The Law of the Playground
the letter q
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Combination of 'quadroplegic' and 'donkey'. And that's it.
approved Jan 24 2003, submitted Jan 9 2003 by Unta Falozzi
An ever-evolving gentlemen's society which began by setting up a club where three of us would all cram ourselves into a big drawer under a friend's bed and pull it closed.
When the (clearly) limited point of such a club was realised, it evolved its practices thusly:
Reading comics in the drawer.
Reading comics next to the drawer.
Putting George in the drawer.
Putting George in the drawer until he begged for release.
Hitting George.
Stealing from George.
The society was forced to disband with the arrival of homemade ninja weapons and a trip to hospital for George and his newly grounded friends.
approved Dec 20 2005, submitted Dec 7 2005 by Tony Green
After the release of Total Recall, we happily had a kid in our year called Quiad, the name of Arnold's hero in the film. A rather routine session of imitating the alien/mutant's cries of "Quaaaaaaaaid" until he started crying became elevated slightly when his older brother found him, and asked him why he was so upset. When little Quaid said "They keep calling me Quaid", big Quaid simply replies "It's your name, you stupid cunt," and punches him in the face.
approved Nov 24 2002, submitted Nov 24 2002 by Jamie McFayden
A vaginal fart. Also useful for attracting the attention of Keith, who will say "what?" Hilarity will be waiting just around the corner.
approved Oct 5 2005, submitted Aug 25 2005 by Alana S
My Canadian girlfriend insists that in her country of birth, a vaginal fart is called a 'quiff'. This makes it very difficult to talk about Elvis, Morrissey or my own hairstyle without her erupting into fits of laughter.

Maybe she's just taking the piss out of your RIDICULOUS HAIRCUT. Especially when you consider that your nickname is Squiff- Matt
approved Oct 15 2005, submitted Oct 13 2005 by Name Withheld
A cruel and unusual punishment, wherein the intended victim is held very firmly to the floor. Then, whoever has the sweatiest ringpeice pulls down his own pants and gently lowers it onto the nose of the receiver. Why this is called a Queenie, I don't know.
approved Nov 24 2002, submitted Nov 24 2002 by Blacky
The form of career guidance that takes into account your grades, your personal strengths, your desires, and your requests of wonderful careers such as 'monkey butler' or 'sock puppet trainer', and tells you to enter accountancy.
approved Nov 24 2002, submitted Nov 24 2002 by Andrew M
There was a bizarre computer program at our school where you entered your potential grades in GCSE/A Level, filled in a questionnaire about your likes and dislikes, and in return got a list of jobs that were right for you. I got 'Blacksmith' and 'Fast Food Manager'. Fortunately, the accuracy of the offending program has been proved to be questionable at best. Though I suppose it would be quite nice, being a blacksmith.
approved Nov 24 2002, submitted Nov 24 2002 by Paddy
This was called a Cascade form and you did indeed do the above. I was told that I should be a Gold and Silver Jewellery Maker. I now work as an Internet Manager.
approved Nov 24 2002, submitted Nov 24 2002 by Anon
cor - which internet do you manage?
approved Nov 24 2002, submitted Nov 24 2002 by Jon Blyth
I think the whole Cascade system was programmed by disaffected wimmin.
approved Nov 24 2002, submitted Nov 24 2002 by Gareth Williams
Anybody else have a comparative career development? Did you take the Cascade Form and actually become a blacksmith? And if the program actually recommends blacksmithery, did anyone get advised to become a Knight's Squire, or a Sales Assistant at the local Apothecary?
approved Nov 24 2002, submitted Nov 24 2002 by Jon Blyth
We did a similar one called Jig-Cal or somesuch. It suggested I become a Parole Officer; Butch Garry was instructed to become a roof-hanger and Camp Kevin's career was to be a Florist.
approved Feb 6 2003, submitted Jan 28 2003 by anonymous user
A couple of years ago I can remember people in my class getting things like 'lifeguard' and the ubiquitous 'undertaker', but i think i hold the claim to the best career ever suggested.
