The Law of the Playground
the pupil report of
Nick Kent
Search LOTP
If you turn the number 300 on its side, it looks a bit like a bum pooing. And gays like bums (and probably poo too), therefore 300 is gay.
approved Oct 11 2005, submitted Oct 7 2005 by Nick Kent
On a similar note, mouthing "vacuum" looks a lot like you're saying "fuck you". Though this probably doesn't count because I just nicked it from an episode of Family Guy.
approved Oct 13 2005, submitted Oct 4 2005 by Nick Kent
According to my Grandad, changing the sign from the nearby "Potten End" to "Rotten End" had been done every year, by local schoolboys, for the last 70 years.
approved Jul 26 2005, submitted Jun 20 2005 by Nick Kent
I had the reverse. My headmaster was, for many years, convinced that I was going to be not only the world's best writer and orator, but a shoe-in for Prime Minister, all dueto my charm, intelligence and acting ability.
Ironically, I'm now a drugged-up bum who amounted to fuck all!
Oh, how foolish you look now, Mr Davies!
approved Apr 19 2005, submitted Oct 29 2004 by Nick Kent
Jesus Christ, Superstar,
Went down the road in a yellow car,
Cops were there,
But he didnt care,
Cos he had bullet-proof underwear.

Makes Jesus sound a bit like a secret-agent fugitive. But then I went to a Catholic school, where Jesus was considered a lot harder than at yours.
('Cos the thing Jesus needs most is bullet-proof underwear, what with all the shagging he did. "Oh no, my cock-end's been whipped off by a bullet! Now I'll never be able to live a celibate life of perfection and virtue!"
I put it to you, Catholic, that your Jesus had already had his cock shot off, and only asked his dad to make bumming a sin in the Old Testament because he tried it once and didn't like it.
I... I'm sorry. Where was I? - Log)
approved Oct 26 2004, submitted Oct 25 2004 by Nick Kent
The Observational Comedy Rules of School Nativity Plays
  1. Only the Teachers pets get to play Mary and Joseph. Only the retards get to play animals.
  2. Every costume must contain a tea towel.
  3. Despite what you see in SitComs, real goats are very rarely used, and it's even rarer for them to put their heads in the swaddling and eat Jesus' face.
  4. Before uttering any lines, one kid must burst into tears on stage and be taken off by a teacher.
  5. Lo, there shall be tambourines, and coconut halves, and bells on a stick, and yay, they shall be jangled and clopped.
  6. The tea-towel:tin-foil ratio will be affected by the decision to have three wise men (headscarves), or three kings (crowns).
    One year, the teachers decided that a foil star dangled from a stick was not enough, and that I would have to dress up as a big fucking star and put on top of a step-ladder for ten minutes.
    The innkeeper knocked me over whilst exiting the stage, and I collapsed on top of a sheep, which stood up and kicked me.
approved Nov 11 2004, submitted Oct 25 2004 by Nick Kent