The Law of the Playground
the pupil report of
Dupli Citous
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Our fun-hating teachers had a method of defeating the "Mr Gardiner smells of piss" trick. They would make each kid write down the phrase they had received from the previous kid, without conferring, which could be inspected if necessary to reveal who changed the line. Assholes.
approved Apr 23 2003, submitted Feb 21 2003 by Dupli Citous
gte
French for "lodging" or "resting place". If found on a blackboard, a single rapid swipe transforms the word easily into "git". It helps phonetically if you remove the circumflex, but I'm a busy man with many blackboards to tend to.
approved Dec 17 2002, submitted Dec 15 2002 by Dupli Citous
What dicks taste like, according to a file we found on the school network during Computer Science one week.
approved Dec 15 2002, submitted Dec 14 2002 by Dupli Citous
Sheet music: although not a regular weapon, at our school a boy was sent to hospital after the kid who was handing out sheet music decided to just throw it at the class, and cut the boy's eyeball open.
approved Dec 15 2002, submitted Dec 14 2002 by Dupli Citous
Quietly placing a rubber on a radiator at the beginning of the lesson will create a creeping junkyard stench. By the time it reaches the front of the class and the teacher, fellow pupils will have been chuckling and retching for minutes. By the time the teacher does become aware of it, the room is full of stank, and there's nothing anyone can do.
approved Dec 14 2002, submitted Dec 13 2002 by Dupli Citous
Each year in my school had 4 teams for games like rugby: A, B, C and D in descending order of competence. Because my year had slightly more pupils than normal, a fifth team was created, imaginatively called E. I had the good fortune to be a member of this team, which we proudly renamed the E Team Dropouts. We were comprised of the fattest, laziest and most asthmatic kids in the year, and spent most of the time sitting around on the grass watching the other teams exhaust themselves.
approved Dec 14 2002, submitted Dec 13 2002 by Dupli Citous
A religious chant. When the spaceships come, some will be marked with Xs, and some with Os. We're supposed to get in the O ones. Or is it X? Anyway, they haven't come yet.
approved Dec 14 2002, submitted Dec 13 2002 by Dupli Citous
Medieval farmer with an unfortunate affliction. We first became aware of his existence when, for some reason, some first years in History had been made to write letters from one medieval farmer to another, and the best of these had been pinned to the wall. Hilarity ensued when we noticed that one of them concluded with, "PS. Giles, you still HIV positive?"
approved Dec 14 2002, submitted Dec 13 2002 by Dupli Citous
An instance of desk-writing, which evolved into a strange kind of soap-opera. One morning, we found written on one of our desks, "Yesterday my girlfriend sucked my cock" in big black letters with a ring round it. The next day, a smaller ring had attached itself to the first, containing the words, "Today I took her from behind." The next day: "I took her from the front." Each day new messages were added, until the entire desk was covered. Some gems I have remembered included, "I like shaved pussies," the contradictory "actually I like hairy pussies best," and the informative "There are several meanings for the word 'pussy.'"
approved Dec 13 2002, submitted Dec 13 2002 by Dupli Citous
A more controlled version of "pencil fencing" (qv). At primary school, someone said that if you poked your skin with a sharp pencil, a bit of the lead (ie. graphite) would be left behind under your skin, which (as far as we knew) was a real tattoo. We all tried it, but, speaking personally, any marks that were made just washed off. Easily.
approved Dec 14 2002, submitted Dec 13 2002 by Dupli Citous
A game loosely based on the Hale & Pace characters of the same name. I can't remember the character names now, but two boys would be the two management guys, and one other (usually me) was "Crusty" or something.
So, the guys would be trying to run a nightclub and any other kids in the area would be made to be the nightclub acts. I'm not sure exactly what was supposed to happen then, because it usually degenerated into a fight around that point.
approved Dec 14 2002, submitted Dec 13 2002 by Dupli Citous
A song which was inexplicably sung by Robin B on several occasions at school, accompanied by a bongo-style drumming on his nipples:-
"Tch-tch-tch-tch-tch-tch-tch-tchaikovskeeee;
Here he comes, banging his drums."
approved Dec 14 2002, submitted Dec 13 2002 by Dupli Citous