The Law of the Playground
the letter l
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"Ma ma ma ma ma la bamba
Spaghetti, meatballs,
And a great big banana..."
Spaghetti, of course, refers to pubic hair; meatballs to testicles and 'great big banana' to an implausibly long and curvy penis. Generally accompanied by a bizarre dance, in which said genital features were outlined with the hands.
approved Apr 25 2005, submitted Feb 13 2004 by Matt Sharp
At our school the song was the same, except the gigantic banana was 'all chopped up in pieces', and the 'spaghetti meatballs' were generally considered to be breasts. The wild size/texture/immersion in sauce disparity between meatballs and bosoms wasn't the point.
We were singing about chopped-up winkles and little brown boobs, and that's all that matters.
approved Apr 28 2005, submitted Apr 25 2005 by stickle brick
A comic strip and casette based story in some pre-GCSE textbooks. Also something that should be shouted at someone whilst throwing grass at them/shoving bundles of grass down their jumpers.
approved Nov 24 2002, submitted Nov 24 2002 by Phil Catterall
"La sac magique", from Tots TV, is presumably something to say whilst delivering your wrath unto a colleagues testicles.

There's also a line from Bill Hicks' Revelations video about a "Hairy sack of magic" which made Tots TV more unintentionally hilarious. -Susan.
approved May 2 2003, submitted Nov 24 2002 by Jon Blyth
La Saq Magique is something we developed in pikey student years which glasses/ashtrays/bog roll etc disappear into from the pub then reappear in scummy student flat - still works these days...
approved May 2 2003, submitted Feb 21 2003 by Name Withheld
Hull notwithstanding, quite possibly the shittest place on Earth. Widely documented in the Tricolore series - Chantal habite a La Rochelle - La Rochelle was a fishing village. Not only it a transparent shithole, it was populated by what appeared to be sex criminals and very hairy women.
"Le boucher qui travail a La Rochelle, il touche les enfants, parce que son pouse ne rase pas ses aisselles."
approved Sep 24 2003, submitted Sep 24 2003 by petrocelli .
In 1987, no-one in France shaved their armpits. Or wore deodorant. Especially not girls. My first French exchange was marred by an organised trip to a swimming pool where there were rafts of thick, black underarm hair as far as the eye could see. The girl you'd had a crush on suddenly became the world's hairiest swamp donkey when her pits were exposed. They're catching on now, thank God. At least with the shaving, anyway.
approved Sep 25 2003, submitted Sep 25 2003 by Nick Hunt
Other than flick-knives, 35 centime wine and porn, this was the only entertainment available on our French trip. To ensure that we didn't smuggle exposives back into Britain, the teachers announced an amnesty on bangers and collected them all as the boys got onto the bus for the last time. Foolishly, they simply threw their booty into a litterbin by the side of the road. What they hadn't considered was Hugh Gibbs arriving late and throwing a lit box of matches into the bin before embarking. Honestly, it was like the final 20 minutes of a James Bond film.

Ok, it wasn't.
approved Oct 9 2003, submitted Oct 4 2003 by Andy Mansh
In an attempt to avoid bangers being confiscated by our teachers we used to hide them in our shoes as we got back on the coach - amazingly we got away with it year after year. We once stuck a large banger in the exhaust pipe of the school caretaker's car which made a surprising mess of the back of his vehicle.

