The Law of the Playground
the pupil report of
Matt Sharp
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"Ma ma ma ma ma la bamba
Spaghetti, meatballs,
And a great big banana..."
Spaghetti, of course, refers to pubic hair; meatballs to testicles and 'great big banana' to an implausibly long and curvy penis. Generally accompanied by a bizarre dance, in which said genital features were outlined with the hands.
approved Apr 25 2005, submitted Feb 13 2004 by Matt Sharp
This song was given a new and hilarious twist when a friend accompanied the final line with a pirouette for no apparent reason. The spectacular move was brought to a dramatic close when he accidentally slapped a passing old lady in the tits.
approved Dec 29 2003, submitted Nov 2 2003 by Matt Sharp
There were a number of factors that contributed to the terrible decision to piss in Steve's bed. It was the last day of a school trip to Austria. Two things had annoyed us throughout the week:

a) Steve
b) The utterly horrible food

So, to punish Steve and the hostel, all we had to do was piss in Steve's bed. When I say 'we', I mean 'I'. And so I found myself pissing onto a mattress in Austria.

In hindsight, it wasn't really worth it. My God, I can't believe I pissed onto somebody's bed.
approved Oct 9 2003, submitted Oct 8 2003 by Matt Sharp
Shhhhhh, don't cry, have a milkshake.

Now, let's rewind and see each of those elements in action.

1. "Shhhhhh" (Extended middle finger held over the lips)

2. "Don't cry..." (Classic 'V' gesture, with each finger running slowly from just below the eyes to about halfway down the cheeks)

3. "Have a milkshake" (Traditional limp-wristed fist shaking 'wanker' gesture)
approved Oct 21 2011, submitted Jul 31 2003 by Matt Sharp
The variant 'eenie meenie minee mo, catch a nigger by the toe', taught to me by the school's only black kid, should not be used in front of parents. Or in Clark's, no matter how hard it is to decide which shoes you want.
approved Sep 23 2003, submitted Jul 9 2003 by Matt Sharp
In addition to this, the composition of said bullets could be stated:
"One red, one blue, one made of doggie's poo".
approved Mar 10 2003, submitted Mar 8 2003 by Matt Sharp
Something I am alone in remembering is the time in the Infant School when a woman came in to feel our balls in the Head's Office.
No, really.
approved May 6 2003, submitted Mar 8 2003 by Matt Sharp