The Law of the Playground
the pupil report of
Phil Glansvile
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At first sight, Louise Elliot is not the most profane name that could be given to a child. Parents with the surname Elliot could generally feel comfortable that naming their baby daughter Louise will leave her safe from ridicule from her peers. It's just ordinary, isn't it?
In the hands of a master japester such as Stephen Foster, however, every single syllable is ripe for scatological sarcasm. And thus your child shall forever be tarred with the monicker Poo Wees Smelly Butt.
I've no idea what Stephen Foster is doing now, but if there's any justice in the world he should be editing books of babies' names to warn parents about just this sort of thing.
approved May 26 2006, submitted May 23 2006 by Phil Glansvile
Ezekiel 23:20 talks about a woman who enjoys the company of lovers who are hung like donkeys and who can ejaculate like horses.

Editors note. We were a bit sceptical about this claim, but it turns out that it bloody well does. And how about 23:21? "So you longed for the lewdness of your youth, when in Egypt your bosom was caressed and your young breasts fondled. Phew! It seems that the whole of Ezekiel 23 is pretty damn filthy. It starts off like the premise of a Tania Russof movie and ends up in a Tarantinoesque bloodbath. The smutty bible-writing perverts.
approved Sep 25 2005, submitted Aug 25 2005 by anonymous user, Phil Glansvile
If Mary Poppins had been released in 1934 instead of 30 years later, the unofficial anthem of the SS would surely have been;
Let's go fry a kike
Let's set them all alight
Let's go fry a kike
And send them roaring
Up to the atmosphere
Until the race is clear
Oh let's go fry a kike

This does nothing for the claims that Walt Disney held anti-semitic views. It doesn't really do me any favours, either.
approved Jul 27 2005, submitted Jul 27 2005 by Phil Glansvile
Belm back at you all; Sweden maintained an offical position of neutrality in WWII while 'secretly' supporting the Nazis. Tony is thus well within his rights to mock them for not standing up to Adolf when England called.
approved Jun 24 2005, submitted Jun 19 2005 by Phil Glansvile
9:50am is Cowboy Time. If someone asks you the time, and it is 9:50am, you must tell them that it is Cowboy Time. It's a fair bet that you'll be met with a blank stare, in which case you can launch into the following rendition of the Lone Ranger theme song*
Ten to ten to ten-ten-ten
Ten to ten to ten-ten-ten
Ten to ten to ten-ten-ten
Tennn to ten ten ten

With enough people aware of Cowboy Time, the first lesson of the morning can be turned into a rousing Wild West chorus.
* non-Philistines will of course recognise this as Rossini's William Tell Overture.
approved Jun 24 2005, submitted Jun 13 2005 by Phil Glansvile
An early example of viral marketing. The people behind Hedgehog crisps, it was rumoured, used real hedgehogs to flavour their snacks. The age-old "well they do taste like chicken when cooked" excuse can be used when sampling a bag of the roast chicken crisps, though this will not get you very far when attempting to explain the distinct lack of hedgehog flavour in the salt and vinegar variety.
approved May 12 2005, submitted May 12 2005 by anonymous user, Phil Glansvile
"Crime and Punishment" by Dostoyevsky features a hen party novelty biscuit destined to scare children. Let it not be said that the Russians are a dour and humourless lot.
'Just fancy, Rodion Romanovitch, we found a gingerbread cock in his pocket. He was coming home dead drunk, but he did not forget the children.'