Reads so much better if you read it out of context (as I did) and visualise sausages instead. - Phil
approved Dec 29 2003, submitted Dec 27 2003 by anonymous user
Does anyone have any lab assistant stories? Ours were really retarded, but never got up to anything genuinely evil. Lab Assistant stories are welcome, so long as they aren't just "our lab assistant used to be really stupid and shuffled around with test tube racks and never said anything." Did anyone ever get into that special lab assistant room? Did they ever touch you? There? In that special place that daddy told you was where Socky The Hand Puppet had dinner? Do you remember Socky's strange, asymmetrical eyes, and looking for the place where he hid until daddy brought him out?
approved Nov 24 2002, submitted Nov 24 2002 by Jon Blyth
KEITH We had two lab assistants at school. A normal one, and Keith. In your first physics lesson at school, the teacher told you never to tap him on the shoulder or surprise him from behind, due to his epilepsy. We just had to find out, so there followed an evil version of "What's the time Mr Wolf?" where we crept up when he had his back turned and froze as he spun round, pretending we weren't doing anything, with him freaking out more and more as we got closer and closer, until finally we were within tapping distance, by which time he was frothing at the mouth and the teacher would turn up. "What's happened to Keith?" "Dunno sir - he just started going he OK sir?" Keith, a god-fearing fellow, also went to church every Sunday, often driving his tiny MG. One Sunday a group of boys from the school, picked his car up, moved it across the church driveway, and wrote "666" in the gravel where the car had been. It took them a LONG time to sort him out after that one....
approved Nov 24 2002, submitted Nov 24 2002 by Nick Malden
When Paul the lab technician was discovered by three pupils looking at some of the most unorthodox sex the net has to offer; fistings, animals, and combinations of the two, he gave us the biggest smile I've ever seen, as if to say "great stuff, eh?", and carried on saving the pictures onto a floppy disc. This all seemed very wrong.
approved Nov 24 2002, submitted Nov 24 2002 by Philip Smith
We had two scary female (I think) lab assistants. One of them earned the name "The Turkey" from the way she carried herself. I dont remember the other one, but they both possessed the ability to appear in any classroom almost at will through an ingenious network of doors seemingly designed by the Ministry of defence during WW2.
approved May 2 2003, submitted Dec 17 2002 by Chris Williams
One kid in my English class got a big glob of chewing gum stuck in his hair. The teacher (knowing full well what would happen) told him to go up to the chemistry labs and see one of the lab assistants, they would have a special chemical that would remove the gum. He went up there and told the lab assistant on duty of his predicament, she took a big pair of scissors out of her desk, and viciously hacked the gum and about a quarter of the hair from his head.
approved May 2 2003, submitted Jan 24 2003 by Andrew Osler
Dianne, mid 40's, quite attractive, clad in leather trousers and thus clearly into bondage. She would enter a classroom to a resounding chorus of whip-crack noises from all the lads.

Anyone kept behind after class was coerced into sordid S&M sex games. Probably.
approved Apr 21 2003, submitted Apr 5 2003 by Dan Huxton
We had a lab assistant that looked very much like nanny from Count Duckula, white hair and everything. Cries of ducky-poos! were not un-common whilst waiting to be let into class.
approved Oct 9 2003, submitted Sep 24 2003 by Name Withheld
We had a penfold-like lab assistant called Mr. Collett, who was very gentle and sweet.
In our second hand Chemistry Textbooks, I found an elaborate heart on one of the diagrams inscribing the words "I love Mr. Collett". These were dotted throughout the book.
I pointed these out to the great amusement of my surrounding peers, until I thoughtfully checked the front of the book, to be greeted with the name of my older sister.
As this was my first week at the school, I became quickly known as "that guy whose sister shagged the mole".
approved Oct 5 2004, submitted Apr 25 2004 by Blue Jamie
Mr Hartshorne, (aka Dribbler as he had a peculiar misfortune of uncontrollably overactive saliva glands), wasn't a small man, roughly 5ft 10 inches square. He only had two labcoats; one which caught fire, and the other which stank of what he claimed was "chemicals". Well, I suppose 'stinky man sweat' and 'middleaged musk' are technically 'chemicals'.
Also, the back of said labcoat sported a veritable rainbow of coloured spots, where pupils had kindly decided to decorate his back with flicked fountain pen ink when he had turned around.
Is a member of the Chocolate Tasters Club.
approved Jul 15 2005, submitted Jul 13 2005 by Name Withheld
We had two lab assistants, one of either gender.
The male was not the usual, timid sort. He would stop and stand in the middle of the lab, put his hands on his hips, and push his crotch forward and look around, as if to say "See! I have a penis, teenaged girls! Look in the direction of my out-thrust penis!"
The female once blew a large blob of blood and snot out of her nose, into the full beaker she was carrying, when she laughed at one of the Chemistry teacher's bad jokes.
This painted a nice enough picture of their married life between classrooms - him waving his cock around and her laughing blood onto it.
approved Nov 29 2005, submitted Jul 26 2005 by Hannah Peterson
Bending a ladybird book in the middle, and using it as a steering wheel whilst "driving" along the lines of the netball pitch. Most importantly, laughing at the kids doing it when they turn the "wheel" going into a bend, and don't straighten up again afterwards, and thereby should be walking round in a circle. The idiots.
approved Nov 24 2002, submitted Nov 24 2002 by Simon Harriyott
I heard this on the bus today, and a child said it, so I think it counts. Two boys were talking to each other, and the younger one said "I had a ladybird on my hand. I stroked it, and it trumped on me." I laughed out loud, and their father looked disapprovingly at me. I felt like I was in assembly.
approved Nov 24 2002, submitted Nov 24 2002 by Jon Blyth
"We play the Lambeth way,
Not like you but a bit more gay
And when we have a bit of fun
Oh, boy."

