The Law of the Playground
the pupil report of
Jon Blyth
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Erato, The Creature From The Pit, is the Dr Who Penis Monster par excellence - just penis-like enough so that it's unmistakably a massive penis, and just green horror-blob enough so that children could say "why are you laughing, mummy? And why have your fingertips risen to your nipples?"

Here, see for yourself - to the tune of The Spanish Flea.

approved Nov 28 2011, submitted Nov 28 2011 by Jon Blyth
Lessebo is a locality and the seat of Lessebo Municipality, Kronoberg County, Sweden. It had 2,623 inhabitants in 2005.

It's also the name of the IKEA sofa that your mum likes to sit on when she's making out with Sandy Toksvig.
approved Nov 10 2011, submitted Nov 10 2011 by Jon Blyth
The lyrics from Inner City's hit single "Big Fun" could be redirected towards a child as they sit on their own, to throw a spotlight onto how popular they aren't.

"We don't really need a crowd to have a party," you'd reassure them. "Just a funky beat and you to get it started."

The onus would then be on them to get the party started. You can encourage them with other lyrics, including "It won't take a lot of thought for you to do it" and "I think you're ready, Freddie".

A second option is to tell them "you're having big fun" until a bubble of stifled emotion plops out of their nose.
approved Oct 21 2011, submitted Oct 21 2011 by Jon Blyth
Did you swim with David Wilkie? No. Thought not. If you had swam with David Wilkie, you'd be wearing your badge.

I bet you don't even know what David Wilkie looks like. Well, he looks like the guy on my I Swam With David Wilkie badge.

No, I haven't got Sports AIDS. Jesus, you're so jealous.
approved Oct 21 2011, submitted Oct 21 2011 by Jon Blyth
You think people who draw cocks on stuff are stupid? Well let's see you pull this off. Go on, pull it off. You big gay.

(Someone needs credit for this, as it obviously wasn't me. It just got sent to me by someone who said he got it "on the internet".)
approved Oct 2 2011, submitted Oct 2 2011 by Jon Blyth
A reassuring lie for ugly people. It doesn't work quite as well for fat people, however, and can trigger a guessing game as to what it is exactly that's inside the massive bastards.
approved Sep 24 2011, submitted Sep 24 2011 by Jon Blyth