The Law of the Playground
the pupil report of
petrocelli .
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Particularly effective if coupled with Geordie word for 'man', 'gadgey'.
approved Nov 18 2003, submitted Nov 10 2003 by petrocelli .
What followed was the most wonderfully-timed fart by, otherwise spoddy, Ross Laidler in assembly. Had me in tears, and also proved to be one of the most pungent in school history causing a first year girl to be sick into her hands.
approved Oct 1 2003, submitted Sep 24 2003 by petrocelli .
There was a Barry at our school, who incredibly wasn't a geek, fat, or stupid. Unfortunately his surname was Tease. So, boys howled 'Ooooh Barry is a Tease' in the gayest way imaginable. Actually, even gayer than that.
So he might as well have been a geek, fat, or stupid for all the bullying he got.
approved Sep 25 2003, submitted Sep 24 2003 by petrocelli .
Hull notwithstanding, quite possibly the shittest place on Earth. Widely documented in the Tricolore series - Chantal habite a La Rochelle - La Rochelle was a fishing village. Not only it a transparent shithole, it was populated by what appeared to be sex criminals and very hairy women.
"Le boucher qui travail a La Rochelle, il touche les enfants, parce que son pouse ne rase pas ses aisselles."
approved Sep 24 2003, submitted Sep 24 2003 by petrocelli .
Ill-advised and all-too-camp exclamation by Mr Brown, obviously not content with having such an ordinary name. It became brilly burgers for at least 5 years.
approved Sep 24 2003, submitted Sep 24 2003 by petrocelli .
Similarly lacking in mental agility was crime-ambitious Peter Wynne who decided to loot our local post office's sweet counter.
Not entirely devoid of logical thought, Peter got there as early as possible, to minimise witnesses, donned his open faced balaclava and thieved as much as he could, before the post mistress had a thrombo.
Peter ran home, mission emphatically accomplished, the perfect crime, perfectly executed.
Until the police collared him at his house about 10 minutes later. Was it a trail of dropped Kola Kubes that grassed poor Peter up? Nothing so unmoronic... it was the perfect set of footprints in that morning's fresh snowfall.
Peter's was betrayed by his own Gola copies. Seriously, though. Gola copies. You might as well Xerox a cat turd.
approved Apr 21 2005, submitted Sep 24 2003 by petrocelli .
Outrageous claim from Paul Walker that the loose cannon Geordie cop played by Jimmy Nail was, in fact, his dad. However, rather than an attempt to command awe and authority, it was simply an excuse to say 'how bastard!' and headbutt someone.
Based on the mispresumption that headbutting people is genetic, and not just a symptom of living in Newcastle.
approved Oct 2 2003, submitted Sep 19 2003 by petrocelli .
Outrageous assertion by Andrew Bradley, in response to our constant barrage of crap questions. Suddenly, we began to wonder if he was as clever as he said he was.
approved Oct 16 2011, submitted Sep 12 2003 by petrocelli .
Not what you want to hear about your English teacher, when she's got a face like a fire-damaged lego brick and a body like The Raggydoll's Sadsack. You'll spend the rest of your English lessons trying desperately not to imagine her naked.
And constantly, constantly, failing.
approved Jul 13 2004, submitted Sep 11 2003 by petrocelli .
When asked to read out loud, bear in mind that one of two scenarios will always prevail;
  1. A child not making mistakes would be jabbed in the ribs with a ruler. This would make his voice break, allowing everyone to call him a girl.
  2. A word would be seriously mispronounced (for example, the Christopher Frame Orange-Ootang incident). This word would become one's nickname for the foreseeable future.
A third, more dangerous path, was to add references to the last film you had seen into the book you were reading, largely by shouting "pyow, you're dead meat sucka" in the middle of Charlotte's Web.
approved Apr 19 2005, submitted Sep 11 2003 by petrocelli .
Taxing could, however, be countered by the cunning use of a 'super tax' - it was in monopoly, therefore could be used legitimately. Unfortunately with nowhere to go after super tax - mega tax wasn't allowed - many decided that 'you bent twat' and a fight was the next logical conclusion. Which it was. And still is.
approved Sep 11 2003, submitted Sep 9 2003 by petrocelli .
The first Gulf War prompted no moral discussion on the ethics of modern warfare. It did provide a sparkling new range of insults. Out went threatening to 'smack' someone and in came the terror-inducing 'I'll scud you in the eye', for example.

The 'exocet' shot was introduced to football, and everybody called Colin was re-christened Colon after Colon Powell.
approved Apr 25 2005, submitted Sep 8 2003 by petrocelli .