The Law of the Playground
the pupil report of
Dale Taylor
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Tiny electrical resistors are colour-coded so that you can tell each one's, er, resistance. They're too small to write numbers on, you see.
Our teacher, a right twat, had the nmemonic 'Billy Brown Relaxes On Your Gym But Values Good Whisky' for the black, brown, red, orange, yellow, green, blue, violet, grey and white stripes.
We came up with the infinitely more memorable (and substantially more racist) 'Black Bastards Rape Our Young Girls But Violet Gives Willingly'.
Actual number of engineers produced from that class: zero.
approved Jul 12 2006, submitted Jun 28 2006 by Dale Taylor
The phrase yelled excitedly by our classmate Ivan as he strolled, er... proudly... through the changing room after PE, his full erection sticking up and outwards inside his underpants but mercifully not popping out over the top.
We were about 15 at the time, so presumably it wasn't his first ever stiffy. It was a testament to his immense popularity in our year that getting a stonk-on in a changing room full of half-naked lads, announcing the fact, and then showing it to all and sundry, didn't get him tormented, physically or verbally, to death in the remaining 3 years of high school.
approved Aug 29 2005, submitted Aug 29 2005 by Dale Taylor
Nick was a goofy, scruffy kid who transferred in to our school in the second year. He was forever kicking a tennis ball around the plaground, and his shoes were a regular casualty.
Eventually, his mom got fed up of buying him new ones and told him to glue the soles back together on the old ones and give them a good polish.
Polishing was easy; but no glue was to be had at Nick's place and, not being arsed to head up to the local shopping center, Nick found a nail and nailed his sole back on. The fact that it was a 1-inch nail - thoughtfully whacked right through the middle of the sole so he would only need one - didn't become an issue until the next morning, when he discovered that walking on it caused the nail to repeatedly pierce his foot. Quite deeply, too, much to our amusement.
It was still fairly amusing two weeks later when it went septic.
approved Aug 18 2005, submitted Aug 16 2005 by Dale Taylor
Andrew got bored during a physics lesson and decided to pretend to cut my other friend, Mario's ear with a crappy pair of orange scissors.
When Mario failed to respond to the stimulus, probably thinking "yawn - as if you would actually cut my ear with a pair of scissors", Andrew decided to squeeze a bit harder. To his dismay, the scissor blades actually met with a resounding click and a steady trickle of blood on to Mario's crisp white school shirt.
What I remember most was the look of 30% concern, 20% pain and 50% contempt on Mario's face changing suddenly to 100% concern when Andrew guiltily handed him a used tissue.
approved Jul 30 2005, submitted Jul 29 2005 by Dale Taylor
Unusually, our Barry was tall and skinny with a friendly, honest face.
He did, however, have a phenomenal nervous tic, which manifested itself through Barry squeezing his eyes tightly shut for a fraction of a second - an industrial-strength blink, if you like - and a quick shake of his head. This occurred roughly once every eight seconds; every now and again he would do two in a row. Surprisingly, nobody ever mentioned it and he blinked and shook his way happily through school.

approved Sep 30 2007, submitted Jul 29 2005 by Dale Taylor