When we gathered around the piano to sing this Broadway hit in primary school, we were specifically warned not to titter at the line containing 'gay'. I wasn't listening, and was therefore surprised to be the only one giggling.

The teacher snapped at me - which was quite unfair, considering that I saw nothing intrinsically funny about the word 'gay' and was only laughing to curry favour with more popular classmates.

Anyway, the song was written by Noel Gay. Draw your own conclusions.
approved Dec 14 2002, submitted Dec 14 2002 by Paul Equinox Collins
The monster that we had to be during a session of Live Role-Playing.
This involved us waiting for an hour in a damp cave for the bold party of adventurers, being restricted to a naff sideways movement, and having five lads with wooden swords twat you long after your Hit Points had technically disappeared.
Another reason to hate role-playing scum.
approved Mar 11 2003, submitted Mar 10 2003 by Chris Warren
Jon Dale was discovered furiously knocking one out over a pencil drawing of an "Elven Cheerleader" in a bedraggled copy of White Dwarf magazine. We never played "Blood Bowl" again.
approved Apr 21 2003, submitted Mar 27 2003 by Nick Hunt
The evil glare a teacher would give you after some minor wrongdoing. The more brave the recipient the worse the burn, causing some pupils to fall off their chair screaming "my eyes, I can't see" or suchlike. Pupils can give the teacher laser eyes in return by holding pencils, pens and rulers next to their eyes directed at the teacher until he asks you to "stop being so bloody stupid and put those things down, Christ!"
approved May 2 2003, submitted Apr 4 2003 by Nath Dogg
A very simple game, that we played in French Classes, the last person to sit down after entering the classroom wins. Despite the simplicity, it's quite amusing the lengths we would go to so as not to sit down.
approved Dec 17 2002, submitted Dec 16 2002 by Will Needham
In our school the winner of this game was held in such high regard that it was acceptable to try to convince the teacher that you had piles. Possibly because we didn't really know what piles were - but hey, that wouldn't stop you being beaten up on any other occasion.
approved Apr 15 2005, submitted Jan 11 2005 by Squiffy Johnson
The film 'The Sting' had a great impact on us. If someone arrived 5 minutes late to class, they would fling the door open and announce "Sorry I'm late guys, I was taking a crap" in a terrible American accent.

Note: You can only get away with this in Steve Pack's geography class.
approved Jun 16 2007, submitted Jul 28 2006 by Creeda hoffer
I have been fortunate enough to have had two Latin teachers at secondary school. Both were quite, quite mad, and via extrapolation I have concluded that being clinically insane is a prerequisite for teaching schoolboys the classics.

For my first year I had a fairly old but otherwise physically normal man possessing a fixation on dogs, the British TV show Animal Hospital and classical comedies. He looked startlingly like a non-murderous version of Doctor Shipman.

The other teacher is a wild cross between William Hague, Kelsey Grammer and Steve Ballmer with startling taste in clothes and shirts which compulsively expose his navel. Is easily sucked into prurient discussions, sometimes initiating them himself through use of personal cliches, the most common of which is "As the actress said to the bishop.", frequently appended to any vaguely unusual statement. We keep count of the number of times he says this per lesson. He was once witnessed reading a copy of the Daily Sport and, when wound up, says the word "arse" repeatedly without hesitation.
approved Oct 1 2003, submitted Sep 7 2003 by Leopold Bloom
Leopold Bloom, we'd like to ask you to be PL's resident egghead. We will call you "Professor" and imagine all your posts to come from a supple leather armchair. (Like Roald Dahl in Tales of the Unexpected.) This is based purely on you having latin lessons and being called "Leopold Bloom". Nothing else. Your job will be to bring a level of class to the site, and to make occasional, ribald double entendres. Hope this is ok with you.
approved Oct 9 2003, submitted Oct 3 2003 by Susan Tobacco
I'd gladly do so, Susan, but I keep forgetting my damn password.
approved Oct 10 2003, submitted Oct 9 2003 by anonymous user
Playground Law in a nutshell, Ladies and Gentlemen.
approved Oct 14 2003, submitted Oct 10 2003 by Susan Tobacco

