's reply in the first draft was;
"Whatevs, King Queer. Twas only a hand job, and not like you got your dick dirty nor nothin'. FORSOOTH!"
approved Aug 8 2005, submitted Aug 2 2005 by David Ring
Desk-writing poetry.

I woz ere
Ere I woz
Woz i ere?
Yes I woz

Affirming. My best friend Emily McQuade once filled in the space underneath with:

You are sad
Sad you are
Are you sad?
Yes you are

We liked to imagine the first-year who wrote the original poem seeing that, and crying.
approved Apr 29 2003, submitted Dec 21 2002 by Siobhan Morris
Emma was here
Now I'm gone
Left my name
To turn you on
"Headmaster, a group of children are gathered at the science block wall. They appear to be getting cheapies."
"What is it, Mr Huntley? Has the porn fairy been on the rounds?"
"No, sir. A girl called Emma has left her name on the wall."
"My God! That'll turn everyone on! She'll have every cock primed and ready to spunk!"
"I'll fetch the barbiturates."
"It might be too late for that - bring the hankies too."
approved Aug 3 2005, submitted Jul 25 2005 by Emma Ward, Jon Blyth
The infamous statement made by the hottest girl in our entire school in front of all of my friends. Within five seconds my trousers were on the ground. Luckily she followed through, otherwise my all time greatest achievement could easily have been the most embarrasing moment of my life.
approved Nov 24 2002, submitted Nov 24 2002 by Anon
She followed through? I suppose browning one's cacks is slightly more embarassing than getting your knob out.
approved Apr 18 2003, submitted Apr 2 2003 by snudger snudger