The Law of the Playground
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Graham Barnes was a very special boy. He had to have an orange for dessert at lunch because normal puddings like angel delight or jelly would DO things to him. He was pale, thin and quiet.

One day he got up from his chair and walked out of class. A few intrigued souls stuck their heads round the door to be treated to the sight of him shuffling down the corridor with his trousers down, leaving a breadcrumb-esque trail of little poos behind him.

Graham moved to a different school. Many years later I boarded the bus to college and sat down, to be greeted by his smiling face and a jolly "Y'alright?"

I, naturally, could only respond with "don't talk to me, poo-boy!"
approved Oct 26 2011, submitted Jul 30 2005 by Gotty Gotty

The Chocolate Cock (paraphrased)
from "The Talking Teapot and Other Tales" by Enid Blyton

Once there was a piece of chocolate in the shape of a cock. The chocolate cock stood right in the very middle of a sweet-shop window, and all the children came to look at him. He was very proud of himself indeed - as would you be, if you were a huge delicious brown cock.

"I am the Chocolate Cock!" he crowed. "I am the Chocolate Cock! I am the handsomest bird in the world, for I am the Chocolate Cock!"

He was marked a shilling, and none of the children that came to look at the cock could afford to buy him. They just stood and looked at him, to drink in the staggering beauty of the massive over-priced chocolate cock they all wanted so badly to stick in their mouths and drag across their bodies, stencilling the edge of their bot-bots.

Sometimes the feelings in their tummies, a hunger that could not be sated by any other food, led the children to experiment with each other in front of the cock, while it looked at them with its imperious, milky eye. But one day the wife of the Duke of Edinburgh visited the shop, and said she didn't like all the little boys fucking each other outside his shop, so he got a farmer to kill them.
approved Oct 24 2011, submitted May 19 2005 by Jaded Fool
"My name is Mr. Reese. Don't call me grease!", snapped Mr Reese one day. To be honest, the thought had never occurred to us, so it was good of him to make us aware of the possibilities.

More than earning himself a new nickname, Mr Reese's outburst had such a satisfying rhythm to it that it quickly became a popular playground chant.
approved Oct 23 2011, submitted Oct 21 2011 by anonymous user
The accepted linguistic term for fart so perfectly-timed that it lends emphasis or meaning to the surrounding context is pumptuation.
approved Oct 23 2011, submitted Oct 22 2011 by Stuart Laidler
Shhhhhh, don't cry, have a milkshake.

Now, let's rewind and see each of those elements in action.

1. "Shhhhhh" (Extended middle finger held over the lips)

2. "Don't cry..." (Classic 'V' gesture, with each finger running slowly from just below the eyes to about halfway down the cheeks)

3. "Have a milkshake" (Traditional limp-wristed fist shaking 'wanker' gesture)
approved Oct 21 2011, submitted Jul 31 2003 by Matt Sharp
Our class Barry had Barry as a surname, rather than a first name. He compensated for this in two ways:

(1) He only had three fingers on his left hand. In order to avoid drawing attention to this he would keep it in his pocket at all times. No only did this not work at all, it also earned him his first nickname, The Hooded Claw.

(2) Once, whoever wrote the day's roll had terrible writing, while the supply teacher who read it obviously didn't know the names of anyone in the class, and thus spent a good ten minutes attempting to track down someone called "Batsy". This immediately became his second nickname.
approved Oct 21 2011, submitted Oct 21 2011 by anonymous user
The lyrics from Inner City's hit single "Big Fun" could be redirected towards a child as they sit on their own, to throw a spotlight onto how popular they aren't.

"We don't really need a crowd to have a party," you'd reassure them. "Just a funky beat and you to get it started."

The onus would then be on them to get the party started. You can encourage them with other lyrics, including "It won't take a lot of thought for you to do it" and "I think you're ready, Freddie".

A second option is to tell them "you're having big fun" until a bubble of stifled emotion plops out of their nose.
approved Oct 21 2011, submitted Oct 21 2011 by Jon Blyth
Hugh Simms and Michael Torbay were the two coolest guys in our year, but had radically different styles. Simms was a cocky, stocky little cunt with a short fuse and a cruel talent for mimicry. Torbay was more your aesthetic dandy type, enigmatic and aloof.

They were pretty well neck-and-neck in the coolness stakes, until the day in Year 9 that Simms saw Torbay getting ready for a shower after gym, and noticed that instead of grabbing his t-shirt by the collar and dragging it off across his head, Torbay crossed his arms, delicately grabbed the hem of the shirt and lifted it gently up & over in a rolling motion, like a fucking girl.

Once this got around, Simms' #1 Coolest Guy status was undisputed. Not only was Torbay revealed to be a girly undresser, but the deeper implication was that Simms could draw the comparison because he himself had witnessed a girl getting her gear off.

Game set and match, Tor-GAY.
approved Oct 21 2011, submitted Oct 21 2011 by Simon Mantle
Did you swim with David Wilkie? No. Thought not. If you had swam with David Wilkie, you'd be wearing your badge.

I bet you don't even know what David Wilkie looks like. Well, he looks like the guy on my I Swam With David Wilkie badge.

