The Law of the Playground
the pupil report of
SmallPaul
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Distillation of the "your mother" insults, which were memorable in themselves for having an element of creativity [here]. Eventually, however, just saying "your mum" (or yomomma) was enough, the implication being that no more needed to be said. She was just yomomma, and that was enough.
approved Nov 24 2002, submitted Nov 24 2002 by SmallPaul
If you are late, or are moved by the teacher for your unruly behaviour, you may have to sit next to someone unpopular, or someone who smells. You will be asked who your new best friend is; both you and the smelly child must pretend not to have heard. This mutual shame will not cause a bond between the victims, and it will not be spoken of again.
approved Nov 24 2002, submitted Nov 24 2002 by SmallPaul
An assembly warning told all that 'One pupil had been playing in a field where he shouldn't have and got bit on the shoulder by a horse'. An older child gave us the victim's first name - Glen - but no more. A simple game ensued by hitting the entire population of Glen's in our school on the shoulder whilst asking 'who's got horse disease' until one screamed. Due to the unpopularity of the name Glen, the game was played once and only for a very short time.
approved Nov 24 2002, submitted Nov 24 2002 by SmallPaul
After stupidly letting on that, in fact, I, Paul, really did have birdshit on my finger, the games name was shouted by every person in earshot. An impromptu game of it! begins, and I had to wipe it on someone so as to a birdshit covered sympathiser, or, if lucky, change the name of the game to uh! [someone elses name] has got birdshit on their coat!
approved Nov 24 2002, submitted Nov 24 2002 by SmallPaul
Changing room game. When a small child (victim) bends down to put his socks on, a boy tall, hard, and shameless enough pins the victim's face to the wall by reversing his arse onto it at fearsome speed. The victim's natural reaction will be to either avoid cracking his head on the wall (a softer but more disgusting fate) or to avoid the approaching arsehole (possibly resulting in concussion). For best results, the victim's nose may actually enter the anus.
approved Nov 24 2002, submitted Nov 24 2002 by SmallPaul
The price required of Danny to make him kneel down in the deepest puddle on the tennis courts.
approved Nov 24 2002, submitted Nov 24 2002 by SmallPaul
The wires used in physics to attach various devies to a battery - such as a clock - could be used by those not wishing to become Einstein as a whip. The plastic connectors could, on a good swing, break skin.
approved Nov 24 2002, submitted Nov 24 2002 by SmallPaul
Said instead of 'Hello' as you approach someone who has had a particularly noticeable haircut. Only really funny when a whole group of people hear and understand, and the unwitting recipient just dumbly replies 'Alright, mate'.
approved Nov 24 2002, submitted Nov 24 2002 by SmallPaul
If a member of your group has been excluded, perhaps for not laughing at the leader's jokes, a lackey may be deployed to further your exclusion This lackey will approach, pretending to comfort for just a few moments, until a reluctant smile plays hopefully onto your lips. Then they will say 'He was right, you ARE a pussy' (or something to that effect), then run back to the group laughing. IMPORTANT NOTE : On no account should you use your time in the wilderness to gain an empathy with the people you would normarily bully.
approved Nov 24 2002, submitted Nov 24 2002 by SmallPaul , Jon Blyth
With a friend, find a child smaller than you who has gloves on elastic through his coat. Proceed to stretch elastic to the point where the whole playground is literally 'divided' by the elastic, with the small child helpless in the middle. Letting go is also a pleasure.
approved Nov 24 2002, submitted Nov 24 2002 by SmallPaul
The only insult you can say that automatically makes you more of one than the person you say it to.
approved Nov 24 2002, submitted Nov 24 2002 by SmallPaul