Such was our latin teachers love of classical civilization, he used his pupils in an attempt to re-create Ancient Rome in his class.
He got us to dress up in togas (using the long red velvet classroom curtains), and then "show me how you recline like a Roman" - in other words, get 13 year-olds to dress in a suspect way and then lay on a desk in front of him for his approval.
Ok, so we weren't brutally sodomised or even forced to whack him off, but it was all a bit odd, no ?
approved Oct 22 2003, submitted Oct 10 2003 by uncle monty
My first year Latin teacher Trendy Wendy once substituted in a PE lesson and took us swimming. The pre-pubescent tension was palpable as we waited for her to leave the changing room because, even though she was not fit, none of us had never seen a female teacher in a swimming cossy before. When she emerged, the gasps were audible, though not because she was a vision of loveliness.

Instead, we were confronted with the sight of what appeared to be a large spider trying to escape from under the material of her costume between her legs. No-one heard a single word that she said, as to a boy we stood in dazed silence, staring at her curly clock springs.
approved Apr 22 2005, submitted Oct 14 2003 by The Sheep
Particular to second-rate comprehensive schools with delusions of grandeur. We 'shared' a Latin teacher with a grammar school (why she decided to put herself through this ordeal is a mystery to me). Much humour derived from feigning sympathy with her obvious jewish roots. This culminated with one boy's assertion that his father died in a concentration camp, with the teacher's initial empathy then undermined with the revelation that he 'fell off the watchtower'. Suspension and much hilarity ensued. Roman history elements of syllabus also enlivened by repeatedly mispronouncing 'hypocaust' as 'holocaust'.
approved Nov 24 2002, submitted Nov 24 2002 by DG
Laughter is inappropriate both when you are told that your Geography teacher is dead, and also when some rich bitch comes into class in tears because her smack-head aunt had become a cabbage and had her life support turned off. Inappropriate, but irresistible.
approved Mar 10 2003, submitted Mar 9 2003 by Kate S
Laughter is also apparently inappropriate when the Scout leader who once stopped you sneaking out during the night on camp to shag the first girl you ever loved cops it in a car accident.

It is especially inappropriate when accompanied by thrusting your arms into the air and shouting "Hey lads, Giddy's dead!" in joyous tones. This can lead to push-ups beyond number being administered by Giddy's fellow scout leader and best friend who is stood behind you.
approved Aug 1 2005, submitted Jul 30 2005 by Gotty Gotty
During assembly our headmaster announced that our former German teacher who had an (unfounded)reputation for being gay was enjoying his new position at a boys school in Birmingham. The entire fourth year erupted in laughter and detentions whizzed through the year like bullets on the Somme. The casualty rate was high in those terrible minutes. Smirking and giggling with hand in front of face were vigorously dealt with while the two boys who began to simulate buggery while shouting "ich bin Herr Gay" were removed by Teacher snatch-squads and only returned some hours later after parental phone calls.
approved Aug 5 2005, submitted Aug 2 2005 by Tony Green
Mr. Johnson: "In 1945, the American army dropped an atomic bomb on Hiroshima."
Tom: "Gutted!"
approved Aug 3 2005, submitted Aug 2 2005 by Charlie Webb
You risked this if you put a pencil in your mouth, even for just a split second. If you were stupid enough to even give the end of your pencil a little kiss, everyone would scream "what is wrong with you?" and "do you want to die or something?"

Some people would be so concerned about your well-being that they would punch you. Later, someone pointed out that the pencils were made out of graphite, and not lead. This didn't stop the panic, because graphite poisoning was about ten times worse, you fucking idiot with your crazy deathwish.