Scientific Glass Blower. Honestly.
approved Mar 27 2003, submitted Feb 11 2003 by Louise Jenkins
We also did a Jig-Cal. I (and possibly only 3 other people in the year) were told to become leather technologists. Quite what leather technology is I don't know but we were advised that you could do a course in it at some dubious ex polytechnic university in England.
approved May 20 2003, submitted Mar 18 2003 by anonymous user
I did Cascaid - and take serious issue with the 'aid' part of the name. It told me to be a Pet Shop Owner. I am a magazine editor.
approved Sep 9 2003, submitted Aug 14 2003 by spadge monkey
I distinctly remember jiig-cal advising me to go into fish farm management.
On a related topic I told the Trident work experience people of my love for animals, and my desire to work with them. I was sent to the notoriously cruel animal testing lab at Huntingdon Life Science.
approved Oct 2 2003, submitted Sep 8 2003 by LE munky
We also used Jig-Cal. In the days when children were better programmers than adults, one friend managed to adapt the program so that whatever choices you made, no matter how much you loved animals or wigs, you were always advised to give up your education and become a Mujahadeen Freedom Fighter immediately.
approved Sep 30 2004, submitted Jan 12 2004 by anonymous user
I was told I should be a photographer's assistant. I'm now a teacher, and took the test again, to see if my results would be changed by world experience, and a more profound insight into the workings of the program.
Nope. Photographer's assistant.
approved Oct 6 2004, submitted Apr 18 2004 by anonymous user
Everybody in my year (and I do mean everybody) got "Marine Biologist" and "Funeral Director" as two of their choices. There was obviously something wrong with the program, but I can't talk about it now. I've got funerals to direct and deep sea divers to cremate.
approved May 19 2005, submitted May 19 2005 by Dan Leonard
I got "Oceanic Cartographer". This was due, I suspect, to the fact that I could (a) swim, and, (b) colour-in maps really well without going outside the lines or anything.
Don't know if I could have done it underwater, mind.
approved Oct 23 2005, submitted Oct 21 2005 by anonymous user
I always got 'masseuse';
I suspect they meant 'whore'.
approved Dec 3 2005, submitted Dec 2 2005 by Nicky w
I found that if you deviously manipulate your answers in an attempt to get it to say, perhaps, "vet" or "nurse", thus making you appear the "sensitive type", you are still highly unlikely to shag Sally Francis.
approved Dec 6 2005, submitted Dec 5 2005 by Tony Green
I DID shag Sally Francis at college, and she wasn't bothered about sensitive types at all.
Trust me, I'm a RIGHT CUNT. She fucking loved it, as well.
Sally, if you're reading this, please DO get in touch and let us know what sort of guy you go for: sensitive, like Tony Green says; or RIGHT CUNT like our anonymous and, I suspect, poorly hung user suggests? DO you love it? And don't forget to send us some pictures, as well - Mansh
approved Dec 14 2005, submitted Dec 14 2005 by anonymous user
A hairless (esp. pubeless) male individual who has showered in the company of more virile boys and been seen for the queggy girl that he is.
approved Nov 24 2002, submitted Nov 24 2002 by Andrew Nash
An example of which would be Steve Camm, who despite thinking he was uber-cool, with his blazer collar turned up and an ability to pull birds, was completely bald around his ridiculously tiny cock.
(Readers! Do you want to vent an old resentment in an unsupportable way, like Carlos the Jackal? Were you forced to imagine cool people having sex while you drew dragons, like me? If so, why not start a website about it? - Log)
approved May 2 2003, submitted Apr 16 2003 by Carlos the Jackal
A mid-Wales term insult that had three simultaneous meanings. It meant, predictably enough, that you were gay, lesbian, hermaphrodite, or all three.
