The Law of the Playground
the pupil report of
Dan Wakely
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If you want to appear cool before your classmates, one of the last things you should do is bring to art lessons your little lead men to paint various colours. The very last thing you should do is bring in a little lead woman, tell everyone she's "really fit" and "sexily carved", and spend most of the lesson fantasising about having intercourse with her. This means you, Mark Baker, you grubby little freak. If you're going to humiliate yourself by getting a boner in class, it should be over a real person, or at the very least something bigger than a rat's penis.
approved Jun 19 2003, submitted Dec 19 2002 by Dan Wakely
Franzi was a cartoon pig in Deutsche Heute textbooks. A few swift swishes of the pen later and suddenly the illustrations showed him in a variety of homosexual/masturbatory acts. Thus he became "Franzi the Gay Pig". Some textbooks just seem to be illustrated in a way that invites scribblings of "ooooh, yeah, fuck my gash" and huge spurting members inserted up farting bumholes.
I wonder, if I went back to my old schools, and asked to see the textbooks, would the same one's I grafittied still be in use? Is it too much to ask? Please Lord...
approved Feb 6 2003, submitted Dec 19 2002 by Dan Wakely
I didn't see David Widden from the age of 8 to 15. When I did see him, I amused myself by following him around and saying his name.
He was fucking bricking it after a while, and the look of confused terror on his squinty-eyed little face still makes me laugh.
I should really get a life and something more interesting to do, but only if David gets some decent eyes first.
approved Jan 18 2003, submitted Dec 18 2002 by Dan Wakely
Where a Trevor buys his best clothes, as in

Let's all go to Tesco's,
Where Trevor buys his best clothes,
They are so nif-ty,
for one pound fif-ty.
approved Nov 24 2002, submitted Nov 24 2002 by Lo-Fi Dan, Dan Wakely
A farting Catch 22.
1. A high pitched squeaky fart is the product of an arse which is substantially blocked up with cum. Real men do deep, rumbling farts, so free from spunk are the caverns of their anus.
2. A "squeaker" is the sign of a tight, virginal arsehole, unprodded by Big Ron. Meaty biffers were direct evidence that your arse had seen action, and was ragged around the edges.
approved Dec 10 2002, submitted Nov 24 2002 by Dan Wakely, Jon Blyth
In our class, a boy called Adam Russell stood up and asked the teacher, "What if you pissed while you were having sex?" and was told that it was impossible. He dragged this on for about 5 whole minutes, saying "But what if you REALLY needed to go?" and "Would you make a pissy baby?"
approved Nov 24 2002, submitted Nov 24 2002 by Dan Wakely
Replying to Robert's comment that our experiment was giving of a smell like apples, our Scottish chemistry teacher piped up, "Well, I wouldn't mind some of your apples, Robert!" This was greeted with a stunned silence.
approved Nov 24 2002, submitted Nov 24 2002 by Dan Wakely
A joyless rubber hoop from really early PE classes, where they didn't think you capable of using something so wildly complex as a ball. Accompanied by little bean bags that can in no way be used into conjunction with the quoits. Especially in Roman Catholic schools, where balls are considered too much fun, and sexy.
approved Nov 24 2002, submitted Nov 24 2002 by Dan Wakely
The similarity between his roar in the opening credits of thundercats and the cry of an enraged window-licker was uncanny. He even looked a bit like a mong with that wild look in his eyes.
approved Nov 24 2002, submitted Nov 24 2002 by Dan Wakely
The name of the substance that drips from the anus after a rigourous session of bumfunnery. Also a girl's name.
approved Nov 24 2002, submitted Nov 24 2002 by Dan Wakely
A form of perversion based on the insertion of a lego flagpole up - of course - the arse. If girls ever did this sort of thing, then maybe there'd be something interesting stuck up the front bumhole, but no. Girls either didn't do this sort of stuff, or don't talk about it, or don't visit my website. Aha - probably the latter. I've only just thought of that.
approved Nov 24 2002, submitted Nov 24 2002 by Jon Blyth, Dan Wakely
What you say before you are old enough to know that it's your spasmojesticles (qv) that hurt when you get hit in them. Although being kicked in the willy might make your pipe hot for a bit.
approved Nov 24 2002, submitted Nov 24 2002 by Dan Wakely
I'm telling
you're smelling
you went to batman's wedding
you kissed him
you hugged him
and now you really love him
It's shit, but it's got batman in, so it's great.
approved Dec 9 2002, submitted Nov 24 2002 by Dan Wakely
As ugly as a hobgoblin? Fat? Love giving head? Then this is the word for you.
approved Nov 24 2002, submitted Nov 24 2002 by Dan Wakely
Our headmaster, Mr. King, was a keen naturalist, and used to give assemblies using his little Sylvanian Families hedgehogs. He had the whole family. He made them speak. He did all the voices. I think he was mad. Or a paedophile. Or both.
approved Nov 24 2002, submitted Nov 24 2002 by Dan Wakely
"I do not believe you". Also, "Go 'ave a wank wiv yer dad."
approved Nov 24 2002, submitted Nov 24 2002 by Dan Wakely
The alarmingly camp or disturbingly sinister naming of furniture. Camp names, such as Philamena the Filing Cabinet, or Ollie the overhead projector, will lead to sneering disdain. Sinister names, like Fru-Fru the Board Rubber, will generally lead to glances being exchanged and confused shrugs.
approved Nov 24 2002, submitted Nov 24 2002 by Dan Wakely
These were the children who had the terrible euphemism "special" inflicted upon them more than any other. Technically, they weren't missing anything - in fact, they had one more chromosome than everyone else. It's not fair. They get all the chromosomes and then they get to hog the drama workshops too. Jammy bastards.
approved Nov 24 2002, submitted Nov 24 2002 by Jon Blyth, Dan Wakely
Darren Carrington was fucking loopy, I swear. He used to insist on walking home with me and my mate, even though we both hated him, and would not speak to him all the way home. He would just walk along, listening silently to our conversation, and then leave us when our routes seperated. But this was only the start.
At the age of 14 or 15, he let it be known that he had joined the navy, and his given reason was that he wanted "to go and bomb pakies in Bosnia". Over the next few months we got running updates on his naval exploits - about how he had sworn aboard ship and been fined 10, how he had got angry and punched his captain in the eye, and as a result had had his hat taken away, and to top it all off, his commanding officer let him take HMS Belfast, one of the biggest ships in the fleet, into dock, but he had run it up on a sandbank, and would have to go back the next night to rescue it with a crane.
He would come into class with technical manuals for a Ford Capri, and a bag full of spanners. He laughed like gas coming out of a tap, a horrible whining groan of a laugh. He would say "I don't mind them niggers, but I just can't stand pakies." He was obsessed with Star Trek, but appeared to have never seen it.
He had 4 brothers - Wayne, Dan, Stu and Steve. Wayne was apparently "inside for welding a paki to a lamppost". When we asked him how he had defied the laws of physics by bonding skin and metal with a flame, he said that he hadn't actually bonded them, but had carried the poor fellow, still conscious, up the lamppost, tied a metal bar round him and welded that in place. Strangely enough, we still didn't believe him.
approved Dec 18 2002, submitted Nov 24 2002 by Dan Wakely
My friends and I will never be the same again after seeing a porno aged about 13 in which some filthy woman used some sort of vice like tool to open her own fahita wide up, until it was some rancid mockery of a flesh grotto. At our age, we just wanted to see boobs. We certainly didn't need that.
approved Nov 24 2002, submitted Nov 24 2002 by Dan Wakely