'A cock? Did you say a cock?' the gentleman from the commissariat cried.
Should your English class wish to recreate this scene, may we humbly suggest the fantastically named Masturbakers as a possible source of phallic fingerfoods? Alternatively, if you bite the arms off a classic gingerbread man, the results will be more than sufficient to cause aunties everywhere to blush.
approved Apr 27 2005, submitted Apr 25 2005 by anonymous user, Phil Glansvile
French writer of the early 19th century, famed for his Comédie Humaine.
This was written, of course, so that in later years aspiring young wags could enjoy variations on the following classic wordplay:
Q. Did you get your head around the Balzac?
A. I'd always considered the Balzac a little hairy but once I got a taste of it I couldn't get enough!
La hilarité est ensuivant - Human Comedy indeed.
approved Aug 11 2004, submitted Mar 22 2004 by Phil Glansvile
Slur to be directed at any classmate with skin a shade or two darker than the WASP majority. Direct with equal voracity at those of African, Indian or Middle Eastern descent.
The outrageous falsity in declaring a Pakistani to be a member of the negroid race is more than made up for by the fact that it rhymes.
approved Jan 23 2004, submitted Jan 22 2004 by Phil Glansvile
A game so rampantly ubiquitous and with outcomes so predictably unhilarious that it deserves no further mention on a website tagged with the unofficial catchphrase "hilarity ensued".
For the Bulldog obsessed, we offer this humour-free alternative, which not only demonstrates just how unsuitable the subject is for the Law of the Playground, but also how much better we are at this sort of thing than they are. I mean, honestly.
approved Dec 20 2003, submitted Dec 17 2003 by Phil Glansvile
I must object to the way you (Log?) edited my submission to read as if I was a member of a "cool" gang of Robert Smith wannabes. I couldn't even make it as a member of that gang; in reality I was unceremoniously dumped by my friends when they "discovered" the Cure, and went back to the charity D&D marathon, notching up an impressive 36 hours before falling victim to Sleep +1. To add insult to injury, I was later ostracised by even the D&D crowd when they discovered the wonders of smoking pot. It's only a matter of time until you pair realise just how tragically sad I really am.
approved Oct 23 2003, submitted Oct 22 2003 by Phil Glansvile
He knew what you were calling him all along. No doubt you migrated to the "Open All Hours" inspired "guh-guh, guh-guh, guh-lanville!" in later years, too. He harbours deep resentment and serious neuroses as a result. Oh, hang on, you said Andrew Glanville. Ah. Yes. Well at least I didn't suffer alone.
approved Oct 22 2003, submitted Oct 22 2003 by Phil Glansvile
A 48 hour D&D marathon would not have even charted on the radar of a real "cool gang", and they certainly wouldn't have bothered to get out of bed early to go and disturb it. They'd be too busy sleeping off hangovers or receiving blow jobs from their flesh and blood girlfriends.
Unless, of course, your "cool gang" consisted of a bunch of Robert Smith wannabes who took pleasure in mocking all who did not share their pretentious nihilism. In which case we - I mean you - were most assuredly not cool in the eyes of everyone else.
approved Oct 22 2003, submitted Oct 22 2003 by Phil Glansvile
Insult derived from the use of bleach on underwear to remove skid marks. "You've been bleaching again, you dirty bleacher!"

In fairness, I'd rather be accused of bleaching the skids out of my kex than leaving them there to form gold watches. Better still, I suppose, would be to go through school entirely skid free. I can dream, can't I?
approved Sep 25 2003, submitted Sep 25 2003 by Nicolas Kastoris, Phil Glansvile
By this logic, anyone with the word "love" in their name will have an automatic head start no matter who they're pitched against.

This may explain the hitherto unfathomable popularity of Courtney Love and Jennifer Love Hewitt, who must fancy the pants off one another, the dirty lezzers.
approved Sep 25 2003, submitted Sep 25 2003 by Phil Glansvile
Andrew Hubble informed us that he planned to stay awake until midnight and recite the Lord's Prayer backwards in the hopes of conjuring up Beelzebub himself. When he didn't turn up at school the next day we were naturally concerned that Lucifer had stolen poor Andy away, but he'd just overslept, because he'd stayed up past his bedtime on a school night.
approved Sep 25 2003, submitted Sep 17 2003 by Phil Glansvile
The Spectrum was better than the C64 precisely because it had the horrid colour palette. Because it devoted a pittance of its memory to graphics, the Spectrum was all about getting the most out of the underlying program, and in fact had more processing power than the C64 even though it had 16k less memory.
In summary: C64 games looked nicer, but Spectrum games had more substance to them. Style vs substance is an argument that continues to this very day, and is entirely fuelled by disgruntled Spectrum owners who have yet to relive the glory days of JetPac.
approved Oct 2 2003, submitted Sep 17 2003 by Phil Glansvile
Hevi Sosij - 'Mr Fatgit's Casio Keyboard Compendium' (1988)
Thrill to the sounds of underage drinking in Matt Kitching's garage whilst a bossa nova beat sounds from Hubble's sister's Casio keyboard.
Marked the beginning of my rock n roll lifestyle that has most recently resulted in this.
Log says:
Any loss of fluids or balance faculties from listening to Phil's own interpretation of music are not the responsibility of The Law of the Playground.

approved Apr 22 2003, submitted Apr 1 2003 by Phil Glansvile
Graffiti daubed on the school wall, circa 1980 :
Whoever said punk's dead is a Cnut
At least that's what I thought it said. Eight years old and convinced that it was a grave insult to compare someone to the viking king of England (1016-1035).
I tried to explain to my peers that Cnut had been a good king, that the popular myth of him trying to turn back the sea was wrong, and thus this was not a very effective insult. It was about that time that the beatings began.
approved Mar 9 2003, submitted Mar 8 2003 by Phil Glansvile
It *is* pronounced "silly toe", which we exploited in the pre-aflid days by use of the nicknames "sensible finger" and "funny foot".
approved Feb 22 2003, submitted Feb 22 2003 by Phil Glansvile