The porn-star possibilities that being a gay lesbian hermaphrodite would open up to you are cock-, tits-, ass- and mind-blowing.
approved Sep 29 2004, submitted May 7 2004 by Ronnie Spangle
Queynte, a noun occuring in Chaucer's Canterbury Tales. The Miller, being a sanguine and bawdy character, was prone to grabbing women by their queynte, much like a cross between a bowling ball and a mitten.
In the same way you can briefly get away with the word bastard during discussions of Nativity Plays, reading the Miller's Tale is the one time you can say the word cunt to a teacher, safe in the knowledge that you are appreciating an etymology, and not simply saying cunt.
approved Nov 18 2003, submitted Nov 6 2003 by Jimbo B.
I'm sure the word 'testicles' is in the Bible some where. Can anyone back me up here? Maybe I just read 'Genesis' and thought it said 'genitals'.
Thanks for your Bible query, Jamie. A quick search of bible.com has just thrown up the fact that the word testicles does not appear in the Bible. Other slightly sexy books of the Bible you might be getting confused are Sexodus, Bumbers, Gaymos, or Bonah - Log)
approved Dec 10 2003, submitted Nov 29 2003 by matronboy ngggg.
Regarding the testicles thing; the original texts, in Aramaic and so forth, do contain words that can be translated as "testicles". However, since the kind of person who can be arsed to translate a dull and badly written piece of fiction into English are exactly the kind of person who will baulk at using the word "testicles", you will not often find a version of the bible containing the word "testicles".
However, you can find a version of the bible containing fashion tips and dating advice, including the gem that "God made guys to be the leaders, so girls shouldn't ever ask guys out or call a guy". I shit you not.
approved Dec 12 2003, submitted Dec 6 2003 by Jimbo B.
"He that is wounded in the stones, or hath his privy member cut off, shall not enter into the congregation of the LORD." Deuteronomy 23:1
approved Apr 15 2005, submitted Dec 27 2004 by Ross Gillson
At the end of the year, when kids were clearing out their desks and didn't want stuff any more, they would hold up an item and shout "Quiz!". The first kid to respond with a yell of "Eggo!" was given the item. The bidding could get fast and furious, but shouting "eggo!" prematurely was inadvisable, in case you got a gym sock, or some mong child's snot collection, and were honour bound to keep it. The words may be derived from Latin, although Latin was never taught at my school. Odd.
approved Nov 24 2002, submitted Nov 24 2002 by Katy
Could also be reversed by the offeree with a call of "eggo" to confuse the slow-witted who failed to answer with "quiz".
approved Nov 24 2002, submitted Nov 24 2002 by Ben Preece
I seem to remember that there is the answer "veins", which is said after "eggo" which means you can't give the thing back. Great for when you've just given away a rotten apple core or a dirty syringe, or something.

Re: the Latin - "quiz" - who "ego" - I "veins" << don't know but possibly of French derision? None?
approved Sep 26 2003, submitted Sep 24 2003 by Imogen Hitchcock
And the non-boarding school version: quizzing a sweet after sticking it up your bum.
(WHAT? What are you talking about, anonymous user? Why would you quiz a sweet after sticking it up your bum?
"Why were you up my bum, sweet?"
You put it there, you buffoon/'nana!
Not to mention that
egginess doesn't apply to things actually being up your bum. That's sulphurous farts, not shit-smeared Swizzle Sticks you've had jammed up your ring. Leave this website immediately. If you haven't already left it in the nine months since you posted this entry. Sorry!
approved Sep 30 2004, submitted Dec 14 2003 by anonymous user
A joyless rubber hoop from really early PE classes, where they didn't think you capable of using something so wildly complex as a ball. Accompanied by little bean bags that can in no way be used into conjunction with the quoits. Especially in Roman Catholic schools, where balls are considered too much fun, and sexy.
approved Nov 24 2002, submitted Nov 24 2002 by Dan Wakely