The Law of the Playground
the pupil report of
dan upright
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With my trademark genie-us, I once hung a box of matches from a smoke alarm with blu-tac & thread and then genied it - the idea being that we'd get a break from PE and the evidence of my prank would burn itself away to nothing. (Like the man who hung himself by putting a noose around his neck and standing on a block of ice.)
The actual result was that (rather obviously, in hindsight) the thread caught fire, the genie burned a hole in the carpet and i got a bollocking.
approved Jul 12 2004, submitted Apr 8 2004 by dan upright
Out of interest, what the fuck does "E: Other" apply to? Am I to believe that 10.2% of the people you asked have perhaps refereed a game or coached a player? Is "training for soggy biscuit" an optional part of the Sports Psychology A Level?
approved Oct 27 2003, submitted Oct 25 2003 by dan upright
This is "radge" in newcastle, as in "howay man y'fucking radge", a commonly heard response to being decked for no reason, which happens a lot in newcastle. Cos everyone is pure radge.
approved Oct 31 2003, submitted Oct 25 2003 by dan upright
is it just me, or is this place turning into an online version of "call my bluff"?
approved Oct 23 2003, submitted Oct 9 2003 by dan upright
Come off it, that doesn't even fit the he-man music - it was actually "i have the power, to pick up a flower, it'll take me an hour or two".
(Dan, even that doesn't REALLY fit the He-Man tune. The version I used to sing was He has the power, to pick up a flower, in only an hour, or two... So there. Ner. - Log)
approved Oct 9 2003, submitted Oct 4 2003 by dan upright
for christ's fucking sake, it's "skinchies" you shower of inbreeds
approved Oct 23 2003, submitted Oct 3 2003 by dan upright
It's possible to end up with an infinite loop in the numbers, where you never reach a percentage - whether this means your love is doomed or guaranteed, I can't say. But if it makes you feel any better Log, I only know this can happen because I was anal enough to write a program on the amiga to work out the love percentage automatically.
(Thanks - although I don't feel less anal, it's nice to know there are people more anal than myself. For an online love percentage calculator, click on these words.)
approved Sep 29 2003, submitted Sep 26 2003 by dan upright
pube - some people might say it's childish, but i still find it funny at 26, so what do they fucking know?

(See also "rap becomes rape with e". A cautionary tale for the hip hop generation. -Susan)
approved Oct 1 2003, submitted Sep 11 2003 by dan upright
A girl at school told me once that if you blew into a woman's vagina while going down on her, it'd kill her. I don't know if it's true, but I can easily imagine an episode of Quincy where Jack Klugman says "How many more teenage girls have to die of air embolisms before you start teaching oral sex in schools? Why I oughta!", so it probably has some factual basis.
approved Sep 5 2003, submitted Aug 26 2003 by dan upright
Girls at my school turned this into a fucking science, with stuff like IDEMT (if destroyed even more true), IDEMTTEB and IDSTFEAE - it got to the point where they'd get so caught up in drafting the consequences of the graffiti's destruction that they'd leave out the message altogether.
approved Mar 1 2003, submitted Mar 1 2003 by dan upright
I can assure you that being kicked in the willy really does fucking hurt, especially if the zip on your kecks cuts a fucking great gash into it and leaves you needing stitches.
approved Mar 1 2003, submitted Mar 1 2003 by dan upright
There were no rules to getting a chase, you just had to find someone who was capable of beating the shit out of you and goad them into trying to do just that - for example, calling a group of older boys poofs, throwing stones at passing lorries and, on one inspired occasion, going into a farmer's field and punching the cows.
approved Mar 1 2003, submitted Mar 1 2003 by dan upright
a slightly surreal coco pops variation:

My name's Monkey,
I'm a coco like you,
I live in the jungle,
dressed like a shrew,
I swing from the shops
cause there aren't any trees,
but I'd rather have a bowl of cornflakes please.
The only reason i remember this at all is because the headmaster was so proud of the kid who thought it up he asked him to sing it in class.
approved Apr 25 2003, submitted Mar 1 2003 by dan upright
The north eastern version of this was "eeeeeeh".
During playtime at infant school, a girl said this to Crazy Shaun, who promptly punched her in the face and fled the school grounds - we never did find out what he'd been doing to prompt the "eeeeeeh" it probably wasnt as serious as punching a girl in the face then going AWOL.
approved Mar 10 2003, submitted Mar 1 2003 by dan upright