No, I haven't got Sports AIDS. Jesus, you're so jealous.
approved Oct 21 2011, submitted Oct 21 2011 by Jon Blyth
Large cocks drawn on the seats of chairs so that it looked like you had your flaccid member nestling on the seat between your legs. Tipp-Ex was ideal for adding two or three drops of flying jism.

Not to be confused with a more sinister nob, drawn further back on the seat. If you sat on it this meant that you thought it was a real nob, and you had leapt onto it in the hope that you would get bummed by classroom furniture.
approved Oct 20 2011, submitted Apr 28 2006 by Stephen Noonan
No sooner had the Biafrans and Ethiopians all been fed with cheeseburgers and said "thanks the West we couldn't eat another thing", the Cambodians started starving too. So Blue Peter wheeled out the thermometers again, and did what Blue Peter did best - distilled an involved tale of tragedy into a single word insult.

"Cambo" wasn't used to insult the thin kids. The pot-belly of malnutrition made it look like those poor, poor children had been walking like Pac-Men, greedily scoffing air.

A Cambo was therefore a child so desperate for food that they will eat air or sand in addition to their already huge rations of chips and Aztec bars.
approved Oct 20 2011, submitted Feb 29 2004 by Name Withheld

Benson was the butler in Soap. He was so loved in America for being a servile black man surrounded by his white betters, that he got his own series. So, if you asked anyone for a favour, they would comply grudgingly, and say "just call me Benson".

John: Steven, could you pass me that book?
Steven: Tch, for God's sake. Just call me Benson, why don't you?

At some stage, this developed into a full rendition of the theme tune to Soap, whenever anyone was asked to do anything.
approved Oct 20 2011, submitted Jul 29 2006 by v mac
What's got two thumbs, puts itching powder down someone's back in the tuck shop queue, then agrees to sell his surplus itching powder to the victim so he'd be better prepared, in case of future itching powder attacks?

This guy. (I'm gesturing with my two thumbs at myself)
approved Oct 19 2011, submitted Oct 17 2011 by Larry the Dwarf
All you have to do is make someone say the same thing twice. After they say the same phrase for the second time, you shout TWICE! in their face, and run away laughing to tell your friends how you just twiced someone, and it was amazing.

Stakes could be raised by twicing teachers, or twicing someone twice.
approved Oct 18 2011, submitted Oct 15 2011 by Alistair Hatch
Richard Stock reckoned he was the hardest kid in our school. He also reckoned he could do a shit, and that before it broke off, he could suck it back into his arse. Turned out he was wrong.

Squatting naked before a circle of encouraging adolescent boys, he parted his buttocks with both hands and duly delivered an inch of log from his dilated anus. So far so good, but before his piece de resistance could ensure his legendary status, an involuntary spasm prematurely snipped the turd.

An gasp swept through the crowd. It was like watching a high-wire walker sway from side to side. A high-wire walker whose arsecheeks were festooned with bob.

He was forced to waddle from the changing room to the toilet, to wipe his chuff. He returned clutching a ball of toilet paper, atop of which was a solid lump of shit. Sensing he had face to regain, he planted the stool to the forehead of James Turner, the computer-liking type who had been trying to get changed without getting involved.

Turner's reaction of disbelief at this squalid turn of events inpired instant remorse from Richard, who offered "I'm sorry James, that was too far. You know I'd stand up for you if I ever saw you in trouble."

Like, if someone had daubed your face with shit.
approved Oct 17 2011, submitted Jan 27 2007 by Mark Redding
The phrase poofs like bum love all afternoon allows school-children - or, if I'm being honest, army medics - to remember the parts of the left side of the heart. It also reminds you to be extra-diligent at lunchtime, when gay men are like Gremlins in a swimming pool.
approved Oct 17 2011, submitted Apr 20 2006 by Tony Green
This wasn't at school - but at work, I can search for members of my company all over the UK. One otherwise useless afternoon I found the member of our Glasgow branch called, wait for it, William Bellend. I can prove it, too.

Log says:
No need! Just had a quick look myself. Turns out he's moved from Glasgow to Rhyl, where he resides in a half-way house for people with fucking ridiculous names.
approved Oct 16 2011, submitted Oct 8 2006 by Ed McGready
An undiscovered anagram of which is "Bad Anal Rim". Thankfully, no-one found out - I had the piss taken quite enough already.
approved Oct 16 2011, submitted Nov 24 2002 by Adrian Lamb
Outrageous assertion by Andrew Bradley, in response to our constant barrage of crap questions. Suddenly, we began to wonder if he was as clever as he said he was.
approved Oct 16 2011, submitted Sep 12 2003 by petrocelli .
When you see an ugly, fat, or disabled person on the street, you may allocate them to your friend by pointing them out and saying "Yours". The more ugly, fat or disabled they are, the better the yours.

Log says:
There are ways around this, for the person in receipt of the ugly, fat or disabled person. First, look for any attractive people nearby, and pretend they meant him. "What, the nude man with big brown nips? Thanks!"

If they try to correct you, acknowledge the intended target, look academic for a moment, and say "no, you can't mean him - he's legally yours". If there is no attractive person, simply front it out with "yeah, and he's got a massive cock, I love it".
approved Oct 16 2011, submitted Oct 15 2011 by anonymous user