Log says:
If you do succumb to lead poisoning, your blood will turn black in your veins. This is only lethal when the black blood reaches your heart, giving you minutes to run around screaming "I can see it in my arm, I'm going to die".
approved Oct 14 2011, submitted Apr 7 2003 by Name Withheld
The human variety of lead poisoning (popular amongst swans) can most easily be caught from the graphite in pencils. Once you have caught lead poisoning (chemical symbol Pb) from graphite (an allotrope of Carbon, C), you can trace your imminent demise by looking at your veins, which will turn black.
When this black, poisoned blood reaches your heart, you will die. The only way to slow this process down, so that you can run home and tell your parents that you're sorry that the last thing you said to them this morning was "I hate school, and I hate YOU", is by pressing one finger over the poisoned vein, which will temporarily 'pause' your circulatory system.
Once you have made your peace with the world, let go, and accept the inevitable.
approved Nov 19 2004, submitted Nov 18 2004 by Jon Blyth
Autumn. A junior school in Essex. Three boys in the year above geekily elected not to spend their break times committing unprovoked acts of violence like the rest of us, but instead devoted their energies to collecting all the leaves in the playground, tidying them into a pile in the corner, thereby making a better, leaf-free world for all of us. Cunts.
Of course you could wait until they had a really, really big pile and then try running full pelt into it, kicking leaves everywhere while shouting "A HA HA HA HA HA! WANKERS!".
However, more sophisticated fun awaited us when one day a small shit was spied in the middle of the playground. Fox? Cat? No matter. No-one spoke. We all knew what had to happen.
A leaf was procured and dropped carefully on the shit, obscuring it. "Kristen! Kristen! a leaf for your pile!", a child called to Kristen Barnes. He came over. He picked up the leaf, and the shit with it.
"What?" he said, as our laughs rose and combined in one wall of white noise at his stupid, vacant face, his hand smeared with shit, and his slightly drooling, gaping mouth.
approved Jul 29 2006, submitted Mar 27 2006 by Dave Chips
Never the brightest candle on the cake, Gibson only reached legendary status when he climbed an electricity pylon. He was catapulted 50 feet from the pylon, and his IQ was safely relegated to Sunday Stegosaurus League. Our joy was enhanced; not only did it prove his immortality, he came back to us new and improved. He was 'leccy Gibbo.
approved Nov 24 2002, submitted Nov 24 2002 by Andy Farley
A form of perversion based on the insertion of a lego flagpole up - of course - the arse. If girls ever did this sort of thing, then maybe there'd be something interesting stuck up the front bumhole, but no. Girls either didn't do this sort of stuff, or don't talk about it, or don't visit my website. Aha - probably the latter. I've only just thought of that.
approved Nov 24 2002, submitted Nov 24 2002 by Jon Blyth, Dan Wakely
Someone gave me a link to a picture on of a woman with a fork in her 'front bottom.' Is that the type of thing you're after?
approved Jul 24 2003, submitted Jul 12 2003 by Davy .
Not entirely true Log, when having a conversation on this particular subject with one of my ex-girlfriends (name omitted for legal reasons) I was informed that as an eight year old discovering the intricacies of the female form, she had once experimented with the leg of a Barbie doll. My all too prompt request to re-enact the sordid scene was unfortunately declined.
Bloody woman never did let me have any fun.
approved Sep 17 2003, submitted Aug 18 2003 by Mouse Harden
Jenny Turrell used to look like Jimmy Nail. This would lead to people interrupting conversations she was having, to inform the other person "she's lying", just like in the hit song "Ain't No Doubt".
She says
I don't want nobody else, I love you
She's lying
There won't be somebody else and that's true
She's lying
Say you'll always be my friend sweet darling

Note that Jimmy says "she's lying" more than once, so it was perfectly acceptable for us to do the same. Anyway, it was rumoured that Jenny stuck Lynx Deodorant and a kind of plant up her arse. Her denials were ably met with;
"She's lying."
approved Sep 22 2005, submitted Jul 29 2005 by anonymous user
An unwilling Jack Russell terrier can be coerced into licking ones scrotum by the simple application of lemon curd to ones parts.
approved Jan 2 2004, submitted Dec 31 2003 by Ginger Avenger